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Vol 44 Issue 22

Barr May Take Republican Votes

Former Republican congressman Bob Barr of Georgia was nominated as the Libertarian Party's presidential candidate and may take votes away from John...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Sports Drink Company Putting First Advertisement On Moon

    Japanese pharmaceutical company Otsuka has announced plans to put their sports drink Pocari Sweat on the moon in a specially equipped container bearing their logo, which, if successful, would be the first time a commercial product has been flown to the mo...

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your water will break while watching a performance of The Marriage Of Figaro, causing you great surprise, as you are not pregnant, female, or interested in opera.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Everyone will be talking about your wonderful personality and kind nature next week, which is customary at funerals.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You will combine a pair of novelty underpants and your considerable ventriloquism skills to give a certain special lady the worst first date of her life.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    The stars indicate that they know very well who ate the last of the cottage cheese and would appreciate you replacing it, thank you.
  • Leo

    Leo

    The little black dress is an instant sophisticator—slimming, elegant, and timeless—but you'd be better off going with something flame-resistant this weekend.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    After six weeks, you still haven't figured out how Jonah got so much done inside one of these things.
  • Libra

    Libra

    A team of FDA physicians and researchers will soon come out with a 45-page, item-by-item recall of everything you've eaten in the past six months.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Remember: Just because you read it in a book doesn't mean it's true. There's no such thing as a "John Updike."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You will die of dehydration and malnutrition next week, shortly after hitting the snooze button for the 234,734th time.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Just because the ambulances go by at high speeds does not mean they want to race you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    The nation is stunned by Amelia Earhart's miraculous return, especially when she knees you in the groin and shouts, "Thanks for nothing."
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Your admirable decision to lead a life of honesty and moral rectitude will bring your career in advertising to a sudden and drastic end.
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