Aries | March 21 to April 19
This week's full moon will turn you into a crazed, ferocious and out-of-control monster, but that's only because it'll happen to coincide with your period.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
While it's true that taking drugs won't make your problems go away, nobody ever said anything about selling drugs.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Advances in nanotechnology will soon make it possible for man to travel inside the human body. Until then, however, it's just you and your pinky finger.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Thanks to Pavlovian conditioning and a rather unexpected string of neighborhood accidents, you'll soon salivate every time an ice-cream truck runs over a puppy.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Now that the hard part is over, all you have to do is sit back, relax, and hope that San Diego Zoo officials don't notice the uncanny physical resemblance.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The rise of Jupiter in the eastern sky can only mean one thing—but you'll still insist on making the whole thing apply to your love life.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
The world's greatest poets will gather to write about your unique beauty this week, only to give up hours later, after failing to find a rhyme for "eczema."
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
The stars indicate that there's going to be this really sick party on Friday, with all sorts of booze and beer, and, oh yeah, Jessica is totally going to be there.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You will soon achieve a kind of immortality. Unfortunately for you, it's the kind that involves being hooked up to an emergency room respirator for the rest of eternity.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Your money problems will only worsen this week when cashiers demand to know why there's a top-hatted magnate in the center of all your multi-colored bills.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
It's amazing the kind of things children will believe when presented with a phony death certificate bearing their mother's name.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
It's not so much the blood that will make you sick, or the broken bones, or even the spine tingling shrieks of pain. It's the fact that you decided to rent Bloodsport for a second time.
WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION