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How To Talk To Your Child About Death

When your family has experienced a loss, it can be a difficult concept for young children to process. The Onion breaks down the best ways to converse with your child about the realities of death

Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.

NASA Deploys Congressional Rover To Search For Funding

WASHINGTON—Calling the program “the most crucial in the agency’s history,” researchers at NASA announced Wednesday they have successfully deployed a Special Exploratory Rover to Congress as part of an open-ended mission to seek out any possible trace of funding on Capitol Hill.

What The Planet Will Look Like In 2100

As scientists try to project the effects of climate change into the future, many of these forecasts only go as far as 2100, a year beyond which the alterations to our environment become much harder to predict. Here is a breakdown of what we can expect our world to look like in 2100
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The sight of well-manicured lawns, new and colorful homes, and friendly pedestrians can only mean one thing: You've wandered onto the wrong side of the tracks.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Police officials will manage to talk you down from the ledge of an overpass this week. Sadly, they'll do so by screaming for you to jump.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    After 12 years and eight children you'll finally succeed in sleeping your way to the top of the welfare recipient list this week.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Fears of being exposed as a fraud will be realized this week when you're revealed to lack the fluid color, strong lines, and playful style of Matisse's trademark works.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Set your inner child free this week! A bottle of disinfectant, a pair of grasping tongs, and an ordinary wire hanger are all you need!
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Pride will be yours this week when you're awarded the Nobel Prize for Sitting Around the House and Waiting Desperately for the Phone To Ring.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Many will attack you for taking the easy way out, but then they won't know how hard it was to find an extension cord long enough to reach the bathtub.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Attempts to run away from the problem will fail this week when the problem turns out to be a short-circuited treadmill.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    While you've long thought of yourself as your own harshest critic, the weekly columns of Gene Shalit will soon prove you wrong.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The stars were going to predict the beginning of a lifelong romance for you this week, but they couldn't get through it without bursting into laughter.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Contrary to popular belief, a second set of footprints will soon reveal that that was when Jesus ran off to play beach volleyball.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    There's nothing you can do to put an end to the suffering this week.