adBlockCheck

Your Horoscope

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Finding out that a family member has passed away is never easy. Still, this week's Gorilla Gram will be tough to accept.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will soon experience the kind of love that exists only in movies, but unfortunately for you, they're the ones starring Woody Allen.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    While your method certainly worked, a simple diaper change would also have put the child out of its misery.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Critics will call your first poetry collection a "stirring work of utmost courage and beauty," which just goes to show how much mileage that man from Nantucket has.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    If you have one fault, it's that you care too much. However, if you have two faults, it's that you can never pare your faults down to just one.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll be honored as a true War Hero this week, proving once and for all how dire the situation in Iraq has become.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Remember: While it takes a real man to admit he's made a mistake, it takes a fake woman to give him his money back.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will enjoy renewed popularity when four-star chefs serve you in a light hollandaise sauce with choice of salad.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    While many people have coping mechanisms, yours is the only one made up of two hand pulleys and a crate of vodka.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your new Vaudeville routine will have them rolling in the aisles this week, though technically speaking, some of the credit should go to the fire.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though many have argued over what came first, the chicken or the egg, all agree that causality dilemmas were a lot more fun before you showed up.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will soon be ten men closer to discovering who it is you have to blow to get some service around here.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close