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How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    It's great that you've been treating your body like a temple, but maybe you should try switching to a faith that doesn't worship mayonnaise quite so much.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The brown-throated sloth often emits a loud, shrill screech during mating season, which explains why so many of them will gather at your recital next week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your new scientific invention won't save any lives, but then that's not why you built the Cancer-Filled-Syringe in the first place.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    While you believe it to be the gentlemanly thing to do, opening trap doors for women actually makes you a giant asshole.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars foresee church bells in your future, though they'll have less to do with an upcoming wedding, and more to do with you being a hunchbacked monster.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You've never been very good with technology, making this week's unstoppable killing machine especially difficult for you to handle.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The strange men in lab coats will continue to refuse your desperate and agonizing pleas for water this week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Creative fulfillment will finally be yours this Thursday when the ping-pong ball bounces off the wall, ricochets over the pool table, and lands squarely inside that red plastic cup.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will soon take a number of mysterious secrets to your grave, the largest of which will be how family members will afford to pay for your funeral.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It might not be today, and it might not be tomorrow, but you'll soon come to regret staging a pie-eating contest to choose a new nanny.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will scream the name of a loved one from the rooftops this week. Unfortunately for you, she'll still refuse to let you back into the apartment.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Every time one door closes another door always opens. However, note that the stars said "door" and not "padlocked iron gate."

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