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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    It's great that you've been treating your body like a temple, but maybe you should try switching to a faith that doesn't worship mayonnaise quite so much.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The brown-throated sloth often emits a loud, shrill screech during mating season, which explains why so many of them will gather at your recital next week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your new scientific invention won't save any lives, but then that's not why you built the Cancer-Filled-Syringe in the first place.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    While you believe it to be the gentlemanly thing to do, opening trap doors for women actually makes you a giant asshole.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars foresee church bells in your future, though they'll have less to do with an upcoming wedding, and more to do with you being a hunchbacked monster.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You've never been very good with technology, making this week's unstoppable killing machine especially difficult for you to handle.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The strange men in lab coats will continue to refuse your desperate and agonizing pleas for water this week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Creative fulfillment will finally be yours this Thursday when the ping-pong ball bounces off the wall, ricochets over the pool table, and lands squarely inside that red plastic cup.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will soon take a number of mysterious secrets to your grave, the largest of which will be how family members will afford to pay for your funeral.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It might not be today, and it might not be tomorrow, but you'll soon come to regret staging a pie-eating contest to choose a new nanny.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will scream the name of a loved one from the rooftops this week. Unfortunately for you, she'll still refuse to let you back into the apartment.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Every time one door closes another door always opens. However, note that the stars said "door" and not "padlocked iron gate."

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