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Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.

Disney Unveils First Virgin Princess

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to better reflect the diverse backgrounds and experiences of their audience, Disney officials this week introduced Lily of Hazelberry, the company’s first virgin princess.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Lately it seems like every time you open your mouth something terrible happens. Don’t be alarmed: What you’re suffering from is known as “food poisoning.”
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    While many people believe humor to be subjective, you and 36 flights of freshly mopped stairs will soon prove them wrong.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars predict an exciting change in careers this week. Prepare to go from being a Fry Cook to being a Former Fry Cook.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Sometimes the difference between pleasure and pain can be difficult to ascertain, but then that’s what the strange men in lab coats are here for.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You’ll be attacked for your unflattering and blasphemous depiction of the prophet Mohammed following a rather disastrous makeover this week.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You always thought that talking with your hands was something you did because you were Italian, but, as it turns out, it’s because you’re deaf.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After all the blood, sweat and tears, you’ll once again flush hours of strenuous work straight down the toilet.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Sure, the bear costume may have set you back a pretty penny, but just think of all the free tranquilizer shots you’ll soon be getting.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You’ll swear off ever using the canned stuff again after getting your hands on some fresh, locally grown whupass this week.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Even though you know Rumpelstiltskin is his name, you’re still not sure you want to go back to the responsibilities of motherhood.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Looking back now, it was probably foolish to bet everything on a horse named Remember, Sound Financial Investments Are The Key To Avoiding Crippling Debt.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    By the time you finish reading this, it will have been too late.
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