Aries | March 21 to April 19
You never thought you had a sensitive side, but the fist-sized boils down the right half of your body will soon change your mind.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
No one will want to talk about the 800-pound elephant in the room. Still, whoever has been feeding him cheap take-out seriously needs to stop.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Finding just the right words to express your feelings is often difficult, which is why you'll ultimately settle on a series of obscene hand gestures.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
It's not so much your drinking that will drive loved ones away, but your tendency to operate chainsaws, nail-guns and other industrial power tools while intoxicated.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
It's true that God created you in His likeness. Unfortunately for you, God was feeling particularly shitty about Himself that day.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You've always been afraid of having children, but worry not: That thing inside your uterus will bear little resemblance to an actual infant.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
The human body is made up of 70 percent water, which helps to explain the sound you'll make after hitting the pavement this week.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
By the time rescue workers reach you this week, not only will you have eaten all of your fellow passengers, but moved on to some of the food they had brought along as well.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You'll finally get the mounted deer head you've always wanted, though watching the poor creature try to pull itself free from your wall will take some getting used to.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
A passing stranger will steal your heart this week, and after a few too many drinks have been consumed, your kidney as well.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
There are some things in life science can't explain, but sadly, why your wife left you and your children refuse to call isn't one of them.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The stars indicate this is a good week to try new and exciting experiences. See what happens when you consume a second, larger meatball sandwich.
WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION