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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your water will break while watching a performance of The Marriage Of Figaro, causing you great surprise, as you are not pregnant, female, or interested in opera.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Everyone will be talking about your wonderful personality and kind nature next week, which is customary at funerals.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will combine a pair of novelty underpants and your considerable ventriloquism skills to give a certain special lady the worst first date of her life.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The stars indicate that they know very well who ate the last of the cottage cheese and would appreciate you replacing it, thank you.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The little black dress is an instant sophisticator—slimming, elegant, and timeless—but you'd be better off going with something flame-resistant this weekend.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    After six weeks, you still haven't figured out how Jonah got so much done inside one of these things.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A team of FDA physicians and researchers will soon come out with a 45-page, item-by-item recall of everything you've eaten in the past six months.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Remember: Just because you read it in a book doesn't mean it's true. There's no such thing as a "John Updike."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will die of dehydration and malnutrition next week, shortly after hitting the snooze button for the 234,734th time.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Just because the ambulances go by at high speeds does not mean they want to race you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The nation is stunned by Amelia Earhart's miraculous return, especially when she knees you in the groin and shouts, "Thanks for nothing."
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your admirable decision to lead a life of honesty and moral rectitude will bring your career in advertising to a sudden and drastic end.

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