Aries | March 21 to April 19
After days of banging your head against the wall, you'll finally find the answer you've been searching for: Bluurghhzzzzz!
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Eyes are the windows to the soul. Keep yours shiny and clean by scrubbing them with an ammonia solution.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You've never been one to believe in God, but then He does seem pretty sure about Canberra being the capital of Australia.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
A series of tragic and unforeseen events will soon leave you the man, woman, and sister of the house.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Your relationship elevator is going up this week. Unfortunately, it's a relationship service elevator and the guy is only into you for the green card.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
What begins as a Kafkaesque ordeal, will soon turn into an Orwellian nightmare, before unexpectedly becoming a Judy Blume-ish disaster.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your attempt to hold a mirror up to society backfires this week when society is pleasantly surprised with how good its hypocrisy looks.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Despite there being a medical term for it, a team of doctors will simply refer to your condition as "Jesus fucking Christ."
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your lucky Elements of the Periodic Table for this week are: Boron, Magnesium, Zinc, and Iodine.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Yes, the human body is an incredible organism, but the way you say it just sounds creepy.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Maybe it's your dislike of actor Roberto Benigni, but you're starting to think the Holocaust wasn't such a terrible idea.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
A devastating earthquake will claim the lives of thousands this Thursday. On the bright side, you'll finally make that 7-10 split you've been struggling with.
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