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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.

Most Anticipated Panels At Comic-Con

San Diego Comic-Con kicks off tomorrow, and this year’s schedule is packed with must-see events. Here are the most highly-anticipated panels of Comic-Con 2017.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    This week's full moon will turn you into a crazed, ferocious and out-of-control monster, but that's only because it'll happen to coincide with your period.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    While it's true that taking drugs won't make your problems go away, nobody ever said anything about selling drugs.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Advances in nanotechnology will soon make it possible for man to travel inside the human body. Until then, however, it's just you and your pinky finger.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Thanks to Pavlovian conditioning and a rather unexpected string of neighborhood accidents, you'll soon salivate every time an ice-cream truck runs over a puppy.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Now that the hard part is over, all you have to do is sit back, relax, and hope that San Diego Zoo officials don't notice the uncanny physical resemblance.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The rise of Jupiter in the eastern sky can only mean one thing—but you'll still insist on making the whole thing apply to your love life.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The world's greatest poets will gather to write about your unique beauty this week, only to give up hours later, after failing to find a rhyme for "eczema."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars indicate that there's going to be this really sick party on Friday, with all sorts of booze and beer, and, oh yeah, Jessica is totally going to be there.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will soon achieve a kind of immortality. Unfortunately for you, it's the kind that involves being hooked up to an emergency room respirator for the rest of eternity.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your money problems will only worsen this week when cashiers demand to know why there's a top-hatted magnate in the center of all your multi-colored bills.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It's amazing the kind of things children will believe when presented with a phony death certificate bearing their mother's name.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It's not so much the blood that will make you sick, or the broken bones, or even the spine tingling shrieks of pain. It's the fact that you decided to rent Bloodsport for a second time.

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