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Vol 43 Issue 49

U.S. Breath Reaches All-Time Worst

WASHINGTON—"We can no longer afford to turn our heads away and ignore this problem," Department of Breath and Human Services Secretary Michael Leavitt said.

Kidnapping British People Legal

A lawyer for the U.S. government told the Court of Appeal in London that the United States could legally kidnap citizens of other countries because...
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    After days of banging your head against the wall, you'll finally find the answer you've been searching for: Bluurghhzzzzz!
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Eyes are the windows to the soul. Keep yours shiny and clean by scrubbing them with an ammonia solution.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You've never been one to believe in God, but then He does seem pretty sure about Canberra being the capital of Australia.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    A series of tragic and unforeseen events will soon leave you the man, woman, and sister of the house.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Your relationship elevator is going up this week. Unfortunately, it's a relationship service elevator and the guy is only into you for the green card.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    What begins as a Kafkaesque ordeal, will soon turn into an Orwellian nightmare, before unexpectedly becoming a Judy Blume-ish disaster.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Your attempt to hold a mirror up to society backfires this week when society is pleasantly surprised with how good its hypocrisy looks.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Despite there being a medical term for it, a team of doctors will simply refer to your condition as "Jesus fucking Christ."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Your lucky Elements of the Periodic Table for this week are: Boron, Magnesium, Zinc, and Iodine.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Yes, the human body is an incredible organism, but the way you say it just sounds creepy.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Maybe it's your dislike of actor Roberto Benigni, but you're starting to think the Holocaust wasn't such a terrible idea.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    A devastating earthquake will claim the lives of thousands this Thursday. On the bright side, you'll finally make that 7-10 split you've been struggling with.
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