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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Life will become needlessly complicated this Thursday when you purchase half as many apples as Cindy, but twice as many oranges as Charles and Cory combined.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The universe has a funny way of balancing things out. Prepare to lose your other eye by the end of the month.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    While you're relieved to hear that the test results were negative, the mile-wide skywriting does seem a little excessive.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    No amount of crying will bring your mother back, which is embarrassing, as she's still alive and you're now a sophomore in college.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will inspire a new Zen riddle this week when a tree falls on top of you in the woods and there's no one around to hear all the screaming.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Animal rights activists will accuse you of cruel and inhumane conduct, even though the chicken is already dead, and that's just the way you eat wings.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    There comes a time in every man's life when he's forced to admit that he has failed. For you that time is known as "Tuesdays."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    While you've always worried about the voices inside your head, it's listening to those outside of it that will get you in trouble this week.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Steve Jobs will have limited interest in your prototype of a new iPod that holds up to four songs, yet fits comfortably inside an ordinary dump truck.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You've always believed that what two consenting adults do behind closed doors is none of your business, but that was before they locked themselves inside your bathroom.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Childbirth is both an incredible and beautiful experience. Keep telling yourself that for the next 17 hours or so.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will feel truly and wonderfully alive this Wednesday, which is ironic considering what will happen to you this Thursday.

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