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Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Just when things are beginning to look up, the three-ton wrecking ball will come swinging back in your direction.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    While your new skirt leaves little to the imagination, many will still try to picture it on a woman instead.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your finances and your health are equally important. Unfortunately, the sale of your last kidney will soon bring an end to both.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    They say dogs are man's best friend, but you'll realize yours has been letting you win at checkers this entire time.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A masterful game of cunning, subterfuge and daring will help you to secure the last remaining slice of pizza this Thursday.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    If you think he's angry about your tryst with his daughter, just wait until the farmer finds out what you did to his son.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your belief in an omnipotent being that lives above the clouds may sound ridiculous, but it's the fact that you think He's out to do good that's truly preposterous.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Thomas Edison described genius as one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration. Still, that's no reason to brag about what you do in the bathroom.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll save half-a-dozen orphans from a burning building this week, though to be fair, that's largely because you'll refuse to go back in for their parents.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Revolving restaurants can make for a nice and relaxing outing. Sadly, yours will spin along the other axis.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The most important thing is that you tried, or at least it will be during your attempted murder trial next week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Lately it seems like nobody respects your feelings, but why don't you just shut up for a second and let the stars worry about it.

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