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What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Lately it seems like every time you open your mouth something terrible happens. Don’t be alarmed: What you’re suffering from is known as “food poisoning.”
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    While many people believe humor to be subjective, you and 36 flights of freshly mopped stairs will soon prove them wrong.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars predict an exciting change in careers this week. Prepare to go from being a Fry Cook to being a Former Fry Cook.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Sometimes the difference between pleasure and pain can be difficult to ascertain, but then that’s what the strange men in lab coats are here for.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You’ll be attacked for your unflattering and blasphemous depiction of the prophet Mohammed following a rather disastrous makeover this week.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You always thought that talking with your hands was something you did because you were Italian, but, as it turns out, it’s because you’re deaf.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After all the blood, sweat and tears, you’ll once again flush hours of strenuous work straight down the toilet.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Sure, the bear costume may have set you back a pretty penny, but just think of all the free tranquilizer shots you’ll soon be getting.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You’ll swear off ever using the canned stuff again after getting your hands on some fresh, locally grown whupass this week.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Even though you know Rumpelstiltskin is his name, you’re still not sure you want to go back to the responsibilities of motherhood.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Looking back now, it was probably foolish to bet everything on a horse named Remember, Sound Financial Investments Are The Key To Avoiding Crippling Debt.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    By the time you finish reading this, it will have been too late.

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