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New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Lately it seems like every time you open your mouth something terrible happens. Don’t be alarmed: What you’re suffering from is known as “food poisoning.”
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    While many people believe humor to be subjective, you and 36 flights of freshly mopped stairs will soon prove them wrong.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars predict an exciting change in careers this week. Prepare to go from being a Fry Cook to being a Former Fry Cook.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Sometimes the difference between pleasure and pain can be difficult to ascertain, but then that’s what the strange men in lab coats are here for.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You’ll be attacked for your unflattering and blasphemous depiction of the prophet Mohammed following a rather disastrous makeover this week.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You always thought that talking with your hands was something you did because you were Italian, but, as it turns out, it’s because you’re deaf.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After all the blood, sweat and tears, you’ll once again flush hours of strenuous work straight down the toilet.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Sure, the bear costume may have set you back a pretty penny, but just think of all the free tranquilizer shots you’ll soon be getting.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You’ll swear off ever using the canned stuff again after getting your hands on some fresh, locally grown whupass this week.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Even though you know Rumpelstiltskin is his name, you’re still not sure you want to go back to the responsibilities of motherhood.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Looking back now, it was probably foolish to bet everything on a horse named Remember, Sound Financial Investments Are The Key To Avoiding Crippling Debt.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    By the time you finish reading this, it will have been too late.

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