Your Horoscope

In This Section

Vol 44 Issue 15

End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Spring

Partying

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    It's great that you've been treating your body like a temple, but maybe you should try switching to a faith that doesn't worship mayonnaise quite so much.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    The brown-throated sloth often emits a loud, shrill screech during mating season, which explains why so many of them will gather at your recital next week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Your new scientific invention won't save any lives, but then that's not why you built the Cancer-Filled-Syringe in the first place.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    While you believe it to be the gentlemanly thing to do, opening trap doors for women actually makes you a giant asshole.
  • Leo

    Leo

    The stars foresee church bells in your future, though they'll have less to do with an upcoming wedding, and more to do with you being a hunchbacked monster.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You've never been very good with technology, making this week's unstoppable killing machine especially difficult for you to handle.
  • Libra

    Libra

    The strange men in lab coats will continue to refuse your desperate and agonizing pleas for water this week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Creative fulfillment will finally be yours this Thursday when the ping-pong ball bounces off the wall, ricochets over the pool table, and lands squarely inside that red plastic cup.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You will soon take a number of mysterious secrets to your grave, the largest of which will be how family members will afford to pay for your funeral.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    It might not be today, and it might not be tomorrow, but you'll soon come to regret staging a pie-eating contest to choose a new nanny.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You will scream the name of a loved one from the rooftops this week. Unfortunately for you, she'll still refuse to let you back into the apartment.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Every time one door closes another door always opens. However, note that the stars said "door" and not "padlocked iron gate."
Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More