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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Life will become needlessly complicated this Thursday when you purchase half as many apples as Cindy, but twice as many oranges as Charles and Cory combined.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The universe has a funny way of balancing things out. Prepare to lose your other eye by the end of the month.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    While you're relieved to hear that the test results were negative, the mile-wide skywriting does seem a little excessive.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    No amount of crying will bring your mother back, which is embarrassing, as she's still alive and you're now a sophomore in college.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will inspire a new Zen riddle this week when a tree falls on top of you in the woods and there's no one around to hear all the screaming.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Animal rights activists will accuse you of cruel and inhumane conduct, even though the chicken is already dead, and that's just the way you eat wings.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    There comes a time in every man's life when he's forced to admit that he has failed. For you that time is known as "Tuesdays."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    While you've always worried about the voices inside your head, it's listening to those outside of it that will get you in trouble this week.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Steve Jobs will have limited interest in your prototype of a new iPod that holds up to four songs, yet fits comfortably inside an ordinary dump truck.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You've always believed that what two consenting adults do behind closed doors is none of your business, but that was before they locked themselves inside your bathroom.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Childbirth is both an incredible and beautiful experience. Keep telling yourself that for the next 17 hours or so.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will feel truly and wonderfully alive this Wednesday, which is ironic considering what will happen to you this Thursday.

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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