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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    They say having a child changes everything, but you and your drinking problem are about to prove them wrong.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The answer to life's greatest mystery will be revealed this week, making you wish someone had told you what the question was.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It's not putting women on a pedestal that's the problem, it's the fact that you keep them chained there, for your pleasure, and against their will.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A fork in the road will present you with two possible paths in life, though to be fair, only one will be accessible by wheelchair.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You said you wouldn't let the money change you, that you'd always remain the same, but look at you now, Mr. $17.50.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Embarrassment will be yours this week when all of your most awkward and shameful moments are released straight to DVD.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Sure, the whole thing was a huge mistake, but how were you supposed to know about the dangers of visiting Constant Shark Attack Beach?
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    While being replaced by a machine is never easy, losing your job to a common office stapler will prove especially difficult to take.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You've often wondered what it'd be like to stare straight into the eye of a hurricane. Still, never did you imagine the sexual tension would be so great.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Paramedics will rush you to the hospital this Thursday, though it's mostly to make the other emergency room patients feel better about themselves.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Advances in science will soon allow human beings to travel to the farthest reaches of outer space, leaving you with absolutely no hope of tracking down your ex-girlfriend.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The vast tomes of history will soon bear your name, which would be flattering, if it didn't come up every time the black plague was mentioned.

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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