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Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    While the news is certainly sad, take heart in knowing that your mother is in a better place now, even if it is a cramped wooden coffin six feet underground.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll finally find Mr. Right this week, moments after he leaves a pregnant Mrs. Right to be with you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Despite the best of intentions, a sex addiction intervention will quickly and repeatedly backfire this Thursday.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Several dozen blemishes on your permanent record will prevent you from getting into the maximum security prison of your choice next week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    All of your questions concerning spontaneous combustion will suddenly be answered this Friday.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll realize how much your drinking has affected your personal relationships this week, after friends admit they hate the person you become when sober.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    While initially insulted, you'll soon realize that being called an "unfit mother" has little to do with what shape you're in.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be reduced to a mere statistic as soon as someone starts keeping track of how many Americans are deservedly paralyzed in motorcycle accidents each year.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Spice up your marriage! When role-playing with your wife, pretend you're her emotionally distant, affection-withholding father!
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A firm handshake can tell you a lot about a person, especially if that person has a hook for a hand.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    If you want your fortune so bad, maybe you should consult those tea leaves again—the way you did last week. You didn't think the stars knew about that, did you?
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will finally stop referring to the Midwest as the "flyover states" during a tragic plane ride from New York to Los Angeles.

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