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Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

How To Report A Crime

Whether you are a bystander, witness, or the direct victim of a crime, it’s important to know how to alert the authorities. The Onion provides a step-by-step guide for reporting a crime
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Doctors will diagnose you with a new strain of tuberculosis this week, or "Poor Unsuspecting Bastard's Disease" as it'll come to be known.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars warn of physical danger for Taurus in the coming days, which considering the shape you’re in, probably means bending over to pick up a sock.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You’ve never been a very detail-oriented person. Still, you’re pretty sure those antlers weren’t there last week.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    While the bible in your breast pocket will stop the first bullet, the Penthouse in front of your face will let the next dozen or so straight through.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your method of smuggling drugs across the border might seem more risqué were the drugs not perfectly legal, available over the counter, and produced in suppository form.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Ants are known for being hard-working and diligent, but you'll still be surprised when 5,000 of them drag you out of bed on a Sunday.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Disaster will strike when you least expect it this week. Unfortunately, it’ll also strike when you most expect it this week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Cries of pleasure and ecstasy will fill your bedroom this Thursday, forcing you to bang on your ceiling with the end of a broomstick.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    They say you’re only as old as you feel, which helps explain why you passed away four years ago.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll finally enter the record books this Thursday, though unfortunately for you, they're the ones used to keep track of inventory costs and showroom sales.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your indecisive nature is both a blessing and a curse, or at least that's the only conclusion you've so far been able to reach.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Yes, you'll get the girl in the end, but by that time, she'll be twice divorced, have lost much of her figure, and be buried at a nearby cemetery.


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