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Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Lately it seems like every time you open your mouth something terrible happens. Don’t be alarmed: What you’re suffering from is known as “food poisoning.”
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    While many people believe humor to be subjective, you and 36 flights of freshly mopped stairs will soon prove them wrong.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars predict an exciting change in careers this week. Prepare to go from being a Fry Cook to being a Former Fry Cook.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Sometimes the difference between pleasure and pain can be difficult to ascertain, but then that’s what the strange men in lab coats are here for.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You’ll be attacked for your unflattering and blasphemous depiction of the prophet Mohammed following a rather disastrous makeover this week.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You always thought that talking with your hands was something you did because you were Italian, but, as it turns out, it’s because you’re deaf.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After all the blood, sweat and tears, you’ll once again flush hours of strenuous work straight down the toilet.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Sure, the bear costume may have set you back a pretty penny, but just think of all the free tranquilizer shots you’ll soon be getting.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You’ll swear off ever using the canned stuff again after getting your hands on some fresh, locally grown whupass this week.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Even though you know Rumpelstiltskin is his name, you’re still not sure you want to go back to the responsibilities of motherhood.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Looking back now, it was probably foolish to bet everything on a horse named Remember, Sound Financial Investments Are The Key To Avoiding Crippling Debt.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    By the time you finish reading this, it will have been too late.


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