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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars were going to warn you about next Friday, but they've decided it would be funnier if you found out about the goats yourself.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll finally lose your virginity this week, though unfortunately for you, it will be to an active volcano.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    They say no news is good news, but you're beginning to suspect there's a reason why those doctors keep avoiding your calls.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Embarrassment will be yours this week when you're caught peeking over someone's shoulder during an important test. The fact that it's a urine test also won't help.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your interest in temporal paradoxes ends almost before it begins this week, which considering the subject matter, is strangely fitting.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Exposure to bursts of gamma radiation will soon leave you with the tumor-growing ability of 10 regular men.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You've always believed yourself to be filled with self-hatred, but as it turns out you're actually filled with half self-hatred, half triple-fudge ice cream.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    While you admit you've made some mistakes in the past, the clockwork regularity and strangely detached manner in which you do so is really starting to freak people out.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your health will continue to decline this week due to your tendency to catch every little sniffle, cough, and axe that comes your way.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Due to a series of budgetary cutbacks, your horoscope will be the same as Virgo's until further notice.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Remember: A man is often known by the company he keeps. Take immediate action to shut down Wanton Bigotry, Inc.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your grisly death beneath a pile of cinnamon rolls this week will prove true one of Nostradamus' least likely prophecies.
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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

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