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Vol 43 Issue 48

Lone Gunman Envied By Married Gunman

LOS ANGELES—"Running around firing indiscriminately into a crowd—now that's someone who doesn't have to wake up and go furniture shopping tomorrow," said Henderson.

D.C. Tops In AIDS

The District of Columbia has the highest AIDS rates in the country. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    Wild peals of laughter will surround you this week when you're unexpectedly struck in the nuts by cancer.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    They've called you spineless, thin-skinned, a lowly bottom feeder. But then you're Rhopilema verrilli, a species of jellyfish known for its creamy white color and deep swimming bell.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You've tried to go it alone but, sadly, what the act of sexual stimulation really needs is a woman's touch.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Most firearm accidents occur in the home. Avoid the chance of serious injury by getting shot repeatedly at work this week.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Your meticulous attention to detail willl once again ruin an other-wise fun and pleasureable pasttime.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Fears of dying alone will soon be allayed when more than 2,000 fire ants keep you company during those last terrifying minutes.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Your zodiac sign will continue to grow more ironic with each and every meal you choose to consume.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    A head surgeon and two operating nurses will soon stage a comedy of errors atop your anesthetized chest.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Dyslexia may be a serious affliction, but so is abusing it in order to attain triple-letter scores when playing Scrabble.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    The best way to survive a grizzly bear attack is to play dead. Look to your wife and children for pointers on realism.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Sure, you may be having some second thoughts about it, but when was the last time a little vial of poison hurt anyone?
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    The stars, though massive balls of plasma incapable of human emotion, pity you.
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