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Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Just when things are beginning to look up, the three-ton wrecking ball will come swinging back in your direction.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    While your new skirt leaves little to the imagination, many will still try to picture it on a woman instead.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your finances and your health are equally important. Unfortunately, the sale of your last kidney will soon bring an end to both.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    They say dogs are man's best friend, but you'll realize yours has been letting you win at checkers this entire time.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A masterful game of cunning, subterfuge and daring will help you to secure the last remaining slice of pizza this Thursday.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    If you think he's angry about your tryst with his daughter, just wait until the farmer finds out what you did to his son.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your belief in an omnipotent being that lives above the clouds may sound ridiculous, but it's the fact that you think He's out to do good that's truly preposterous.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Thomas Edison described genius as one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration. Still, that's no reason to brag about what you do in the bathroom.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll save half-a-dozen orphans from a burning building this week, though to be fair, that's largely because you'll refuse to go back in for their parents.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Revolving restaurants can make for a nice and relaxing outing. Sadly, yours will spin along the other axis.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The most important thing is that you tried, or at least it will be during your attempted murder trial next week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Lately it seems like nobody respects your feelings, but why don't you just shut up for a second and let the stars worry about it.

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