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Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    After days of banging your head against the wall, you'll finally find the answer you've been searching for: Bluurghhzzzzz!
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Eyes are the windows to the soul. Keep yours shiny and clean by scrubbing them with an ammonia solution.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've never been one to believe in God, but then He does seem pretty sure about Canberra being the capital of Australia.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A series of tragic and unforeseen events will soon leave you the man, woman, and sister of the house.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your relationship elevator is going up this week. Unfortunately, it's a relationship service elevator and the guy is only into you for the green card.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    What begins as a Kafkaesque ordeal, will soon turn into an Orwellian nightmare, before unexpectedly becoming a Judy Blume-ish disaster.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your attempt to hold a mirror up to society backfires this week when society is pleasantly surprised with how good its hypocrisy looks.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Despite there being a medical term for it, a team of doctors will simply refer to your condition as "Jesus fucking Christ."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your lucky Elements of the Periodic Table for this week are: Boron, Magnesium, Zinc, and Iodine.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Yes, the human body is an incredible organism, but the way you say it just sounds creepy.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Maybe it's your dislike of actor Roberto Benigni, but you're starting to think the Holocaust wasn't such a terrible idea.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    A devastating earthquake will claim the lives of thousands this Thursday. On the bright side, you'll finally make that 7-10 split you've been struggling with.

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