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Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

Being A Mom Was The Best Four Years Of My Life!

As I get older, I find myself reflecting on my life more often and marveling at what an amazing journey it’s been. I’ve made tons of great friends, been to magnificent places all over the world, and learned so many important things about myself along the way. But if I’m being honest, there’s one period of my life that stands out from all the rest: those four incredible years when I was a mom.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The sight of well-manicured lawns, new and colorful homes, and friendly pedestrians can only mean one thing: You've wandered onto the wrong side of the tracks.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Police officials will manage to talk you down from the ledge of an overpass this week. Sadly, they'll do so by screaming for you to jump.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    After 12 years and eight children you'll finally succeed in sleeping your way to the top of the welfare recipient list this week.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Fears of being exposed as a fraud will be realized this week when you're revealed to lack the fluid color, strong lines, and playful style of Matisse's trademark works.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Set your inner child free this week! A bottle of disinfectant, a pair of grasping tongs, and an ordinary wire hanger are all you need!
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Pride will be yours this week when you're awarded the Nobel Prize for Sitting Around the House and Waiting Desperately for the Phone To Ring.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Many will attack you for taking the easy way out, but then they won't know how hard it was to find an extension cord long enough to reach the bathtub.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Attempts to run away from the problem will fail this week when the problem turns out to be a short-circuited treadmill.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    While you've long thought of yourself as your own harshest critic, the weekly columns of Gene Shalit will soon prove you wrong.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The stars were going to predict the beginning of a lifelong romance for you this week, but they couldn't get through it without bursting into laughter.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Contrary to popular belief, a second set of footprints will soon reveal that that was when Jesus ran off to play beach volleyball.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    There's nothing you can do to put an end to the suffering this week.

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