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Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Ice Cream Truck Driver Going To Let These Kids Sweat A Little Bit Before Stopping

MILWAUKEE—Admitting that he’ll never get tired of looking in his rearview mirror and seeing their little legs going at full speed as they struggle to catch up to him, local ice cream truck driver Derek Kenney said that he once again planned on making the children on Maple Avenue sweat it out a little bit before stopping his vehicle.

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Finding out that a family member has passed away is never easy. Still, this week's Gorilla Gram will be tough to accept.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will soon experience the kind of love that exists only in movies, but unfortunately for you, they're the ones starring Woody Allen.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    While your method certainly worked, a simple diaper change would also have put the child out of its misery.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Critics will call your first poetry collection a "stirring work of utmost courage and beauty," which just goes to show how much mileage that man from Nantucket has.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    If you have one fault, it's that you care too much. However, if you have two faults, it's that you can never pare your faults down to just one.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll be honored as a true War Hero this week, proving once and for all how dire the situation in Iraq has become.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Remember: While it takes a real man to admit he's made a mistake, it takes a fake woman to give him his money back.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will enjoy renewed popularity when four-star chefs serve you in a light hollandaise sauce with choice of salad.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    While many people have coping mechanisms, yours is the only one made up of two hand pulleys and a crate of vodka.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your new Vaudeville routine will have them rolling in the aisles this week, though technically speaking, some of the credit should go to the fire.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though many have argued over what came first, the chicken or the egg, all agree that causality dilemmas were a lot more fun before you showed up.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will soon be ten men closer to discovering who it is you have to blow to get some service around here.