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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You never thought you had a sensitive side, but the fist-sized boils down the right half of your body will soon change your mind.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    No one will want to talk about the 800-pound elephant in the room. Still, whoever has been feeding him cheap take-out seriously needs to stop.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Finding just the right words to express your feelings is often difficult, which is why you'll ultimately settle on a series of obscene hand gestures.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It's not so much your drinking that will drive loved ones away, but your tendency to operate chainsaws, nail-guns and other industrial power tools while intoxicated.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It's true that God created you in His likeness. Unfortunately for you, God was feeling particularly shitty about Himself that day.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You've always been afraid of having children, but worry not: That thing inside your uterus will bear little resemblance to an actual infant.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The human body is made up of 70 percent water, which helps to explain the sound you'll make after hitting the pavement this week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    By the time rescue workers reach you this week, not only will you have eaten all of your fellow passengers, but moved on to some of the food they had brought along as well.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll finally get the mounted deer head you've always wanted, though watching the poor creature try to pull itself free from your wall will take some getting used to.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A passing stranger will steal your heart this week, and after a few too many drinks have been consumed, your kidney as well.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    There are some things in life science can't explain, but sadly, why your wife left you and your children refuse to call isn't one of them.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars indicate this is a good week to try new and exciting experiences. See what happens when you consume a second, larger meatball sandwich.
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