adBlockCheck

Your Horoscope

Top Headlines

Recent News

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Wild peals of laughter will surround you this week when you're unexpectedly struck in the nuts by cancer.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    They've called you spineless, thin-skinned, a lowly bottom feeder. But then you're Rhopilema verrilli, a species of jellyfish known for its creamy white color and deep swimming bell.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've tried to go it alone but, sadly, what the act of sexual stimulation really needs is a woman's touch.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Most firearm accidents occur in the home. Avoid the chance of serious injury by getting shot repeatedly at work this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your meticulous attention to detail willl once again ruin an other-wise fun and pleasureable pasttime.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Fears of dying alone will soon be allayed when more than 2,000 fire ants keep you company during those last terrifying minutes.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your zodiac sign will continue to grow more ironic with each and every meal you choose to consume.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A head surgeon and two operating nurses will soon stage a comedy of errors atop your anesthetized chest.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Dyslexia may be a serious affliction, but so is abusing it in order to attain triple-letter scores when playing Scrabble.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The best way to survive a grizzly bear attack is to play dead. Look to your wife and children for pointers on realism.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Sure, you may be having some second thoughts about it, but when was the last time a little vial of poison hurt anyone?
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars, though massive balls of plasma incapable of human emotion, pity you.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close