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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Turn that frown upside down! A dislocated collarbone should make the process easier than you may think.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will soon realize that there's nothing more beautiful than watching the morning sunrise—except for, of course, being able to sleep at night.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It's not the size of the ship, but rather the motion of the ocean that will cause your girlfriend to get sick during intercourse.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    While usually reserved, you'll wear your heart on your sleeve, your shirt collar, and most of your pants after a harrowing clock-tower shooting this Thursday.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Avoid a potentially embarrassing situation this week by explaining to your daughter that sometimes mommies and daddies also enjoy playing dress-up.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Sure, it may be hard to stay optimistic, but remember: It's called pancreatic cancer, not pancreatic can't-cer!
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Just when you think things can't get any worse, the crying infant three seats down will survive the plane crash.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Don't let the love of your life pass you by. Stop the hors d'oeuvres waiter carrying some of those delicious pigs in a blanket.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Problems at home will require your full attention this week. Be sure to first mute the television set before asking your partner why she's crying.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The stars would love to predict your future this week, but it's hard to tell what's going on with all that blood in the way.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your marathon run will soon be regarded as a true testament to the futility of the human spirit.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    What may at first appear to be an insurmountable obstacle will in time be seen for what it really is: an impenetrable barrier.

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