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Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your heart will be in the right place this Thursday. Unfortunately, the same can't be said for the rest of your inner organs.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    While it's true that we all wear masks in our day-to-day lives, yours is the only one with both an elastic band and plastic eyeholes.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    After years of hard work, you'll finally be honored this week for your contributions to the field of Wasting Other People's Valuable Time.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Look to nature for encouragement and inspiration this week. Do this for as many ungodly hours as it damn well takes.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Yes, you're the result of a top-secret military project to meld man with machine. Unfortunately, the project's main objective was to build a better coffee maker.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It's strange the things we do when we fall in love, especially considering the rather strict regulations governing domestic livestock.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    It will smell like burnt toast, taste like burnt toast, and even look like burnt toast, but you'll be damned if it isn't just a massive cerebral hemorrhage of the frontal lobe.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars predict the start of you getting a little more proactive about your own fucking future for a change. Seriously, enough is enough.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your lucky gastrointestinal parasites for this week are: Cryptosporidium, hookworm, Giardia, and Trematodes.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A stirring piece of classical music will soon move you in ways you never thought possible. Still, thrusting one's pelvis to Tchaikovsky is frowned upon in most concert halls.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Misery may love company, but it's been over a month now that you've been crashing on its couch, and, well, you're really starting to bum misery out.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Days spent feeling like yesterday's garbage will soon come to an end. Prepare to start feeling like today's fresh selection of garbage.


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