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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your fear of heights worsens this week when the vertical measurement calls you at home, breathes heavily into the receiver, and threatens to murder your loved ones in their sleep.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The human mind is capable of wondrous feats of creativity and imagination, but all you'll come up with next week is "Me no speak-a English."
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Remember: Nobody is perfect. Whatever you lack in talent and ability, you more than make up for in well-timed excuses.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll have a lot of explaining to do this week when the mathematical constant W is somehow reduced to an irrational decimal, leaving x and y unbalanced on the other side of the equation.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The loss of a child is never easy, especially when the resourceful little pest keeps managing to find his way back home.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You're about to embark on an incredible life-changing experience—one involving the collapsing of your lungs, the expansion of your heart, and the rapid evacuation of your bowels.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A man's home is his castle. This week prepare to have your castle stormed by a marauding horde of phone bills.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    People say you have one of the biggest egos in the world, but what they probably mean is best—one of the best egos in the world.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll soon become a pawn in a deadly game of treachery and deceit, which is too bad, as you'd rather be one of those jumping horsey-guys instead.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your hunger for knowledge is second to none. Unfortunately, you tend to regurgitate everything right back up again.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars foresee a time of great financial security and emotional fulfillment. Also, the stars foresee the start of National Lie In Order To Make People Feel Better About Themselves Week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It's amazing what a difference a little hard work and perseverance can make. Or at least, that's what you heard.

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