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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars understand that faith is difficult in the modern world, but trust them when they tell you that the derivative of a constant is always zero.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Like that of human beings, the beauty of snowflakes lies in the fact that no two are exactly alike. Also, a big part of their beauty lies in the fact that every single one of them is white.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your brand-new goose down jacket will be damaged beyond repair this week when you're shot 11 times in the chest.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    While jazzercise classes won't trim your thighs or waistline, they will soon leave you with a greater appreciation for Duke Ellington and Charles Mingus.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    There's no denying that your unique scarecrow design scares the hell out the crows, but it has the disadvantage of filling your yard with infuriated Christians.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Statistics say that nearly 78 percent of rapes are committed by someone the victim knew, but you'll insist next week that the more correct phrasing is "thought they knew."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your resistance to technology comes to a sudden end this week when you're garroted with a length of fiber-optic cable.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    After months of being woken up at all hours by your newborn daughter, you will finally be able to sleep soundly this week after it's decided that she should stay overnight at the local hospital for further tests.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars indicate that love is in your future. They also indicate your latitude and longitude, if you have a sextant and a basic knowledge of geometry.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will lose your lifelong faith in the powers of duct tape and staples when they fail to mend your broken heart.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Whatever compassion or sympathy once motivated people to tolerate you will soon disappear.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll learn a lot about yourself this week, including the exact tensile strength of each of your ribs, the temperature at which your nasal cartilage melts, and where your fear of commitment comes from.

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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