adBlockCheck

Your Horoscope

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The sight of well-manicured lawns, new and colorful homes, and friendly pedestrians can only mean one thing: You've wandered onto the wrong side of the tracks.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Police officials will manage to talk you down from the ledge of an overpass this week. Sadly, they'll do so by screaming for you to jump.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    After 12 years and eight children you'll finally succeed in sleeping your way to the top of the welfare recipient list this week.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Fears of being exposed as a fraud will be realized this week when you're revealed to lack the fluid color, strong lines, and playful style of Matisse's trademark works.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Set your inner child free this week! A bottle of disinfectant, a pair of grasping tongs, and an ordinary wire hanger are all you need!
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Pride will be yours this week when you're awarded the Nobel Prize for Sitting Around the House and Waiting Desperately for the Phone To Ring.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Many will attack you for taking the easy way out, but then they won't know how hard it was to find an extension cord long enough to reach the bathtub.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Attempts to run away from the problem will fail this week when the problem turns out to be a short-circuited treadmill.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    While you've long thought of yourself as your own harshest critic, the weekly columns of Gene Shalit will soon prove you wrong.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The stars were going to predict the beginning of a lifelong romance for you this week, but they couldn't get through it without bursting into laughter.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Contrary to popular belief, a second set of footprints will soon reveal that that was when Jesus ran off to play beach volleyball.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    There's nothing you can do to put an end to the suffering this week.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close