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NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars hate to be the bearer of bad news, which is why they've decided to wait for the telegram, the somber representative, and the lifetime supply of Jiffy Pop to arrive instead.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You couldn't have done it without the encouragement and assistance of your college professor, which is too bad, since "it" refers to getting pregnant and dropping out of school.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A team of surgeons will be forced to amputate your leg this Thursday in order to keep themselves from getting bored.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    While there's something to be said for devoting your life to your job, you're beginning to suspect it mostly involves swearing.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll feel like a fish out of water this week when a group of large men drag you onto the bow of their boat, remove the steel hook from your jaw, and strike you in the back of the head with a hammer.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    They may think they have you beat, but soon the tables will turn, sending their Scrabble board and all of its wooden tiles onto the floor.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll dive into frigid waters to save the life of a complete stranger this week. Unfortunately for you, he'll end up just being your brother.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Remember: Those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach just keep repeating the same tired maxim over and over again.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    City officials will name a public holiday in your honor this week, making May 9th forever Aw, Who The Hell Cares Who We Give These Things Out To Anymore Day.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A mob of torch-wielding villagers will soon gather outside your home, which is odd, as you don't remember inviting a mob of torch-wielding villagers over.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Goodwill and cheer will cause your heart to swell to three times its normal size this week, only to explode minutes later, spreading festive joy all over your respiratory system.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll soon have no other choice but to pick up the pieces of your wife and move on.

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