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New York City Abuzz Over New Resident

NEW YORK—With word spreading rapidly through office towers, apartment buildings, and across all five boroughs, sources confirmed Friday that New Yorkers were abuzz over reports that a new resident had moved to the city.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Ranking Women Somehow Not Issue In Miss USA Debacle

NEW YORK—As backlash against the Miss USA pageant continues to spread following controversial anti-immigration remarks made by the contest’s owner, Donald Trump, sources confirmed this week that the overt ranking of women is somehow not a part of the ongoing nationwide outrage.

Insurance Only Covers Generic Heart Transplant

GALLATIN, TN—Saying he will just have to trust that the new organ he receives is as good as the other options out there, local man Keith Palmero confirmed Tuesday that his insurance provider would only cover a generic heart for his upcoming transplant surgery.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Coughing up blood is usually a sign of serious illness, but in your case it just means you're drinking it too fast.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It's difficult to imagine what life would be like without your family, which is why you'll resort to a series of detailed sketches, diagrams, and plans.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Earth and water magicks are strong in Gemini this week. Prepare to lose everything you own in a devastating mudslide.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll soon be transformed into a half-man, half-wolf monstrosity—bringing you one step closer to becoming a full-fledged human.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A wise man once said, "To err is human; to forgive divine." But it's the fact that he charged for the advice that made him shrewd.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll lose your childlike innocence this Thursday, and, after pleading guilty to a number of charges, your adult-like innocence as well.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A healthy relationship is all about compromise, or at least that's what you'll agree to in order to get your partner off your back.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your amusing hospital jig will make all the patients smile, but that's only because they'll realize that dying of cancer isn't the most dehumanizing thing on earth.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars indicate that you can receive your personalized horoscope reading in Spanish by pressing 3 now.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Maturity is often linked with a greater sense of responsibility, but you'll have to settle for a thick outer skin and deep yellow color.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    They can take away your house, and they can take away your car, but they'll never take away your dignity. Probably because it isn't worth very much.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    While you've always believed in life after death, it's the possibility of life before death you're beginning to wonder about.
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