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Vol 44 Issue 17

Badly Injured Man Not Done Partying Yet

BATON ROUGE, LA—Veteran partier Adam Girard was seen pedaling down the street on a neighbor’s bicycle, yelling that he going swimming and that his collarbone was fine.

Snow Moves To CNN

Former Fox News personality and White House press secretary began his stint as a political contributor on CNN this Monday. What do you think?

Commas, Turning Up, Everywhere

WASHINGTON—In the midst of a crisis that may have reached a breaking, point Tuesday afternoon, linguists, and grammarians, everywhere say they...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    This week's full moon will turn you into a crazed, ferocious and out-of-control monster, but that's only because it'll happen to coincide with your period.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    While it's true that taking drugs won't make your problems go away, nobody ever said anything about selling drugs.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Advances in nanotechnology will soon make it possible for man to travel inside the human body. Until then, however, it's just you and your pinky finger.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Thanks to Pavlovian conditioning and a rather unexpected string of neighborhood accidents, you'll soon salivate every time an ice-cream truck runs over a puppy.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Now that the hard part is over, all you have to do is sit back, relax, and hope that San Diego Zoo officials don't notice the uncanny physical resemblance.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    The rise of Jupiter in the eastern sky can only mean one thing—but you'll still insist on making the whole thing apply to your love life.
  • Libra

    Libra

    The world's greatest poets will gather to write about your unique beauty this week, only to give up hours later, after failing to find a rhyme for "eczema."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    The stars indicate that there's going to be this really sick party on Friday, with all sorts of booze and beer, and, oh yeah, Jessica is totally going to be there.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You will soon achieve a kind of immortality. Unfortunately for you, it's the kind that involves being hooked up to an emergency room respirator for the rest of eternity.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Your money problems will only worsen this week when cashiers demand to know why there's a top-hatted magnate in the center of all your multi-colored bills.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    It's amazing the kind of things children will believe when presented with a phony death certificate bearing their mother's name.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    It's not so much the blood that will make you sick, or the broken bones, or even the spine tingling shrieks of pain. It's the fact that you decided to rent Bloodsport for a second time.
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