Your Horoscope

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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    They say having a child changes everything, but you and your drinking problem are about to prove them wrong.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    The answer to life's greatest mystery will be revealed this week, making you wish someone had told you what the question was.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    It's not putting women on a pedestal that's the problem, it's the fact that you keep them chained there, for your pleasure, and against their will.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    A fork in the road will present you with two possible paths in life, though to be fair, only one will be accessible by wheelchair.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You said you wouldn't let the money change you, that you'd always remain the same, but look at you now, Mr. $17.50.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Embarrassment will be yours this week when all of your most awkward and shameful moments are released straight to DVD.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Sure, the whole thing was a huge mistake, but how were you supposed to know about the dangers of visiting Constant Shark Attack Beach?
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    While being replaced by a machine is never easy, losing your job to a common office stapler will prove especially difficult to take.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You've often wondered what it'd be like to stare straight into the eye of a hurricane. Still, never did you imagine the sexual tension would be so great.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Paramedics will rush you to the hospital this Thursday, though it's mostly to make the other emergency room patients feel better about themselves.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Advances in science will soon allow human beings to travel to the farthest reaches of outer space, leaving you with absolutely no hope of tracking down your ex-girlfriend.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    The vast tomes of history will soon bear your name, which would be flattering, if it didn't come up every time the black plague was mentioned.
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