Aries | March 21 to April 19
The sight of well-manicured lawns, new and colorful homes, and friendly pedestrians can only mean one thing: You've wandered onto the wrong side of the tracks.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Police officials will manage to talk you down from the ledge of an overpass this week. Sadly, they'll do so by screaming for you to jump.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
After 12 years and eight children you'll finally succeed in sleeping your way to the top of the welfare recipient list this week.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Fears of being exposed as a fraud will be realized this week when you're revealed to lack the fluid color, strong lines, and playful style of Matisse's trademark works.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Set your inner child free this week! A bottle of disinfectant, a pair of grasping tongs, and an ordinary wire hanger are all you need!
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Pride will be yours this week when you're awarded the Nobel Prize for Sitting Around the House and Waiting Desperately for the Phone To Ring.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Many will attack you for taking the easy way out, but then they won't know how hard it was to find an extension cord long enough to reach the bathtub.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Attempts to run away from the problem will fail this week when the problem turns out to be a short-circuited treadmill.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
While you've long thought of yourself as your own harshest critic, the weekly columns of Gene Shalit will soon prove you wrong.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
The stars were going to predict the beginning of a lifelong romance for you this week, but they couldn't get through it without bursting into laughter.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Contrary to popular belief, a second set of footprints will soon reveal that that was when Jesus ran off to play beach volleyball.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
There's nothing you can do to put an end to the suffering this week.
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