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Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your heart will be in the right place this Thursday. Unfortunately, the same can't be said for the rest of your inner organs.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    While it's true that we all wear masks in our day-to-day lives, yours is the only one with both an elastic band and plastic eyeholes.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    After years of hard work, you'll finally be honored this week for your contributions to the field of Wasting Other People's Valuable Time.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Look to nature for encouragement and inspiration this week. Do this for as many ungodly hours as it damn well takes.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Yes, you're the result of a top-secret military project to meld man with machine. Unfortunately, the project's main objective was to build a better coffee maker.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It's strange the things we do when we fall in love, especially considering the rather strict regulations governing domestic livestock.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    It will smell like burnt toast, taste like burnt toast, and even look like burnt toast, but you'll be damned if it isn't just a massive cerebral hemorrhage of the frontal lobe.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars predict the start of you getting a little more proactive about your own fucking future for a change. Seriously, enough is enough.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your lucky gastrointestinal parasites for this week are: Cryptosporidium, hookworm, Giardia, and Trematodes.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A stirring piece of classical music will soon move you in ways you never thought possible. Still, thrusting one's pelvis to Tchaikovsky is frowned upon in most concert halls.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Misery may love company, but it's been over a month now that you've been crashing on its couch, and, well, you're really starting to bum misery out.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Days spent feeling like yesterday's garbage will soon come to an end. Prepare to start feeling like today's fresh selection of garbage.

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