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How To Reform The Nation’s Prison System

With pressing issues such as overcrowding, overuse of solitary confinement, and the long-term incarceration of nonviolent offenders, many critics of the nation’s prison system are calling for sweeping reforms. Here are some of the proposals to improve the prison system:

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Though life may seem like one big game, there will be swift and severe consequences to dumping out that barrel of monkeys.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A surge of adrenaline can give people superhuman strength in times of emergency, but you'll refuse to admit that's how you opened the mayonnaise jar.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    By the end of the week, you will be heartbroken, confused, and alone. In other words, prepare for a very uneventful few days.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    They say you drive all the women crazy, but then again, you're Menopause, a physical and psychological condition known for such symptoms as depression, hot flashes, and unpredictable mood swings.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Getting out of bed in the morning has never been easy for you, though to be fair, the leather straps do pose a new challenge.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll fail to pull off the perfect murder when police investigators grow suspicious of the revolver, handsaw, and shovel you try to serve them for dinner.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your skin will soon feel like it's crawling with insects, but fear not: Spiders are actually arachnids.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It doesn't matter who did what to whom, or who owes whom what, or even what was what, just as long as people start being specific for a fucking change.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    While giving blood is considered a selfless act, the manner and speed with which you'll do it will leave pedestrians shocked.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    They say you're immature, that you have a great deal of growing up left to do, but then, you're rubber and they're glue.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You've never been the type of person who deals well with criticism, the mere mention of which will incite you to hurl a chair across the room this week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will learn a very important lesson this week concerning the relative melting points of several different dental fillings.