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Vol 44 Issue 08

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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    Accidents often lead to new and exciting discoveries. This week, get ready to discover how one moves around without the use of his legs.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Good looks and a charming personality can only get you so far in life, which is good news, considering you have neither.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Friction in the workplace continues this Thursday, making you wish someone would finally cut you loose from the belt sander.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    The giant pain in your ass is in fact not your mother, though the stars don't blame you for confusing her with colon cancer.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Disappointment will be yours this week when you realize that the caged bird isn't so much singing as pleading desperately for its life to end.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    People say you're a control freak, but if you had your way, they'd say it a little slower and maybe even a touch louder.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You'll soon absorb much of the wisdom the world has to offer, thanks to hundreds of encyclopedic volumes and four rather unsteady bookcases.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Depression will soon wash over you like a giant wave, signaling your first contact with fresh water in almost three weeks.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You've always believed your work ethic and determination were what set you apart from the pack, but, as it turns out, it's that everyone else is a wolf.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    After months of backbreaking effort, you'll finally finish your first novel. Now, imagine how difficult it'd be to actually write one.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Remember: Two white stripes means it's a skunk. Twelve white stripes means it's called for help.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Most relationships fail due to a lack of communication, which is surprising, as that's the only thing keeping yours together.
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