adBlockCheck

Recent News

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
End Of Section
  • More News

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Crackling with the warmth of the season, a yuletide fire will quickly consume your helpless flesh.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    An attempt to concentrate on more intellectual pursuits will ultimately fail this week, thanks to that shiny thing over there.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Though not a mood ring by design, your wedding band will soon communicate the misery and hopelessness you feel inside.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll be brought to your knees this Thursday by nothing more than a severe and irreversible case of gangrene.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    While you've reasoned your way out of tricky situations before, a crisis this week involving a fox, a chicken, and a bag of feed will leave you completely stumped.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You've never been the type to ask for help. Sadly, though, you've always been the type to beg for it.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    An engrossing read will soon transport you to a strange and faraway land, leaving you stranded in Harlem after 30 missed stops.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your lucky 19th century German-language philosophers for this week are: Heidegger, Nietzsche, Schopenhauer, and Wundt.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The National Institute Of Raised Expectations Followed By Disappointing Results will come very close to honoring you this week.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You never thought having a kid could be so exhausting, but then staying one step ahead of Child Protective Services does take its toll.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The rise of Venus in your sign can only mean one thing: This will be a great week to read too much into stuff.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Speak directly from the heart this week. Tell your loved one, "Re-circulate the blood! Re-circulate the blood! Re-circulate the blood!"
More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close