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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your fear of heights worsens this week when the vertical measurement calls you at home, breathes heavily into the receiver, and threatens to murder your loved ones in their sleep.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The human mind is capable of wondrous feats of creativity and imagination, but all you'll come up with next week is "Me no speak-a English."
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Remember: Nobody is perfect. Whatever you lack in talent and ability, you more than make up for in well-timed excuses.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll have a lot of explaining to do this week when the mathematical constant W is somehow reduced to an irrational decimal, leaving x and y unbalanced on the other side of the equation.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The loss of a child is never easy, especially when the resourceful little pest keeps managing to find his way back home.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You're about to embark on an incredible life-changing experience—one involving the collapsing of your lungs, the expansion of your heart, and the rapid evacuation of your bowels.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A man's home is his castle. This week prepare to have your castle stormed by a marauding horde of phone bills.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    People say you have one of the biggest egos in the world, but what they probably mean is best—one of the best egos in the world.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll soon become a pawn in a deadly game of treachery and deceit, which is too bad, as you'd rather be one of those jumping horsey-guys instead.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your hunger for knowledge is second to none. Unfortunately, you tend to regurgitate everything right back up again.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars foresee a time of great financial security and emotional fulfillment. Also, the stars foresee the start of National Lie In Order To Make People Feel Better About Themselves Week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It's amazing what a difference a little hard work and perseverance can make. Or at least, that's what you heard.
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