adBlockCheck

Your Horoscope

Top Headlines

Recent News

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Holidays

Television

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars understand that faith is difficult in the modern world, but trust them when they tell you that the derivative of a constant is always zero.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Like that of human beings, the beauty of snowflakes lies in the fact that no two are exactly alike. Also, a big part of their beauty lies in the fact that every single one of them is white.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your brand-new goose down jacket will be damaged beyond repair this week when you're shot 11 times in the chest.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    While jazzercise classes won't trim your thighs or waistline, they will soon leave you with a greater appreciation for Duke Ellington and Charles Mingus.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    There's no denying that your unique scarecrow design scares the hell out the crows, but it has the disadvantage of filling your yard with infuriated Christians.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Statistics say that nearly 78 percent of rapes are committed by someone the victim knew, but you'll insist next week that the more correct phrasing is "thought they knew."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your resistance to technology comes to a sudden end this week when you're garroted with a length of fiber-optic cable.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    After months of being woken up at all hours by your newborn daughter, you will finally be able to sleep soundly this week after it's decided that she should stay overnight at the local hospital for further tests.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars indicate that love is in your future. They also indicate your latitude and longitude, if you have a sextant and a basic knowledge of geometry.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will lose your lifelong faith in the powers of duct tape and staples when they fail to mend your broken heart.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Whatever compassion or sympathy once motivated people to tolerate you will soon disappear.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll learn a lot about yourself this week, including the exact tensile strength of each of your ribs, the temperature at which your nasal cartilage melts, and where your fear of commitment comes from.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close