Aries | March 21 to April 19
Doctors will diagnose you with a new strain of tuberculosis this week, or "Poor Unsuspecting Bastard's Disease" as it'll come to be known.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The stars warn of physical danger for Taurus in the coming days, which considering the shape you’re in, probably means bending over to pick up a sock.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You’ve never been a very detail-oriented person. Still, you’re pretty sure those antlers weren’t there last week.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
While the bible in your breast pocket will stop the first bullet, the Penthouse in front of your face will let the next dozen or so straight through.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Your method of smuggling drugs across the border might seem more risqué were the drugs not perfectly legal, available over the counter, and produced in suppository form.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Ants are known for being hard-working and diligent, but you'll still be surprised when 5,000 of them drag you out of bed on a Sunday.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Disaster will strike when you least expect it this week. Unfortunately, it’ll also strike when you most expect it this week.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Cries of pleasure and ecstasy will fill your bedroom this Thursday, forcing you to bang on your ceiling with the end of a broomstick.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
They say you’re only as old as you feel, which helps explain why you passed away four years ago.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You'll finally enter the record books this Thursday, though unfortunately for you, they're the ones used to keep track of inventory costs and showroom sales.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Your indecisive nature is both a blessing and a curse, or at least that's the only conclusion you've so far been able to reach.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Yes, you'll get the girl in the end, but by that time, she'll be twice divorced, have lost much of her figure, and be buried at a nearby cemetery.
WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION