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Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Life will become needlessly complicated this Thursday when you purchase half as many apples as Cindy, but twice as many oranges as Charles and Cory combined.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The universe has a funny way of balancing things out. Prepare to lose your other eye by the end of the month.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    While you're relieved to hear that the test results were negative, the mile-wide skywriting does seem a little excessive.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    No amount of crying will bring your mother back, which is embarrassing, as she's still alive and you're now a sophomore in college.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will inspire a new Zen riddle this week when a tree falls on top of you in the woods and there's no one around to hear all the screaming.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Animal rights activists will accuse you of cruel and inhumane conduct, even though the chicken is already dead, and that's just the way you eat wings.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    There comes a time in every man's life when he's forced to admit that he has failed. For you that time is known as "Tuesdays."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    While you've always worried about the voices inside your head, it's listening to those outside of it that will get you in trouble this week.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Steve Jobs will have limited interest in your prototype of a new iPod that holds up to four songs, yet fits comfortably inside an ordinary dump truck.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You've always believed that what two consenting adults do behind closed doors is none of your business, but that was before they locked themselves inside your bathroom.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Childbirth is both an incredible and beautiful experience. Keep telling yourself that for the next 17 hours or so.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will feel truly and wonderfully alive this Wednesday, which is ironic considering what will happen to you this Thursday.


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