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How To Reform The Nation’s Prison System

With pressing issues such as overcrowding, overuse of solitary confinement, and the long-term incarceration of nonviolent offenders, many critics of the nation’s prison system are calling for sweeping reforms. Here are some of the proposals to improve the prison system:

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Just when things are beginning to look up, the three-ton wrecking ball will come swinging back in your direction.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    While your new skirt leaves little to the imagination, many will still try to picture it on a woman instead.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your finances and your health are equally important. Unfortunately, the sale of your last kidney will soon bring an end to both.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    They say dogs are man's best friend, but you'll realize yours has been letting you win at checkers this entire time.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A masterful game of cunning, subterfuge and daring will help you to secure the last remaining slice of pizza this Thursday.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    If you think he's angry about your tryst with his daughter, just wait until the farmer finds out what you did to his son.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your belief in an omnipotent being that lives above the clouds may sound ridiculous, but it's the fact that you think He's out to do good that's truly preposterous.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Thomas Edison described genius as one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration. Still, that's no reason to brag about what you do in the bathroom.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll save half-a-dozen orphans from a burning building this week, though to be fair, that's largely because you'll refuse to go back in for their parents.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Revolving restaurants can make for a nice and relaxing outing. Sadly, yours will spin along the other axis.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The most important thing is that you tried, or at least it will be during your attempted murder trial next week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Lately it seems like nobody respects your feelings, but why don't you just shut up for a second and let the stars worry about it.