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Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Just when things are beginning to look up, the three-ton wrecking ball will come swinging back in your direction.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    While your new skirt leaves little to the imagination, many will still try to picture it on a woman instead.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your finances and your health are equally important. Unfortunately, the sale of your last kidney will soon bring an end to both.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    They say dogs are man's best friend, but you'll realize yours has been letting you win at checkers this entire time.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A masterful game of cunning, subterfuge and daring will help you to secure the last remaining slice of pizza this Thursday.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    If you think he's angry about your tryst with his daughter, just wait until the farmer finds out what you did to his son.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your belief in an omnipotent being that lives above the clouds may sound ridiculous, but it's the fact that you think He's out to do good that's truly preposterous.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Thomas Edison described genius as one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration. Still, that's no reason to brag about what you do in the bathroom.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll save half-a-dozen orphans from a burning building this week, though to be fair, that's largely because you'll refuse to go back in for their parents.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Revolving restaurants can make for a nice and relaxing outing. Sadly, yours will spin along the other axis.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The most important thing is that you tried, or at least it will be during your attempted murder trial next week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Lately it seems like nobody respects your feelings, but why don't you just shut up for a second and let the stars worry about it.