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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    After days of banging your head against the wall, you'll finally find the answer you've been searching for: Bluurghhzzzzz!
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Eyes are the windows to the soul. Keep yours shiny and clean by scrubbing them with an ammonia solution.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've never been one to believe in God, but then He does seem pretty sure about Canberra being the capital of Australia.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A series of tragic and unforeseen events will soon leave you the man, woman, and sister of the house.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your relationship elevator is going up this week. Unfortunately, it's a relationship service elevator and the guy is only into you for the green card.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    What begins as a Kafkaesque ordeal, will soon turn into an Orwellian nightmare, before unexpectedly becoming a Judy Blume-ish disaster.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your attempt to hold a mirror up to society backfires this week when society is pleasantly surprised with how good its hypocrisy looks.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Despite there being a medical term for it, a team of doctors will simply refer to your condition as "Jesus fucking Christ."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your lucky Elements of the Periodic Table for this week are: Boron, Magnesium, Zinc, and Iodine.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Yes, the human body is an incredible organism, but the way you say it just sounds creepy.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Maybe it's your dislike of actor Roberto Benigni, but you're starting to think the Holocaust wasn't such a terrible idea.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    A devastating earthquake will claim the lives of thousands this Thursday. On the bright side, you'll finally make that 7-10 split you've been struggling with.

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