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Vol 43 Issue 47

Online Couple Never Chats Anymore

Seattle—"Sometimes I wonder what I ever saw in his online profile," said Baxter, who couldn’t remember the last time she and Tim Siegal really ‘LOLed’ together.

What's-His-Face Fires Publicist

LOS ANGELES—What's-his-face, possibly best known for his recurring role in a series of pretty big action movies from the past few years,...

Study: Acupuncture Works

A recent German study demonstrated that acupuncture, even fake acupuncture, worked better than conventional care to relieve chronic back pain. What...
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    The stars understand that faith is difficult in the modern world, but trust them when they tell you that the derivative of a constant is always zero.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Like that of human beings, the beauty of snowflakes lies in the fact that no two are exactly alike. Also, a big part of their beauty lies in the fact that every single one of them is white.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Your brand-new goose down jacket will be damaged beyond repair this week when you're shot 11 times in the chest.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    While jazzercise classes won't trim your thighs or waistline, they will soon leave you with a greater appreciation for Duke Ellington and Charles Mingus.
  • Leo

    Leo

    There's no denying that your unique scarecrow design scares the hell out the crows, but it has the disadvantage of filling your yard with infuriated Christians.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Statistics say that nearly 78 percent of rapes are committed by someone the victim knew, but you'll insist next week that the more correct phrasing is "thought they knew."
  • Libra

    Libra

    Your resistance to technology comes to a sudden end this week when you're garroted with a length of fiber-optic cable.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    After months of being woken up at all hours by your newborn daughter, you will finally be able to sleep soundly this week after it's decided that she should stay overnight at the local hospital for further tests.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    The stars indicate that love is in your future. They also indicate your latitude and longitude, if you have a sextant and a basic knowledge of geometry.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You will lose your lifelong faith in the powers of duct tape and staples when they fail to mend your broken heart.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Whatever compassion or sympathy once motivated people to tolerate you will soon disappear.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You'll learn a lot about yourself this week, including the exact tensile strength of each of your ribs, the temperature at which your nasal cartilage melts, and where your fear of commitment comes from.
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