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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Surprises

  • Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

    DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars were going to warn you about next Friday, but they've decided it would be funnier if you found out about the goats yourself.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll finally lose your virginity this week, though unfortunately for you, it will be to an active volcano.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    They say no news is good news, but you're beginning to suspect there's a reason why those doctors keep avoiding your calls.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Embarrassment will be yours this week when you're caught peeking over someone's shoulder during an important test. The fact that it's a urine test also won't help.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your interest in temporal paradoxes ends almost before it begins this week, which considering the subject matter, is strangely fitting.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Exposure to bursts of gamma radiation will soon leave you with the tumor-growing ability of 10 regular men.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You've always believed yourself to be filled with self-hatred, but as it turns out you're actually filled with half self-hatred, half triple-fudge ice cream.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    While you admit you've made some mistakes in the past, the clockwork regularity and strangely detached manner in which you do so is really starting to freak people out.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your health will continue to decline this week due to your tendency to catch every little sniffle, cough, and axe that comes your way.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Due to a series of budgetary cutbacks, your horoscope will be the same as Virgo's until further notice.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Remember: A man is often known by the company he keeps. Take immediate action to shut down Wanton Bigotry, Inc.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your grisly death beneath a pile of cinnamon rolls this week will prove true one of Nostradamus' least likely prophecies.

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