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Vol 43 Issue 43

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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    An attempt at sexual innuendo goes awry this week when animal rights activists come out in full force to protest the dangerous, disgusting treatment of your pet cat.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You'll receive a giant burst of energy halfway through the week, thanks to lax safety regulations and an overheated nuclear reactor.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    A familiar face will bring you much- needed comfort this Thursday, at once allaying fears that your wife was cheating on you with a complete stranger.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    While you've always been proud of your ability to adapt to new and unexpected situations, you'll still fail to grow a set of functional gills by early next week.
  • Leo

    Leo

    A series of gruesome events will soon leave you sickened by not only the sight, but also by the sound, the feel, and the taste of blood.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    There's nothing quite like the laughter of children to illustrate what a total farce your life has become.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Your disarming smile faces its biggest challenge this week when the U.S. government sends you to defuse tensions in Pakistan.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    The purchase of a new rocking chair will soon give your ailing mother the illusion of motion.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Don't worry about what people are saying behind your back this week. Especially considering all the nasty things they'll be saying directly to your face.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    While it's been ages since you last cried about having no shoes, you'll still keep running into that creepy man without feet every other week.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Remember: Whoever said that humans only use 10 percent of their brains was probably using less than 6 percent of his.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    The stars are having a wonderful time this week trying to guess your weight.
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