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What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will awake to find a newborn infant on your doorstep, which isn't surprising, as that's where you left him the night before.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars indicate this is a good week to get your life in order, making you glad you don't believe in all that astrology crap.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your first time will feel like fireworks. Unfortunately for you, they're the kind that accidentally set off in your hands and leave you disfigured for decades to come.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    While no man controls his own destiny, a little self-restraint might keep you from ending up inside that bakery three nights a week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your tendency to gamble will result in you losing your house, your car, and your family. Although it's infidelity and not betting that will be to blame.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    People claim that age is nothing more than a state of mind, making this week's stroke revealing on a couple of different levels.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You may be invisible to those around you, but remember: It's not the type of invisible that lets you have sex with unsuspecting and bewildered women.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Strong eye contact and a firm handshake will help you to make significant strides in the world of being a humongous prick this week.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A wise man once said that the only thing that fails to change is the fact that nothing ever stays the same. However, this was before he realized how stupid it sounded.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Avoid making any important decisions this week. And, come to think of it, next week as well. In fact, assume this to always be the case unless the stars tell you otherwise.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    They say you have a face for radio, but what they don't mention is that your massive harelip would probably keep you off most professional stations.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Women often claim that a sense of humor is the most important trait in a prospective partner. Sadly, yours is not good enough to realize that they're only joking.

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