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Vol 44 Issue 23

Clinton Suspends Campaign

While keeping her delegates, Hillary Clinton has suspended her campaign to be the Democratic nominee, leaving Barack Obama the party's presumptive...

Terrible Idea Committed To Paper

SECAUCUS, NJ—Sales supervisor Justin Henry stopped in the middle of a busy sidewalk Monday, obstructing the paths of 15 pedestrians as he...

Ed McMahon May Lose House

After falling behind in payments, former Tonight Show sidekick Ed McMahon is in danger of losing his $6.25 million home. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    A magical night beneath the stars awaits you this Thursday. Unfortunately for you, they're John Goodman, French Stewart and Artie Lang.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    All of your money problems will disappear this week when a large safe falls out of a nearby window, crushing your creditors at once.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    They may make your heart race and your knees tremble, but remember: Women are just as scared of you as you are of them.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    The streets will run red with the blood of the innocent and the pure this week—so relax, you have absolutely nothing to worry about.
  • Leo

    Leo

    The moon in your sign indicates financial success in the coming days. The moon in your rear-view mirror, however, indicates those damn teens are at it again.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Luck will be yours this week when a rapidly overflowing toilet nets you over 20 million dollars in black market heroin.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Never in a million years did you think you'd end up as a successful trial lawyer, but it's still a bit of a surprise when you don't.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Despite frantic efforts to retrieve it, your antipsychotic medication will be swept away by a shrieking river of lava once again this week.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Your mother always said she wasn't made of money, but you and your local blood donor clinic are going to prove her wrong.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Look to the Bible for the answer to your problems this week, or any other heavy book you can use to kill spiders.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You claim to be more of a lover than a fighter, which is strange, considering the last 15 years of your marriage.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    It's difficult to know who to trust in life. Then again, the guy with the horns and the hooves should have been a no-brainer.
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