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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    While the news is certainly sad, take heart in knowing that your mother is in a better place now, even if it is a cramped wooden coffin six feet underground.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll finally find Mr. Right this week, moments after he leaves a pregnant Mrs. Right to be with you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Despite the best of intentions, a sex addiction intervention will quickly and repeatedly backfire this Thursday.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Several dozen blemishes on your permanent record will prevent you from getting into the maximum security prison of your choice next week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    All of your questions concerning spontaneous combustion will suddenly be answered this Friday.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll realize how much your drinking has affected your personal relationships this week, after friends admit they hate the person you become when sober.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    While initially insulted, you'll soon realize that being called an "unfit mother" has little to do with what shape you're in.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be reduced to a mere statistic as soon as someone starts keeping track of how many Americans are deservedly paralyzed in motorcycle accidents each year.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Spice up your marriage! When role-playing with your wife, pretend you're her emotionally distant, affection-withholding father!
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A firm handshake can tell you a lot about a person, especially if that person has a hook for a hand.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    If you want your fortune so bad, maybe you should consult those tea leaves again—the way you did last week. You didn't think the stars knew about that, did you?
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will finally stop referring to the Midwest as the "flyover states" during a tragic plane ride from New York to Los Angeles.
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