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The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    For centuries fire was a sacred symbol of vitality and strength. Keep this in mind as you roll around frantically on your kitchen floor this Thursday.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The fruits of your labor will finally ripen this week, before going soft and filling with mold two days later.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It may take more muscles to smile than it does to frown, but with 90 percent of your body completely paralyzed, even frowning would be a worthwhile workout.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your imagination is the limit! Try visualizing what your future would look like as head garbageman!
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The explosion of a blood vessel beneath your brain's memory center will soon give you the fresh start you've been searching for.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    A thousand monkeys on a thousand typewriters will finally produce the complete works of William Shakespeare, only to dismiss them as inferior to the oeuvre of Christopher Marlowe, or even  Francis Bacon at his height.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Don't be surprised this week if someone strangles you with a length of piano wire as you read about your future.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    When life gives you lemons, why not blame them on your troubled upbringing and consequent inability to show affection? It sure beats making lemonade.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Don't listen to what others may be saying about your highly unstable nature and crippling psychosis. After all, most of those voices exist only in your head.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will once again dress up as an emotionally stunted man-child for Halloween this year.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Nobody said that it was going to be easy, or fun, or even practical. But then nobody really said much about your desire to take up differential calculus.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars think it's time you stopped skirting around the issue and finally told your cat how you really feel.

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