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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Life will become needlessly complicated this Thursday when you purchase half as many apples as Cindy, but twice as many oranges as Charles and Cory combined.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The universe has a funny way of balancing things out. Prepare to lose your other eye by the end of the month.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    While you're relieved to hear that the test results were negative, the mile-wide skywriting does seem a little excessive.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    No amount of crying will bring your mother back, which is embarrassing, as she's still alive and you're now a sophomore in college.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will inspire a new Zen riddle this week when a tree falls on top of you in the woods and there's no one around to hear all the screaming.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Animal rights activists will accuse you of cruel and inhumane conduct, even though the chicken is already dead, and that's just the way you eat wings.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    There comes a time in every man's life when he's forced to admit that he has failed. For you that time is known as "Tuesdays."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    While you've always worried about the voices inside your head, it's listening to those outside of it that will get you in trouble this week.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Steve Jobs will have limited interest in your prototype of a new iPod that holds up to four songs, yet fits comfortably inside an ordinary dump truck.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You've always believed that what two consenting adults do behind closed doors is none of your business, but that was before they locked themselves inside your bathroom.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Childbirth is both an incredible and beautiful experience. Keep telling yourself that for the next 17 hours or so.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will feel truly and wonderfully alive this Wednesday, which is ironic considering what will happen to you this Thursday.

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