adBlockCheck

Recent News

Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.
End Of Section
  • More News

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Wild peals of laughter will surround you this week when you're unexpectedly struck in the nuts by cancer.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    They've called you spineless, thin-skinned, a lowly bottom feeder. But then you're Rhopilema verrilli, a species of jellyfish known for its creamy white color and deep swimming bell.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've tried to go it alone but, sadly, what the act of sexual stimulation really needs is a woman's touch.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Most firearm accidents occur in the home. Avoid the chance of serious injury by getting shot repeatedly at work this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your meticulous attention to detail willl once again ruin an other-wise fun and pleasureable pasttime.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Fears of dying alone will soon be allayed when more than 2,000 fire ants keep you company during those last terrifying minutes.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your zodiac sign will continue to grow more ironic with each and every meal you choose to consume.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A head surgeon and two operating nurses will soon stage a comedy of errors atop your anesthetized chest.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Dyslexia may be a serious affliction, but so is abusing it in order to attain triple-letter scores when playing Scrabble.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The best way to survive a grizzly bear attack is to play dead. Look to your wife and children for pointers on realism.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Sure, you may be having some second thoughts about it, but when was the last time a little vial of poison hurt anyone?
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars, though massive balls of plasma incapable of human emotion, pity you.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close