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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Finding out that a family member has passed away is never easy. Still, this week's Gorilla Gram will be tough to accept.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will soon experience the kind of love that exists only in movies, but unfortunately for you, they're the ones starring Woody Allen.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    While your method certainly worked, a simple diaper change would also have put the child out of its misery.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Critics will call your first poetry collection a "stirring work of utmost courage and beauty," which just goes to show how much mileage that man from Nantucket has.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    If you have one fault, it's that you care too much. However, if you have two faults, it's that you can never pare your faults down to just one.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll be honored as a true War Hero this week, proving once and for all how dire the situation in Iraq has become.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Remember: While it takes a real man to admit he's made a mistake, it takes a fake woman to give him his money back.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will enjoy renewed popularity when four-star chefs serve you in a light hollandaise sauce with choice of salad.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    While many people have coping mechanisms, yours is the only one made up of two hand pulleys and a crate of vodka.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your new Vaudeville routine will have them rolling in the aisles this week, though technically speaking, some of the credit should go to the fire.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though many have argued over what came first, the chicken or the egg, all agree that causality dilemmas were a lot more fun before you showed up.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will soon be ten men closer to discovering who it is you have to blow to get some service around here.

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