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Most Likely Candidates For Clinton’s Cabinet

If elected president, Hillary Clinton will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising her on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Clinton’s inner circle.

Man Votes Early To Get Week Bragging About It Out Of Way

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Saying he had been looking forward to casting his ballot and didn’t want to wait until November 8, local man David Keene, 36, reportedly voted early Thursday in order to get a week of bragging about it out of the way.

Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars hate to be the bearer of bad news, which is why they've decided to wait for the telegram, the somber representative, and the lifetime supply of Jiffy Pop to arrive instead.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You couldn't have done it without the encouragement and assistance of your college professor, which is too bad, since "it" refers to getting pregnant and dropping out of school.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A team of surgeons will be forced to amputate your leg this Thursday in order to keep themselves from getting bored.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    While there's something to be said for devoting your life to your job, you're beginning to suspect it mostly involves swearing.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll feel like a fish out of water this week when a group of large men drag you onto the bow of their boat, remove the steel hook from your jaw, and strike you in the back of the head with a hammer.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    They may think they have you beat, but soon the tables will turn, sending their Scrabble board and all of its wooden tiles onto the floor.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll dive into frigid waters to save the life of a complete stranger this week. Unfortunately for you, he'll end up just being your brother.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Remember: Those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach just keep repeating the same tired maxim over and over again.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    City officials will name a public holiday in your honor this week, making May 9th forever Aw, Who The Hell Cares Who We Give These Things Out To Anymore Day.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A mob of torch-wielding villagers will soon gather outside your home, which is odd, as you don't remember inviting a mob of torch-wielding villagers over.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Goodwill and cheer will cause your heart to swell to three times its normal size this week, only to explode minutes later, spreading festive joy all over your respiratory system.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll soon have no other choice but to pick up the pieces of your wife and move on.


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