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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    An attempt at sexual innuendo goes awry this week when animal rights activists come out in full force to protest the dangerous, disgusting treatment of your pet cat.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll receive a giant burst of energy halfway through the week, thanks to lax safety regulations and an overheated nuclear reactor.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A familiar face will bring you much- needed comfort this Thursday, at once allaying fears that your wife was cheating on you with a complete stranger.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    While you've always been proud of your ability to adapt to new and unexpected situations, you'll still fail to grow a set of functional gills by early next week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A series of gruesome events will soon leave you sickened by not only the sight, but also by the sound, the feel, and the taste of blood.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    There's nothing quite like the laughter of children to illustrate what a total farce your life has become.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your disarming smile faces its biggest challenge this week when the U.S. government sends you to defuse tensions in Pakistan.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The purchase of a new rocking chair will soon give your ailing mother the illusion of motion.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Don't worry about what people are saying behind your back this week. Especially considering all the nasty things they'll be saying directly to your face.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    While it's been ages since you last cried about having no shoes, you'll still keep running into that creepy man without feet every other week.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Remember: Whoever said that humans only use 10 percent of their brains was probably using less than 6 percent of his.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars are having a wonderful time this week trying to guess your weight.

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