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Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Crackling with the warmth of the season, a yuletide fire will quickly consume your helpless flesh.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    An attempt to concentrate on more intellectual pursuits will ultimately fail this week, thanks to that shiny thing over there.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Though not a mood ring by design, your wedding band will soon communicate the misery and hopelessness you feel inside.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll be brought to your knees this Thursday by nothing more than a severe and irreversible case of gangrene.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    While you've reasoned your way out of tricky situations before, a crisis this week involving a fox, a chicken, and a bag of feed will leave you completely stumped.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You've never been the type to ask for help. Sadly, though, you've always been the type to beg for it.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    An engrossing read will soon transport you to a strange and faraway land, leaving you stranded in Harlem after 30 missed stops.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your lucky 19th century German-language philosophers for this week are: Heidegger, Nietzsche, Schopenhauer, and Wundt.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The National Institute Of Raised Expectations Followed By Disappointing Results will come very close to honoring you this week.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You never thought having a kid could be so exhausting, but then staying one step ahead of Child Protective Services does take its toll.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The rise of Venus in your sign can only mean one thing: This will be a great week to read too much into stuff.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Speak directly from the heart this week. Tell your loved one, "Re-circulate the blood! Re-circulate the blood! Re-circulate the blood!"

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