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How To Talk To Your Child About Death

When your family has experienced a loss, it can be a difficult concept for young children to process. The Onion breaks down the best ways to converse with your child about the realities of death

Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.

NASA Deploys Congressional Rover To Search For Funding

WASHINGTON—Calling the program “the most crucial in the agency’s history,” researchers at NASA announced Wednesday they have successfully deployed a Special Exploratory Rover to Congress as part of an open-ended mission to seek out any possible trace of funding on Capitol Hill.

What The Planet Will Look Like In 2100

As scientists try to project the effects of climate change into the future, many of these forecasts only go as far as 2100, a year beyond which the alterations to our environment become much harder to predict. Here is a breakdown of what we can expect our world to look like in 2100
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your heart will be in the right place this Thursday. Unfortunately, the same can't be said for the rest of your inner organs.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    While it's true that we all wear masks in our day-to-day lives, yours is the only one with both an elastic band and plastic eyeholes.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    After years of hard work, you'll finally be honored this week for your contributions to the field of Wasting Other People's Valuable Time.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Look to nature for encouragement and inspiration this week. Do this for as many ungodly hours as it damn well takes.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Yes, you're the result of a top-secret military project to meld man with machine. Unfortunately, the project's main objective was to build a better coffee maker.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It's strange the things we do when we fall in love, especially considering the rather strict regulations governing domestic livestock.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    It will smell like burnt toast, taste like burnt toast, and even look like burnt toast, but you'll be damned if it isn't just a massive cerebral hemorrhage of the frontal lobe.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars predict the start of you getting a little more proactive about your own fucking future for a change. Seriously, enough is enough.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your lucky gastrointestinal parasites for this week are: Cryptosporidium, hookworm, Giardia, and Trematodes.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A stirring piece of classical music will soon move you in ways you never thought possible. Still, thrusting one's pelvis to Tchaikovsky is frowned upon in most concert halls.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Misery may love company, but it's been over a month now that you've been crashing on its couch, and, well, you're really starting to bum misery out.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Days spent feeling like yesterday's garbage will soon come to an end. Prepare to start feeling like today's fresh selection of garbage.