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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    For centuries fire was a sacred symbol of vitality and strength. Keep this in mind as you roll around frantically on your kitchen floor this Thursday.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The fruits of your labor will finally ripen this week, before going soft and filling with mold two days later.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It may take more muscles to smile than it does to frown, but with 90 percent of your body completely paralyzed, even frowning would be a worthwhile workout.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your imagination is the limit! Try visualizing what your future would look like as head garbageman!
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The explosion of a blood vessel beneath your brain's memory center will soon give you the fresh start you've been searching for.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    A thousand monkeys on a thousand typewriters will finally produce the complete works of William Shakespeare, only to dismiss them as inferior to the oeuvre of Christopher Marlowe, or even  Francis Bacon at his height.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Don't be surprised this week if someone strangles you with a length of piano wire as you read about your future.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    When life gives you lemons, why not blame them on your troubled upbringing and consequent inability to show affection? It sure beats making lemonade.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Don't listen to what others may be saying about your highly unstable nature and crippling psychosis. After all, most of those voices exist only in your head.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will once again dress up as an emotionally stunted man-child for Halloween this year.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Nobody said that it was going to be easy, or fun, or even practical. But then nobody really said much about your desire to take up differential calculus.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars think it's time you stopped skirting around the issue and finally told your cat how you really feel.

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