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Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars were going to warn you about next Friday, but they've decided it would be funnier if you found out about the goats yourself.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll finally lose your virginity this week, though unfortunately for you, it will be to an active volcano.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    They say no news is good news, but you're beginning to suspect there's a reason why those doctors keep avoiding your calls.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Embarrassment will be yours this week when you're caught peeking over someone's shoulder during an important test. The fact that it's a urine test also won't help.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your interest in temporal paradoxes ends almost before it begins this week, which considering the subject matter, is strangely fitting.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Exposure to bursts of gamma radiation will soon leave you with the tumor-growing ability of 10 regular men.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You've always believed yourself to be filled with self-hatred, but as it turns out you're actually filled with half self-hatred, half triple-fudge ice cream.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    While you admit you've made some mistakes in the past, the clockwork regularity and strangely detached manner in which you do so is really starting to freak people out.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your health will continue to decline this week due to your tendency to catch every little sniffle, cough, and axe that comes your way.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Due to a series of budgetary cutbacks, your horoscope will be the same as Virgo's until further notice.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Remember: A man is often known by the company he keeps. Take immediate action to shut down Wanton Bigotry, Inc.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your grisly death beneath a pile of cinnamon rolls this week will prove true one of Nostradamus' least likely prophecies.


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