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How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    While the news is certainly sad, take heart in knowing that your mother is in a better place now, even if it is a cramped wooden coffin six feet underground.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll finally find Mr. Right this week, moments after he leaves a pregnant Mrs. Right to be with you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Despite the best of intentions, a sex addiction intervention will quickly and repeatedly backfire this Thursday.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Several dozen blemishes on your permanent record will prevent you from getting into the maximum security prison of your choice next week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    All of your questions concerning spontaneous combustion will suddenly be answered this Friday.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll realize how much your drinking has affected your personal relationships this week, after friends admit they hate the person you become when sober.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    While initially insulted, you'll soon realize that being called an "unfit mother" has little to do with what shape you're in.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be reduced to a mere statistic as soon as someone starts keeping track of how many Americans are deservedly paralyzed in motorcycle accidents each year.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Spice up your marriage! When role-playing with your wife, pretend you're her emotionally distant, affection-withholding father!
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A firm handshake can tell you a lot about a person, especially if that person has a hook for a hand.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    If you want your fortune so bad, maybe you should consult those tea leaves again—the way you did last week. You didn't think the stars knew about that, did you?
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will finally stop referring to the Midwest as the "flyover states" during a tragic plane ride from New York to Los Angeles.

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