Aries | March 21 to April 19
Wild peals of laughter will surround you this week when you're unexpectedly struck in the nuts by cancer.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
They've called you spineless, thin-skinned, a lowly bottom feeder. But then you're Rhopilema verrilli, a species of jellyfish known for its creamy white color and deep swimming bell.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You've tried to go it alone but, sadly, what the act of sexual stimulation really needs is a woman's touch.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Most firearm accidents occur in the home. Avoid the chance of serious injury by getting shot repeatedly at work this week.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Your meticulous attention to detail willl once again ruin an other-wise fun and pleasureable pasttime.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Fears of dying alone will soon be allayed when more than 2,000 fire ants keep you company during those last terrifying minutes.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your zodiac sign will continue to grow more ironic with each and every meal you choose to consume.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
A head surgeon and two operating nurses will soon stage a comedy of errors atop your anesthetized chest.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Dyslexia may be a serious affliction, but so is abusing it in order to attain triple-letter scores when playing Scrabble.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
The best way to survive a grizzly bear attack is to play dead. Look to your wife and children for pointers on realism.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Sure, you may be having some second thoughts about it, but when was the last time a little vial of poison hurt anyone?
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The stars, though massive balls of plasma incapable of human emotion, pity you.
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