adBlockCheck

Recent News

Most Anticipated Panels At Comic-Con

San Diego Comic-Con kicks off tomorrow, and this year’s schedule is packed with must-see events. Here are the most highly-anticipated panels of Comic-Con 2017.

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Notable Female Writers Throughout History

Jane Austen died 200 years ago today, but she continues to be widely read and influential to today’s writers. The Onion highlights some of the most notable female authors throughout history.
End Of Section
  • More News

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Coughing up blood is usually a sign of serious illness, but in your case it just means you're drinking it too fast.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It's difficult to imagine what life would be like without your family, which is why you'll resort to a series of detailed sketches, diagrams, and plans.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Earth and water magicks are strong in Gemini this week. Prepare to lose everything you own in a devastating mudslide.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll soon be transformed into a half-man, half-wolf monstrosity—bringing you one step closer to becoming a full-fledged human.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A wise man once said, "To err is human; to forgive divine." But it's the fact that he charged for the advice that made him shrewd.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll lose your childlike innocence this Thursday, and, after pleading guilty to a number of charges, your adult-like innocence as well.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A healthy relationship is all about compromise, or at least that's what you'll agree to in order to get your partner off your back.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your amusing hospital jig will make all the patients smile, but that's only because they'll realize that dying of cancer isn't the most dehumanizing thing on earth.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars indicate that you can receive your personalized horoscope reading in Spanish by pressing 3 now.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Maturity is often linked with a greater sense of responsibility, but you'll have to settle for a thick outer skin and deep yellow color.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    They can take away your house, and they can take away your car, but they'll never take away your dignity. Probably because it isn't worth very much.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    While you've always believed in life after death, it's the possibility of life before death you're beginning to wonder about.

More from this section

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close