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How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will awake to find a newborn infant on your doorstep, which isn't surprising, as that's where you left him the night before.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars indicate this is a good week to get your life in order, making you glad you don't believe in all that astrology crap.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your first time will feel like fireworks. Unfortunately for you, they're the kind that accidentally set off in your hands and leave you disfigured for decades to come.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    While no man controls his own destiny, a little self-restraint might keep you from ending up inside that bakery three nights a week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your tendency to gamble will result in you losing your house, your car, and your family. Although it's infidelity and not betting that will be to blame.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    People claim that age is nothing more than a state of mind, making this week's stroke revealing on a couple of different levels.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You may be invisible to those around you, but remember: It's not the type of invisible that lets you have sex with unsuspecting and bewildered women.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Strong eye contact and a firm handshake will help you to make significant strides in the world of being a humongous prick this week.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A wise man once said that the only thing that fails to change is the fact that nothing ever stays the same. However, this was before he realized how stupid it sounded.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Avoid making any important decisions this week. And, come to think of it, next week as well. In fact, assume this to always be the case unless the stars tell you otherwise.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    They say you have a face for radio, but what they don't mention is that your massive harelip would probably keep you off most professional stations.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Women often claim that a sense of humor is the most important trait in a prospective partner. Sadly, yours is not good enough to realize that they're only joking.

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