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Vol 44 Issue 14

Bernanke Says Recession Possible

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke said that the United States would face stagnation, and possibly recession, in the first half of 2008. What do...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    You will awake to find a newborn infant on your doorstep, which isn't surprising, as that's where you left him the night before.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    The stars indicate this is a good week to get your life in order, making you glad you don't believe in all that astrology crap.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Your first time will feel like fireworks. Unfortunately for you, they're the kind that accidentally set off in your hands and leave you disfigured for decades to come.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    While no man controls his own destiny, a little self-restraint might keep you from ending up inside that bakery three nights a week.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Your tendency to gamble will result in you losing your house, your car, and your family. Although it's infidelity and not betting that will be to blame.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    People claim that age is nothing more than a state of mind, making this week's stroke revealing on a couple of different levels.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You may be invisible to those around you, but remember: It's not the type of invisible that lets you have sex with unsuspecting and bewildered women.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Strong eye contact and a firm handshake will help you to make significant strides in the world of being a humongous prick this week.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    A wise man once said that the only thing that fails to change is the fact that nothing ever stays the same. However, this was before he realized how stupid it sounded.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Avoid making any important decisions this week. And, come to think of it, next week as well. In fact, assume this to always be the case unless the stars tell you otherwise.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    They say you have a face for radio, but what they don't mention is that your massive harelip would probably keep you off most professional stations.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Women often claim that a sense of humor is the most important trait in a prospective partner. Sadly, yours is not good enough to realize that they're only joking.
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