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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    Doctors will diagnose you with a new strain of tuberculosis this week, or "Poor Unsuspecting Bastard's Disease" as it'll come to be known.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    The stars warn of physical danger for Taurus in the coming days, which considering the shape you’re in, probably means bending over to pick up a sock.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You’ve never been a very detail-oriented person. Still, you’re pretty sure those antlers weren’t there last week.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    While the bible in your breast pocket will stop the first bullet, the Penthouse in front of your face will let the next dozen or so straight through.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Your method of smuggling drugs across the border might seem more risqué were the drugs not perfectly legal, available over the counter, and produced in suppository form.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Ants are known for being hard-working and diligent, but you'll still be surprised when 5,000 of them drag you out of bed on a Sunday.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Disaster will strike when you least expect it this week. Unfortunately, it’ll also strike when you most expect it this week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Cries of pleasure and ecstasy will fill your bedroom this Thursday, forcing you to bang on your ceiling with the end of a broomstick.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    They say you’re only as old as you feel, which helps explain why you passed away four years ago.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You'll finally enter the record books this Thursday, though unfortunately for you, they're the ones used to keep track of inventory costs and showroom sales.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Your indecisive nature is both a blessing and a curse, or at least that's the only conclusion you've so far been able to reach.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Yes, you'll get the girl in the end, but by that time, she'll be twice divorced, have lost much of her figure, and be buried at a nearby cemetery.
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