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Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Protection

  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    They say having a child changes everything, but you and your drinking problem are about to prove them wrong.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The answer to life's greatest mystery will be revealed this week, making you wish someone had told you what the question was.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It's not putting women on a pedestal that's the problem, it's the fact that you keep them chained there, for your pleasure, and against their will.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A fork in the road will present you with two possible paths in life, though to be fair, only one will be accessible by wheelchair.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You said you wouldn't let the money change you, that you'd always remain the same, but look at you now, Mr. $17.50.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Embarrassment will be yours this week when all of your most awkward and shameful moments are released straight to DVD.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Sure, the whole thing was a huge mistake, but how were you supposed to know about the dangers of visiting Constant Shark Attack Beach?
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    While being replaced by a machine is never easy, losing your job to a common office stapler will prove especially difficult to take.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You've often wondered what it'd be like to stare straight into the eye of a hurricane. Still, never did you imagine the sexual tension would be so great.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Paramedics will rush you to the hospital this Thursday, though it's mostly to make the other emergency room patients feel better about themselves.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Advances in science will soon allow human beings to travel to the farthest reaches of outer space, leaving you with absolutely no hope of tracking down your ex-girlfriend.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The vast tomes of history will soon bear your name, which would be flattering, if it didn't come up every time the black plague was mentioned.