Your Horoscope

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Vol 44 Issue 18

LSD Inventor Dead

Albert Hofmann, the Swiss chemist who created the hallucinogen LSD, died the age of 102. What do you think?

Padres Game Sunned Out

SAN DIEGO—Following a two and half hour delay for heavy sunshine Monday, umpire Charlie Reliford canceled the game between the Padres and...
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Race Relations

Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your life story will soon be adapted in a hit Broadway play, though a lot of the over-the-top singing and dancing will have to be cut out in order to fit the stage.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    What others think of you is a constant source of worry, so take heart in knowing that they rarely ever do.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    The coming week will be influenced by forces outside your control, namely gravity, linear momentum, and high velocity friction.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Balancing work and family is never easy, but with looming deadlines and daily staff meetings—well, it's just—what the hell do you expect from us, Margaret?
  • Leo

    Leo

    You will soon leave your body to science, though unfortunately for you, it's the type of science that studies the effects of being repeatedly set on fire.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    The stars indicate that it's important to take risks in life. Also, the stars indicate that by reading this horoscope you automatically absolve them of any liability should serious injury or death occur as a result of those risks.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Like the beetle that lays its eggs atop a mound of dung, so too will you hand in months of hard work to your supervisor this week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Your hands will be covered in blood this Thursday, as will your clothes, and all of your walls. Then again, painting is always a little bit messy.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    They say you have the grace of a dancer and the agility of a world-class gymnast. After that, though, it's usually just a bunch of mean-spirited laughter.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    The strange men in lab coats, aggravated by your resistance, will turn the dial to 60 volts. They will then repeat their question for the last time.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Your lucky compound modifiers for this week are: long-term, hard-fought and military-history.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Though a number of instructional tools already exist, physicists will recommend using your fat ass whenever the concept of inertia is taught in high school classrooms.
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