Your Horoscope

Top Headlines

Recent News

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Finding out that a family member has passed away is never easy. Still, this week's Gorilla Gram will be tough to accept.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will soon experience the kind of love that exists only in movies, but unfortunately for you, they're the ones starring Woody Allen.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    While your method certainly worked, a simple diaper change would also have put the child out of its misery.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Critics will call your first poetry collection a "stirring work of utmost courage and beauty," which just goes to show how much mileage that man from Nantucket has.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    If you have one fault, it's that you care too much. However, if you have two faults, it's that you can never pare your faults down to just one.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll be honored as a true War Hero this week, proving once and for all how dire the situation in Iraq has become.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Remember: While it takes a real man to admit he's made a mistake, it takes a fake woman to give him his money back.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will enjoy renewed popularity when four-star chefs serve you in a light hollandaise sauce with choice of salad.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    While many people have coping mechanisms, yours is the only one made up of two hand pulleys and a crate of vodka.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your new Vaudeville routine will have them rolling in the aisles this week, though technically speaking, some of the credit should go to the fire.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though many have argued over what came first, the chicken or the egg, all agree that causality dilemmas were a lot more fun before you showed up.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will soon be ten men closer to discovering who it is you have to blow to get some service around here.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close