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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Wild peals of laughter will surround you this week when you're unexpectedly struck in the nuts by cancer.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    They've called you spineless, thin-skinned, a lowly bottom feeder. But then you're Rhopilema verrilli, a species of jellyfish known for its creamy white color and deep swimming bell.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've tried to go it alone but, sadly, what the act of sexual stimulation really needs is a woman's touch.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Most firearm accidents occur in the home. Avoid the chance of serious injury by getting shot repeatedly at work this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your meticulous attention to detail willl once again ruin an other-wise fun and pleasureable pasttime.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Fears of dying alone will soon be allayed when more than 2,000 fire ants keep you company during those last terrifying minutes.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your zodiac sign will continue to grow more ironic with each and every meal you choose to consume.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A head surgeon and two operating nurses will soon stage a comedy of errors atop your anesthetized chest.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Dyslexia may be a serious affliction, but so is abusing it in order to attain triple-letter scores when playing Scrabble.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The best way to survive a grizzly bear attack is to play dead. Look to your wife and children for pointers on realism.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Sure, you may be having some second thoughts about it, but when was the last time a little vial of poison hurt anyone?
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars, though massive balls of plasma incapable of human emotion, pity you.

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