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Entire Broncos Organization Announces Retirement After Super Bowl Win

‘There’s Nothing Better Than Going Out On Top,’ Says Every Denver Player, Coach, Executive, Trainer, Office Administrator, Janitor

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following the team’s 24-10 victory over the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl 50, every single member of the Denver Broncos organization officially announced their retirement Sunday.

Family, Friends Concerned After Peyton Manning Wanders Away From Pocket

SANTA CLARA, CA—Admitting to being “worried sick” after realizing he had suddenly disappeared in the middle of a play, family and friends of Peyton Manning grew incredibly concerned Sunday after the veteran Denver Broncos quarterback wandered away from the pocket during the first quarter of Super Bowl 50, sources confirmed.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars understand that faith is difficult in the modern world, but trust them when they tell you that the derivative of a constant is always zero.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Like that of human beings, the beauty of snowflakes lies in the fact that no two are exactly alike. Also, a big part of their beauty lies in the fact that every single one of them is white.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your brand-new goose down jacket will be damaged beyond repair this week when you're shot 11 times in the chest.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    While jazzercise classes won't trim your thighs or waistline, they will soon leave you with a greater appreciation for Duke Ellington and Charles Mingus.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    There's no denying that your unique scarecrow design scares the hell out the crows, but it has the disadvantage of filling your yard with infuriated Christians.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Statistics say that nearly 78 percent of rapes are committed by someone the victim knew, but you'll insist next week that the more correct phrasing is "thought they knew."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your resistance to technology comes to a sudden end this week when you're garroted with a length of fiber-optic cable.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    After months of being woken up at all hours by your newborn daughter, you will finally be able to sleep soundly this week after it's decided that she should stay overnight at the local hospital for further tests.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars indicate that love is in your future. They also indicate your latitude and longitude, if you have a sextant and a basic knowledge of geometry.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will lose your lifelong faith in the powers of duct tape and staples when they fail to mend your broken heart.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Whatever compassion or sympathy once motivated people to tolerate you will soon disappear.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll learn a lot about yourself this week, including the exact tensile strength of each of your ribs, the temperature at which your nasal cartilage melts, and where your fear of commitment comes from.

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