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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You never thought you had a sensitive side, but the fist-sized boils down the right half of your body will soon change your mind.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    No one will want to talk about the 800-pound elephant in the room. Still, whoever has been feeding him cheap take-out seriously needs to stop.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Finding just the right words to express your feelings is often difficult, which is why you'll ultimately settle on a series of obscene hand gestures.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It's not so much your drinking that will drive loved ones away, but your tendency to operate chainsaws, nail-guns and other industrial power tools while intoxicated.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It's true that God created you in His likeness. Unfortunately for you, God was feeling particularly shitty about Himself that day.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You've always been afraid of having children, but worry not: That thing inside your uterus will bear little resemblance to an actual infant.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The human body is made up of 70 percent water, which helps to explain the sound you'll make after hitting the pavement this week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    By the time rescue workers reach you this week, not only will you have eaten all of your fellow passengers, but moved on to some of the food they had brought along as well.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll finally get the mounted deer head you've always wanted, though watching the poor creature try to pull itself free from your wall will take some getting used to.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A passing stranger will steal your heart this week, and after a few too many drinks have been consumed, your kidney as well.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    There are some things in life science can't explain, but sadly, why your wife left you and your children refuse to call isn't one of them.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars indicate this is a good week to try new and exciting experiences. See what happens when you consume a second, larger meatball sandwich.

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