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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Crackling with the warmth of the season, a yuletide fire will quickly consume your helpless flesh.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    An attempt to concentrate on more intellectual pursuits will ultimately fail this week, thanks to that shiny thing over there.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Though not a mood ring by design, your wedding band will soon communicate the misery and hopelessness you feel inside.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll be brought to your knees this Thursday by nothing more than a severe and irreversible case of gangrene.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    While you've reasoned your way out of tricky situations before, a crisis this week involving a fox, a chicken, and a bag of feed will leave you completely stumped.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You've never been the type to ask for help. Sadly, though, you've always been the type to beg for it.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    An engrossing read will soon transport you to a strange and faraway land, leaving you stranded in Harlem after 30 missed stops.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your lucky 19th century German-language philosophers for this week are: Heidegger, Nietzsche, Schopenhauer, and Wundt.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The National Institute Of Raised Expectations Followed By Disappointing Results will come very close to honoring you this week.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You never thought having a kid could be so exhausting, but then staying one step ahead of Child Protective Services does take its toll.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The rise of Venus in your sign can only mean one thing: This will be a great week to read too much into stuff.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Speak directly from the heart this week. Tell your loved one, "Re-circulate the blood! Re-circulate the blood! Re-circulate the blood!"

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