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Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You never thought you had a sensitive side, but the fist-sized boils down the right half of your body will soon change your mind.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    No one will want to talk about the 800-pound elephant in the room. Still, whoever has been feeding him cheap take-out seriously needs to stop.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Finding just the right words to express your feelings is often difficult, which is why you'll ultimately settle on a series of obscene hand gestures.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It's not so much your drinking that will drive loved ones away, but your tendency to operate chainsaws, nail-guns and other industrial power tools while intoxicated.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It's true that God created you in His likeness. Unfortunately for you, God was feeling particularly shitty about Himself that day.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You've always been afraid of having children, but worry not: That thing inside your uterus will bear little resemblance to an actual infant.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The human body is made up of 70 percent water, which helps to explain the sound you'll make after hitting the pavement this week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    By the time rescue workers reach you this week, not only will you have eaten all of your fellow passengers, but moved on to some of the food they had brought along as well.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll finally get the mounted deer head you've always wanted, though watching the poor creature try to pull itself free from your wall will take some getting used to.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A passing stranger will steal your heart this week, and after a few too many drinks have been consumed, your kidney as well.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    There are some things in life science can't explain, but sadly, why your wife left you and your children refuse to call isn't one of them.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars indicate this is a good week to try new and exciting experiences. See what happens when you consume a second, larger meatball sandwich.

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