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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Though life may seem like one big game, there will be swift and severe consequences to dumping out that barrel of monkeys.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A surge of adrenaline can give people superhuman strength in times of emergency, but you'll refuse to admit that's how you opened the mayonnaise jar.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    By the end of the week, you will be heartbroken, confused, and alone. In other words, prepare for a very uneventful few days.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    They say you drive all the women crazy, but then again, you're Menopause, a physical and psychological condition known for such symptoms as depression, hot flashes, and unpredictable mood swings.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Getting out of bed in the morning has never been easy for you, though to be fair, the leather straps do pose a new challenge.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll fail to pull off the perfect murder when police investigators grow suspicious of the revolver, handsaw, and shovel you try to serve them for dinner.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your skin will soon feel like it's crawling with insects, but fear not: Spiders are actually arachnids.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It doesn't matter who did what to whom, or who owes whom what, or even what was what, just as long as people start being specific for a fucking change.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    While giving blood is considered a selfless act, the manner and speed with which you'll do it will leave pedestrians shocked.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    They say you're immature, that you have a great deal of growing up left to do, but then, you're rubber and they're glue.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You've never been the type of person who deals well with criticism, the mere mention of which will incite you to hurl a chair across the room this week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will learn a very important lesson this week concerning the relative melting points of several different dental fillings.

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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