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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your fear of heights worsens this week when the vertical measurement calls you at home, breathes heavily into the receiver, and threatens to murder your loved ones in their sleep.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The human mind is capable of wondrous feats of creativity and imagination, but all you'll come up with next week is "Me no speak-a English."
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Remember: Nobody is perfect. Whatever you lack in talent and ability, you more than make up for in well-timed excuses.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll have a lot of explaining to do this week when the mathematical constant W is somehow reduced to an irrational decimal, leaving x and y unbalanced on the other side of the equation.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The loss of a child is never easy, especially when the resourceful little pest keeps managing to find his way back home.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You're about to embark on an incredible life-changing experience—one involving the collapsing of your lungs, the expansion of your heart, and the rapid evacuation of your bowels.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A man's home is his castle. This week prepare to have your castle stormed by a marauding horde of phone bills.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    People say you have one of the biggest egos in the world, but what they probably mean is best—one of the best egos in the world.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll soon become a pawn in a deadly game of treachery and deceit, which is too bad, as you'd rather be one of those jumping horsey-guys instead.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your hunger for knowledge is second to none. Unfortunately, you tend to regurgitate everything right back up again.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars foresee a time of great financial security and emotional fulfillment. Also, the stars foresee the start of National Lie In Order To Make People Feel Better About Themselves Week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It's amazing what a difference a little hard work and perseverance can make. Or at least, that's what you heard.

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