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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    For centuries fire was a sacred symbol of vitality and strength. Keep this in mind as you roll around frantically on your kitchen floor this Thursday.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The fruits of your labor will finally ripen this week, before going soft and filling with mold two days later.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It may take more muscles to smile than it does to frown, but with 90 percent of your body completely paralyzed, even frowning would be a worthwhile workout.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your imagination is the limit! Try visualizing what your future would look like as head garbageman!
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The explosion of a blood vessel beneath your brain's memory center will soon give you the fresh start you've been searching for.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    A thousand monkeys on a thousand typewriters will finally produce the complete works of William Shakespeare, only to dismiss them as inferior to the oeuvre of Christopher Marlowe, or even  Francis Bacon at his height.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Don't be surprised this week if someone strangles you with a length of piano wire as you read about your future.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    When life gives you lemons, why not blame them on your troubled upbringing and consequent inability to show affection? It sure beats making lemonade.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Don't listen to what others may be saying about your highly unstable nature and crippling psychosis. After all, most of those voices exist only in your head.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will once again dress up as an emotionally stunted man-child for Halloween this year.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Nobody said that it was going to be easy, or fun, or even practical. But then nobody really said much about your desire to take up differential calculus.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars think it's time you stopped skirting around the issue and finally told your cat how you really feel.

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