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Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    They say having a child changes everything, but you and your drinking problem are about to prove them wrong.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The answer to life's greatest mystery will be revealed this week, making you wish someone had told you what the question was.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It's not putting women on a pedestal that's the problem, it's the fact that you keep them chained there, for your pleasure, and against their will.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A fork in the road will present you with two possible paths in life, though to be fair, only one will be accessible by wheelchair.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You said you wouldn't let the money change you, that you'd always remain the same, but look at you now, Mr. $17.50.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Embarrassment will be yours this week when all of your most awkward and shameful moments are released straight to DVD.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Sure, the whole thing was a huge mistake, but how were you supposed to know about the dangers of visiting Constant Shark Attack Beach?
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    While being replaced by a machine is never easy, losing your job to a common office stapler will prove especially difficult to take.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You've often wondered what it'd be like to stare straight into the eye of a hurricane. Still, never did you imagine the sexual tension would be so great.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Paramedics will rush you to the hospital this Thursday, though it's mostly to make the other emergency room patients feel better about themselves.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Advances in science will soon allow human beings to travel to the farthest reaches of outer space, leaving you with absolutely no hope of tracking down your ex-girlfriend.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The vast tomes of history will soon bear your name, which would be flattering, if it didn't come up every time the black plague was mentioned.


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