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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Doctors will diagnose you with a new strain of tuberculosis this week, or "Poor Unsuspecting Bastard's Disease" as it'll come to be known.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars warn of physical danger for Taurus in the coming days, which considering the shape you’re in, probably means bending over to pick up a sock.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You’ve never been a very detail-oriented person. Still, you’re pretty sure those antlers weren’t there last week.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    While the bible in your breast pocket will stop the first bullet, the Penthouse in front of your face will let the next dozen or so straight through.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your method of smuggling drugs across the border might seem more risqué were the drugs not perfectly legal, available over the counter, and produced in suppository form.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Ants are known for being hard-working and diligent, but you'll still be surprised when 5,000 of them drag you out of bed on a Sunday.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Disaster will strike when you least expect it this week. Unfortunately, it’ll also strike when you most expect it this week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Cries of pleasure and ecstasy will fill your bedroom this Thursday, forcing you to bang on your ceiling with the end of a broomstick.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    They say you’re only as old as you feel, which helps explain why you passed away four years ago.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll finally enter the record books this Thursday, though unfortunately for you, they're the ones used to keep track of inventory costs and showroom sales.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your indecisive nature is both a blessing and a curse, or at least that's the only conclusion you've so far been able to reach.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Yes, you'll get the girl in the end, but by that time, she'll be twice divorced, have lost much of her figure, and be buried at a nearby cemetery.

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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