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NASA Deploys Congressional Rover To Search For Funding

WASHINGTON—Calling the program “the most crucial in the agency’s history,” researchers at NASA announced Wednesday they have successfully deployed a Special Exploratory Rover to Congress as part of an open-ended mission to seek out any possible trace of funding on Capitol Hill.

What The Planet Will Look Like In 2100

As scientists try to project the effects of climate change into the future, many of these forecasts only go as far as 2100, a year beyond which the alterations to our environment become much harder to predict. Here is a breakdown of what we can expect our world to look like in 2100

Your Horoscopes – Week of May 1, 2012

ARIES: You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Man’s Body Running Out Of Ideas To Convince Him He Full

    BAYTOWN, TX—Having repeatedly ratcheted up the 34-year-old’s level of discomfort with no noticeable effect on his behavior, the body of local man Kent Dugan confirmed Wednesday that it was starting to run out of ideas to convince him that he was full.

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A bouncing baby boy will enter your life this week, before shooting across the floor, ricocheting off the kitchen counter, and flying straight out the window again.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Having your teeth fall out in a dream usually signifies pent up anxiety and frustration. Having them fall out while you're still awake, however, signifies something much, much worse.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Everyone laughed when you said the CIA was running mind-control experiments, but they won't be laughing this week when you're admitted to a local insane asylum.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll struggle to remember how you ever got around before owning a car, which is to be expected after suffering a head-on collision like that.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Turns out it's actually two men inside a large horse costume, and that your daughter will be scarred for the rest of her life.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Admitting failure has never been your strong suit. Thankfully, this week's stench will say more than mere words ever could.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Who is the real prisoner? The man locked behind bars, or the man who is free, but unable to control his own destiny? You'll soon have 20 years without parole to figure it out.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Self-improvement may be a noble goal, but the stars aren't so sure the leg rests, dual cup-holders, and wood paneling are what people had in mind.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll be swept away by a love that knows no name this week, or so you'll think until coming across the medical term "dendrophilia."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You're always worried about where your next meal will come from. Sadly, this has less to do with your financial situation and more to do with you being a gluttonous fuck.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Artists from around the world would love nothing more than to paint your portrait, but that's mostly because your face presents a number of unique aesthetic challenges.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The good news is that the world is indeed your oyster. The bad news, however, is that you're allergic to shellfish.