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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.

Driving Vs. Public Transportation

Weighing factors such as convenience, time commitment, and environmental impact, deciding whether to commute via car or public transit can be difficult. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two options
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Accidents often lead to new and exciting discoveries. This week, get ready to discover how one moves around without the use of his legs.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Good looks and a charming personality can only get you so far in life, which is good news, considering you have neither.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Friction in the workplace continues this Thursday, making you wish someone would finally cut you loose from the belt sander.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The giant pain in your ass is in fact not your mother, though the stars don't blame you for confusing her with colon cancer.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Disappointment will be yours this week when you realize that the caged bird isn't so much singing as pleading desperately for its life to end.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    People say you're a control freak, but if you had your way, they'd say it a little slower and maybe even a touch louder.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll soon absorb much of the wisdom the world has to offer, thanks to hundreds of encyclopedic volumes and four rather unsteady bookcases.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Depression will soon wash over you like a giant wave, signaling your first contact with fresh water in almost three weeks.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You've always believed your work ethic and determination were what set you apart from the pack, but, as it turns out, it's that everyone else is a wolf.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    After months of backbreaking effort, you'll finally finish your first novel. Now, imagine how difficult it'd be to actually write one.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Remember: Two white stripes means it's a skunk. Twelve white stripes means it's called for help.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Most relationships fail due to a lack of communication, which is surprising, as that's the only thing keeping yours together.

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