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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    After days of banging your head against the wall, you'll finally find the answer you've been searching for: Bluurghhzzzzz!
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Eyes are the windows to the soul. Keep yours shiny and clean by scrubbing them with an ammonia solution.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've never been one to believe in God, but then He does seem pretty sure about Canberra being the capital of Australia.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A series of tragic and unforeseen events will soon leave you the man, woman, and sister of the house.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your relationship elevator is going up this week. Unfortunately, it's a relationship service elevator and the guy is only into you for the green card.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    What begins as a Kafkaesque ordeal, will soon turn into an Orwellian nightmare, before unexpectedly becoming a Judy Blume-ish disaster.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your attempt to hold a mirror up to society backfires this week when society is pleasantly surprised with how good its hypocrisy looks.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Despite there being a medical term for it, a team of doctors will simply refer to your condition as "Jesus fucking Christ."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your lucky Elements of the Periodic Table for this week are: Boron, Magnesium, Zinc, and Iodine.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Yes, the human body is an incredible organism, but the way you say it just sounds creepy.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Maybe it's your dislike of actor Roberto Benigni, but you're starting to think the Holocaust wasn't such a terrible idea.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    A devastating earthquake will claim the lives of thousands this Thursday. On the bright side, you'll finally make that 7-10 split you've been struggling with.

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