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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    They say having a child changes everything, but you and your drinking problem are about to prove them wrong.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The answer to life's greatest mystery will be revealed this week, making you wish someone had told you what the question was.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It's not putting women on a pedestal that's the problem, it's the fact that you keep them chained there, for your pleasure, and against their will.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A fork in the road will present you with two possible paths in life, though to be fair, only one will be accessible by wheelchair.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You said you wouldn't let the money change you, that you'd always remain the same, but look at you now, Mr. $17.50.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Embarrassment will be yours this week when all of your most awkward and shameful moments are released straight to DVD.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Sure, the whole thing was a huge mistake, but how were you supposed to know about the dangers of visiting Constant Shark Attack Beach?
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    While being replaced by a machine is never easy, losing your job to a common office stapler will prove especially difficult to take.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You've often wondered what it'd be like to stare straight into the eye of a hurricane. Still, never did you imagine the sexual tension would be so great.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Paramedics will rush you to the hospital this Thursday, though it's mostly to make the other emergency room patients feel better about themselves.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Advances in science will soon allow human beings to travel to the farthest reaches of outer space, leaving you with absolutely no hope of tracking down your ex-girlfriend.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The vast tomes of history will soon bear your name, which would be flattering, if it didn't come up every time the black plague was mentioned.

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