adBlockCheck

Recent News

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your heart will be in the right place this Thursday. Unfortunately, the same can't be said for the rest of your inner organs.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    While it's true that we all wear masks in our day-to-day lives, yours is the only one with both an elastic band and plastic eyeholes.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    After years of hard work, you'll finally be honored this week for your contributions to the field of Wasting Other People's Valuable Time.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Look to nature for encouragement and inspiration this week. Do this for as many ungodly hours as it damn well takes.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Yes, you're the result of a top-secret military project to meld man with machine. Unfortunately, the project's main objective was to build a better coffee maker.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It's strange the things we do when we fall in love, especially considering the rather strict regulations governing domestic livestock.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    It will smell like burnt toast, taste like burnt toast, and even look like burnt toast, but you'll be damned if it isn't just a massive cerebral hemorrhage of the frontal lobe.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars predict the start of you getting a little more proactive about your own fucking future for a change. Seriously, enough is enough.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your lucky gastrointestinal parasites for this week are: Cryptosporidium, hookworm, Giardia, and Trematodes.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A stirring piece of classical music will soon move you in ways you never thought possible. Still, thrusting one's pelvis to Tchaikovsky is frowned upon in most concert halls.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Misery may love company, but it's been over a month now that you've been crashing on its couch, and, well, you're really starting to bum misery out.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Days spent feeling like yesterday's garbage will soon come to an end. Prepare to start feeling like today's fresh selection of garbage.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close