Aries | March 21 to April 19
They say having a child changes everything, but you and your drinking problem are about to prove them wrong.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The answer to life's greatest mystery will be revealed this week, making you wish someone had told you what the question was.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
It's not putting women on a pedestal that's the problem, it's the fact that you keep them chained there, for your pleasure, and against their will.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
A fork in the road will present you with two possible paths in life, though to be fair, only one will be accessible by wheelchair.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You said you wouldn't let the money change you, that you'd always remain the same, but look at you now, Mr. $17.50.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Embarrassment will be yours this week when all of your most awkward and shameful moments are released straight to DVD.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Sure, the whole thing was a huge mistake, but how were you supposed to know about the dangers of visiting Constant Shark Attack Beach?
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
While being replaced by a machine is never easy, losing your job to a common office stapler will prove especially difficult to take.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You've often wondered what it'd be like to stare straight into the eye of a hurricane. Still, never did you imagine the sexual tension would be so great.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Paramedics will rush you to the hospital this Thursday, though it's mostly to make the other emergency room patients feel better about themselves.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Advances in science will soon allow human beings to travel to the farthest reaches of outer space, leaving you with absolutely no hope of tracking down your ex-girlfriend.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The vast tomes of history will soon bear your name, which would be flattering, if it didn't come up every time the black plague was mentioned.
WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION