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Vol 44 Issue 20

San Diego Zoo, Prison Merge

SAN DIEGO—The new ultra-efficient complex is open to schoolchildren on field trips, family members of convicted felons, and state-appointed defense lawyers.

Vatican Okays Space Aliens

Vatican chief astronomer Rev. Jose Gabriel Funes stated that belief in extraterrestrial life is not contradictory with church doctrine because aliens...
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    Coughing up blood is usually a sign of serious illness, but in your case it just means you're drinking it too fast.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    It's difficult to imagine what life would be like without your family, which is why you'll resort to a series of detailed sketches, diagrams, and plans.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Earth and water magicks are strong in Gemini this week. Prepare to lose everything you own in a devastating mudslide.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You'll soon be transformed into a half-man, half-wolf monstrosity—bringing you one step closer to becoming a full-fledged human.
  • Leo

    Leo

    A wise man once said, "To err is human; to forgive divine." But it's the fact that he charged for the advice that made him shrewd.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You'll lose your childlike innocence this Thursday, and, after pleading guilty to a number of charges, your adult-like innocence as well.
  • Libra

    Libra

    A healthy relationship is all about compromise, or at least that's what you'll agree to in order to get your partner off your back.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Your amusing hospital jig will make all the patients smile, but that's only because they'll realize that dying of cancer isn't the most dehumanizing thing on earth.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    The stars indicate that you can receive your personalized horoscope reading in Spanish by pressing 3 now.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Maturity is often linked with a greater sense of responsibility, but you'll have to settle for a thick outer skin and deep yellow color.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    They can take away your house, and they can take away your car, but they'll never take away your dignity. Probably because it isn't worth very much.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    While you've always believed in life after death, it's the possibility of life before death you're beginning to wonder about.
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