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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    An attempt at sexual innuendo goes awry this week when animal rights activists come out in full force to protest the dangerous, disgusting treatment of your pet cat.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll receive a giant burst of energy halfway through the week, thanks to lax safety regulations and an overheated nuclear reactor.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A familiar face will bring you much- needed comfort this Thursday, at once allaying fears that your wife was cheating on you with a complete stranger.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    While you've always been proud of your ability to adapt to new and unexpected situations, you'll still fail to grow a set of functional gills by early next week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A series of gruesome events will soon leave you sickened by not only the sight, but also by the sound, the feel, and the taste of blood.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    There's nothing quite like the laughter of children to illustrate what a total farce your life has become.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your disarming smile faces its biggest challenge this week when the U.S. government sends you to defuse tensions in Pakistan.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The purchase of a new rocking chair will soon give your ailing mother the illusion of motion.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Don't worry about what people are saying behind your back this week. Especially considering all the nasty things they'll be saying directly to your face.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    While it's been ages since you last cried about having no shoes, you'll still keep running into that creepy man without feet every other week.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Remember: Whoever said that humans only use 10 percent of their brains was probably using less than 6 percent of his.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars are having a wonderful time this week trying to guess your weight.

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