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How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    It's great that you've been treating your body like a temple, but maybe you should try switching to a faith that doesn't worship mayonnaise quite so much.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The brown-throated sloth often emits a loud, shrill screech during mating season, which explains why so many of them will gather at your recital next week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your new scientific invention won't save any lives, but then that's not why you built the Cancer-Filled-Syringe in the first place.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    While you believe it to be the gentlemanly thing to do, opening trap doors for women actually makes you a giant asshole.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars foresee church bells in your future, though they'll have less to do with an upcoming wedding, and more to do with you being a hunchbacked monster.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You've never been very good with technology, making this week's unstoppable killing machine especially difficult for you to handle.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The strange men in lab coats will continue to refuse your desperate and agonizing pleas for water this week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Creative fulfillment will finally be yours this Thursday when the ping-pong ball bounces off the wall, ricochets over the pool table, and lands squarely inside that red plastic cup.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will soon take a number of mysterious secrets to your grave, the largest of which will be how family members will afford to pay for your funeral.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It might not be today, and it might not be tomorrow, but you'll soon come to regret staging a pie-eating contest to choose a new nanny.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will scream the name of a loved one from the rooftops this week. Unfortunately for you, she'll still refuse to let you back into the apartment.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Every time one door closes another door always opens. However, note that the stars said "door" and not "padlocked iron gate."

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