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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Coughing up blood is usually a sign of serious illness, but in your case it just means you're drinking it too fast.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It's difficult to imagine what life would be like without your family, which is why you'll resort to a series of detailed sketches, diagrams, and plans.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Earth and water magicks are strong in Gemini this week. Prepare to lose everything you own in a devastating mudslide.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll soon be transformed into a half-man, half-wolf monstrosity—bringing you one step closer to becoming a full-fledged human.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A wise man once said, "To err is human; to forgive divine." But it's the fact that he charged for the advice that made him shrewd.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll lose your childlike innocence this Thursday, and, after pleading guilty to a number of charges, your adult-like innocence as well.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A healthy relationship is all about compromise, or at least that's what you'll agree to in order to get your partner off your back.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your amusing hospital jig will make all the patients smile, but that's only because they'll realize that dying of cancer isn't the most dehumanizing thing on earth.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars indicate that you can receive your personalized horoscope reading in Spanish by pressing 3 now.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Maturity is often linked with a greater sense of responsibility, but you'll have to settle for a thick outer skin and deep yellow color.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    They can take away your house, and they can take away your car, but they'll never take away your dignity. Probably because it isn't worth very much.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    While you've always believed in life after death, it's the possibility of life before death you're beginning to wonder about.

More from this section

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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