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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    While the news is certainly sad, take heart in knowing that your mother is in a better place now, even if it is a cramped wooden coffin six feet underground.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll finally find Mr. Right this week, moments after he leaves a pregnant Mrs. Right to be with you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Despite the best of intentions, a sex addiction intervention will quickly and repeatedly backfire this Thursday.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Several dozen blemishes on your permanent record will prevent you from getting into the maximum security prison of your choice next week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    All of your questions concerning spontaneous combustion will suddenly be answered this Friday.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll realize how much your drinking has affected your personal relationships this week, after friends admit they hate the person you become when sober.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    While initially insulted, you'll soon realize that being called an "unfit mother" has little to do with what shape you're in.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be reduced to a mere statistic as soon as someone starts keeping track of how many Americans are deservedly paralyzed in motorcycle accidents each year.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Spice up your marriage! When role-playing with your wife, pretend you're her emotionally distant, affection-withholding father!
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A firm handshake can tell you a lot about a person, especially if that person has a hook for a hand.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    If you want your fortune so bad, maybe you should consult those tea leaves again—the way you did last week. You didn't think the stars knew about that, did you?
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will finally stop referring to the Midwest as the "flyover states" during a tragic plane ride from New York to Los Angeles.