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How To Reform The Nation’s Prison System

With pressing issues such as overcrowding, overuse of solitary confinement, and the long-term incarceration of nonviolent offenders, many critics of the nation’s prison system are calling for sweeping reforms. Here are some of the proposals to improve the prison system:

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You never thought you had a sensitive side, but the fist-sized boils down the right half of your body will soon change your mind.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    No one will want to talk about the 800-pound elephant in the room. Still, whoever has been feeding him cheap take-out seriously needs to stop.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Finding just the right words to express your feelings is often difficult, which is why you'll ultimately settle on a series of obscene hand gestures.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It's not so much your drinking that will drive loved ones away, but your tendency to operate chainsaws, nail-guns and other industrial power tools while intoxicated.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It's true that God created you in His likeness. Unfortunately for you, God was feeling particularly shitty about Himself that day.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You've always been afraid of having children, but worry not: That thing inside your uterus will bear little resemblance to an actual infant.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The human body is made up of 70 percent water, which helps to explain the sound you'll make after hitting the pavement this week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    By the time rescue workers reach you this week, not only will you have eaten all of your fellow passengers, but moved on to some of the food they had brought along as well.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll finally get the mounted deer head you've always wanted, though watching the poor creature try to pull itself free from your wall will take some getting used to.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A passing stranger will steal your heart this week, and after a few too many drinks have been consumed, your kidney as well.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    There are some things in life science can't explain, but sadly, why your wife left you and your children refuse to call isn't one of them.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars indicate this is a good week to try new and exciting experiences. See what happens when you consume a second, larger meatball sandwich.