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Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Turn that frown upside down! A dislocated collarbone should make the process easier than you may think.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will soon realize that there's nothing more beautiful than watching the morning sunrise—except for, of course, being able to sleep at night.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It's not the size of the ship, but rather the motion of the ocean that will cause your girlfriend to get sick during intercourse.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    While usually reserved, you'll wear your heart on your sleeve, your shirt collar, and most of your pants after a harrowing clock-tower shooting this Thursday.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Avoid a potentially embarrassing situation this week by explaining to your daughter that sometimes mommies and daddies also enjoy playing dress-up.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Sure, it may be hard to stay optimistic, but remember: It's called pancreatic cancer, not pancreatic can't-cer!
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Just when you think things can't get any worse, the crying infant three seats down will survive the plane crash.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Don't let the love of your life pass you by. Stop the hors d'oeuvres waiter carrying some of those delicious pigs in a blanket.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Problems at home will require your full attention this week. Be sure to first mute the television set before asking your partner why she's crying.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The stars would love to predict your future this week, but it's hard to tell what's going on with all that blood in the way.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your marathon run will soon be regarded as a true testament to the futility of the human spirit.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    What may at first appear to be an insurmountable obstacle will in time be seen for what it really is: an impenetrable barrier.

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