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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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    Your water will break while watching a performance of The Marriage Of Figaro, causing you great surprise, as you are not pregnant, female, or interested in opera.
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    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Everyone will be talking about your wonderful personality and kind nature next week, which is customary at funerals.
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    You will combine a pair of novelty underpants and your considerable ventriloquism skills to give a certain special lady the worst first date of her life.
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    The stars indicate that they know very well who ate the last of the cottage cheese and would appreciate you replacing it, thank you.
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    The little black dress is an instant sophisticator—slimming, elegant, and timeless—but you'd be better off going with something flame-resistant this weekend.
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    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    After six weeks, you still haven't figured out how Jonah got so much done inside one of these things.
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    A team of FDA physicians and researchers will soon come out with a 45-page, item-by-item recall of everything you've eaten in the past six months.
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    Remember: Just because you read it in a book doesn't mean it's true. There's no such thing as a "John Updike."
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    You will die of dehydration and malnutrition next week, shortly after hitting the snooze button for the 234,734th time.
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    Just because the ambulances go by at high speeds does not mean they want to race you.
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    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The nation is stunned by Amelia Earhart's miraculous return, especially when she knees you in the groin and shouts, "Thanks for nothing."
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    Your admirable decision to lead a life of honesty and moral rectitude will bring your career in advertising to a sudden and drastic end.
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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