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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A march intended to raise awareness of breast cancer will, after a disasterous turn, raise awareness of drunk driving instead.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Maybe it's your dislike of actor Roberto Benigni, but you're starting to think the Holocaust wasn't such a bad idea.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Much to your surprise, what actually separates the men from the boys will turn out to be a court order.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Statistics say that nearly 78% of rapes are committed by someone the victim knew, but you'll insist next week that the more correct phrasing is "thought they knew."
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    There's no denying that your unique scarecrow design scares the hell out of the crows, but it has the disadvantage of filling your yard with infuriated Christians.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll again fail to see the world though the eyes of a child this week when it turns out that kids' eyes are really expensive and, anyway, seeing them doesn't really work like that.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll end this week pretty much the way you started it, at least from a purely chemical-composition standpoint.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You've never enjoyed taking advantage of emotionally vulnerable individuals, but unfortunately, as a health-care professional, that's your job.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Even though he lives nearly three states away and you haven't seen each other in years, you will eerily sense your twin brother's promotion to senior middle manager this week at the very moment it happens.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will soon be surprised to learn that your personal hell is actually quite similar, in more ways than you'll care to admit, to the Christian conception of hell.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    For two horrifying and heartrending hours immediately outside your beach house this week, the blue whale will become the largest land mammal.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Financial hardship will soon be yours when a visiting Spaniard causes $600 worth of damage to your bar's mechanical bull.