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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A march intended to raise awareness of breast cancer will, after a disasterous turn, raise awareness of drunk driving instead.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Maybe it's your dislike of actor Roberto Benigni, but you're starting to think the Holocaust wasn't such a bad idea.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Much to your surprise, what actually separates the men from the boys will turn out to be a court order.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Statistics say that nearly 78% of rapes are committed by someone the victim knew, but you'll insist next week that the more correct phrasing is "thought they knew."
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    There's no denying that your unique scarecrow design scares the hell out of the crows, but it has the disadvantage of filling your yard with infuriated Christians.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll again fail to see the world though the eyes of a child this week when it turns out that kids' eyes are really expensive and, anyway, seeing them doesn't really work like that.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll end this week pretty much the way you started it, at least from a purely chemical-composition standpoint.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You've never enjoyed taking advantage of emotionally vulnerable individuals, but unfortunately, as a health-care professional, that's your job.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Even though he lives nearly three states away and you haven't seen each other in years, you will eerily sense your twin brother's promotion to senior middle manager this week at the very moment it happens.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will soon be surprised to learn that your personal hell is actually quite similar, in more ways than you'll care to admit, to the Christian conception of hell.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    For two horrifying and heartrending hours immediately outside your beach house this week, the blue whale will become the largest land mammal.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Financial hardship will soon be yours when a visiting Spaniard causes $600 worth of damage to your bar's mechanical bull.
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