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Vol 44 Issue 07

Australia Apologizes To Aborigines

Australian prime minister Kevin Rudd delivered a speech in Parliament in which he apologized to the country’s indigenous people for past wrongs....
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    A bouncing baby boy will enter your life this week, before shooting across the floor, ricocheting off the kitchen counter, and flying straight out the window again.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Having your teeth fall out in a dream usually signifies pent up anxiety and frustration. Having them fall out while you're still awake, however, signifies something much, much worse.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Everyone laughed when you said the CIA was running mind-control experiments, but they won't be laughing this week when you're admitted to a local insane asylum.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You'll struggle to remember how you ever got around before owning a car, which is to be expected after suffering a head-on collision like that.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Turns out it's actually two men inside a large horse costume, and that your daughter will be scarred for the rest of her life.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Admitting failure has never been your strong suit. Thankfully, this week's stench will say more than mere words ever could.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Who is the real prisoner? The man locked behind bars, or the man who is free, but unable to control his own destiny? You'll soon have 20 years without parole to figure it out.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Self-improvement may be a noble goal, but the stars aren't so sure the leg rests, dual cup-holders, and wood paneling are what people had in mind.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You'll be swept away by a love that knows no name this week, or so you'll think until coming across the medical term "dendrophilia."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You're always worried about where your next meal will come from. Sadly, this has less to do with your financial situation and more to do with you being a gluttonous fuck.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Artists from around the world would love nothing more than to paint your portrait, but that's mostly because your face presents a number of unique aesthetic challenges.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    The good news is that the world is indeed your oyster. The bad news, however, is that you're allergic to shellfish.
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