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Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A march intended to raise awareness of breast cancer will, after a disasterous turn, raise awareness of drunk driving instead.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Maybe it's your dislike of actor Roberto Benigni, but you're starting to think the Holocaust wasn't such a bad idea.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Much to your surprise, what actually separates the men from the boys will turn out to be a court order.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Statistics say that nearly 78% of rapes are committed by someone the victim knew, but you'll insist next week that the more correct phrasing is "thought they knew."
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    There's no denying that your unique scarecrow design scares the hell out of the crows, but it has the disadvantage of filling your yard with infuriated Christians.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll again fail to see the world though the eyes of a child this week when it turns out that kids' eyes are really expensive and, anyway, seeing them doesn't really work like that.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll end this week pretty much the way you started it, at least from a purely chemical-composition standpoint.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You've never enjoyed taking advantage of emotionally vulnerable individuals, but unfortunately, as a health-care professional, that's your job.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Even though he lives nearly three states away and you haven't seen each other in years, you will eerily sense your twin brother's promotion to senior middle manager this week at the very moment it happens.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will soon be surprised to learn that your personal hell is actually quite similar, in more ways than you'll care to admit, to the Christian conception of hell.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    For two horrifying and heartrending hours immediately outside your beach house this week, the blue whale will become the largest land mammal.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Financial hardship will soon be yours when a visiting Spaniard causes $600 worth of damage to your bar's mechanical bull.


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