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The TSA’s Plans For Improvement

The Transportation Security Administration has pledged to revamp its processes in response to recent record-setting airport lines and wait times. Here are some ways in which the TSA plans to improve

God Admits Stealing Idea For Messiah From Zoroastrianism

THE HEAVENS—Under pressure from scholars, who for centuries have pointed out strong similarities between certain aspects of the two religions, God finally admitted Tuesday that He had stolen the idea for the Messiah from Zoroastrianism and used it as a major feature of the Judeo-Christian tradition.

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Though life may seem like one big game, there will be swift and severe consequences to dumping out that barrel of monkeys.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A surge of adrenaline can give people superhuman strength in times of emergency, but you'll refuse to admit that's how you opened the mayonnaise jar.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    By the end of the week, you will be heartbroken, confused, and alone. In other words, prepare for a very uneventful few days.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    They say you drive all the women crazy, but then again, you're Menopause, a physical and psychological condition known for such symptoms as depression, hot flashes, and unpredictable mood swings.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Getting out of bed in the morning has never been easy for you, though to be fair, the leather straps do pose a new challenge.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll fail to pull off the perfect murder when police investigators grow suspicious of the revolver, handsaw, and shovel you try to serve them for dinner.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your skin will soon feel like it's crawling with insects, but fear not: Spiders are actually arachnids.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It doesn't matter who did what to whom, or who owes whom what, or even what was what, just as long as people start being specific for a fucking change.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    While giving blood is considered a selfless act, the manner and speed with which you'll do it will leave pedestrians shocked.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    They say you're immature, that you have a great deal of growing up left to do, but then, you're rubber and they're glue.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You've never been the type of person who deals well with criticism, the mere mention of which will incite you to hurl a chair across the room this week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will learn a very important lesson this week concerning the relative melting points of several different dental fillings.

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