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EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars hate to be the bearer of bad news, which is why they've decided to wait for the telegram, the somber representative, and the lifetime supply of Jiffy Pop to arrive instead.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You couldn't have done it without the encouragement and assistance of your college professor, which is too bad, since "it" refers to getting pregnant and dropping out of school.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A team of surgeons will be forced to amputate your leg this Thursday in order to keep themselves from getting bored.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    While there's something to be said for devoting your life to your job, you're beginning to suspect it mostly involves swearing.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll feel like a fish out of water this week when a group of large men drag you onto the bow of their boat, remove the steel hook from your jaw, and strike you in the back of the head with a hammer.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    They may think they have you beat, but soon the tables will turn, sending their Scrabble board and all of its wooden tiles onto the floor.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll dive into frigid waters to save the life of a complete stranger this week. Unfortunately for you, he'll end up just being your brother.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Remember: Those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach just keep repeating the same tired maxim over and over again.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    City officials will name a public holiday in your honor this week, making May 9th forever Aw, Who The Hell Cares Who We Give These Things Out To Anymore Day.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A mob of torch-wielding villagers will soon gather outside your home, which is odd, as you don't remember inviting a mob of torch-wielding villagers over.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Goodwill and cheer will cause your heart to swell to three times its normal size this week, only to explode minutes later, spreading festive joy all over your respiratory system.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll soon have no other choice but to pick up the pieces of your wife and move on.

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