Aries | March 21 to April 19
A magical night beneath the stars awaits you this Thursday. Unfortunately for you, they're John Goodman, French Stewart and Artie Lang.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
All of your money problems will disappear this week when a large safe falls out of a nearby window, crushing your creditors at once.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
They may make your heart race and your knees tremble, but remember: Women are just as scared of you as you are of them.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
The streets will run red with the blood of the innocent and the pure this week—so relax, you have absolutely nothing to worry about.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
The moon in your sign indicates financial success in the coming days. The moon in your rear-view mirror, however, indicates those damn teens are at it again.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Luck will be yours this week when a rapidly overflowing toilet nets you over 20 million dollars in black market heroin.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Never in a million years did you think you'd end up as a successful trial lawyer, but it's still a bit of a surprise when you don't.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Despite frantic efforts to retrieve it, your antipsychotic medication will be swept away by a shrieking river of lava once again this week.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your mother always said she wasn't made of money, but you and your local blood donor clinic are going to prove her wrong.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Look to the Bible for the answer to your problems this week, or any other heavy book you can use to kill spiders.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You claim to be more of a lover than a fighter, which is strange, considering the last 15 years of your marriage.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
It's difficult to know who to trust in life. Then again, the guy with the horns and the hooves should have been a no-brainer.
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