Aries | March 21 to April 19
While the news is certainly sad, take heart in knowing that your mother is in a better place now, even if it is a cramped wooden coffin six feet underground.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You'll finally find Mr. Right this week, moments after he leaves a pregnant Mrs. Right to be with you.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Despite the best of intentions, a sex addiction intervention will quickly and repeatedly backfire this Thursday.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Several dozen blemishes on your permanent record will prevent you from getting into the maximum security prison of your choice next week.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
All of your questions concerning spontaneous combustion will suddenly be answered this Friday.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You'll realize how much your drinking has affected your personal relationships this week, after friends admit they hate the person you become when sober.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
While initially insulted, you'll soon realize that being called an "unfit mother" has little to do with what shape you're in.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will be reduced to a mere statistic as soon as someone starts keeping track of how many Americans are deservedly paralyzed in motorcycle accidents each year.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Spice up your marriage! When role-playing with your wife, pretend you're her emotionally distant, affection-withholding father!
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
A firm handshake can tell you a lot about a person, especially if that person has a hook for a hand.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
If you want your fortune so bad, maybe you should consult those tea leaves again—the way you did last week. You didn't think the stars knew about that, did you?
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You will finally stop referring to the Midwest as the "flyover states" during a tragic plane ride from New York to Los Angeles.
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