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Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Fatherhood

  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars hate to be the bearer of bad news, which is why they've decided to wait for the telegram, the somber representative, and the lifetime supply of Jiffy Pop to arrive instead.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You couldn't have done it without the encouragement and assistance of your college professor, which is too bad, since "it" refers to getting pregnant and dropping out of school.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A team of surgeons will be forced to amputate your leg this Thursday in order to keep themselves from getting bored.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    While there's something to be said for devoting your life to your job, you're beginning to suspect it mostly involves swearing.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll feel like a fish out of water this week when a group of large men drag you onto the bow of their boat, remove the steel hook from your jaw, and strike you in the back of the head with a hammer.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    They may think they have you beat, but soon the tables will turn, sending their Scrabble board and all of its wooden tiles onto the floor.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll dive into frigid waters to save the life of a complete stranger this week. Unfortunately for you, he'll end up just being your brother.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Remember: Those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach just keep repeating the same tired maxim over and over again.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    City officials will name a public holiday in your honor this week, making May 9th forever Aw, Who The Hell Cares Who We Give These Things Out To Anymore Day.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A mob of torch-wielding villagers will soon gather outside your home, which is odd, as you don't remember inviting a mob of torch-wielding villagers over.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Goodwill and cheer will cause your heart to swell to three times its normal size this week, only to explode minutes later, spreading festive joy all over your respiratory system.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll soon have no other choice but to pick up the pieces of your wife and move on.