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Horrifying Police Body Camera Footage Clearly Shows Current State Of America

CINCINNATI—Following a traffic stop earlier this month by a University of Cincinnati police officer that ended in the shooting death of an unarmed black motorist, authorities confirmed Thursday that the disturbing video recorded by the officer’s body camera clearly and graphically shows the current state of America.

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Crackling with the warmth of the season, a yuletide fire will quickly consume your helpless flesh.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    An attempt to concentrate on more intellectual pursuits will ultimately fail this week, thanks to that shiny thing over there.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Though not a mood ring by design, your wedding band will soon communicate the misery and hopelessness you feel inside.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll be brought to your knees this Thursday by nothing more than a severe and irreversible case of gangrene.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    While you've reasoned your way out of tricky situations before, a crisis this week involving a fox, a chicken, and a bag of feed will leave you completely stumped.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You've never been the type to ask for help. Sadly, though, you've always been the type to beg for it.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    An engrossing read will soon transport you to a strange and faraway land, leaving you stranded in Harlem after 30 missed stops.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your lucky 19th century German-language philosophers for this week are: Heidegger, Nietzsche, Schopenhauer, and Wundt.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The National Institute Of Raised Expectations Followed By Disappointing Results will come very close to honoring you this week.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You never thought having a kid could be so exhausting, but then staying one step ahead of Child Protective Services does take its toll.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The rise of Venus in your sign can only mean one thing: This will be a great week to read too much into stuff.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Speak directly from the heart this week. Tell your loved one, "Re-circulate the blood! Re-circulate the blood! Re-circulate the blood!"