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Vol 44 Issue 24

Area Grandmother Tries Indian Food

BLOOMINGTON, MN—Witnesses report Eileen Rutherford, 78, was overwhelmed by the unusual aromas but appeared delighted when a recognizable pea rolled out of her samosa.

Cricket Located

IRWIN, PA—In a feat of extraordinary patience, auditory precision, and monklike concentration, 42-year-old Pat Baer interrupted his favorite TV...

CD Sales Down, LP Sales Up

While sales of CDs fell 17 percent between 2006 and 2007, sales of LPs rose 36 percent in the same period. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    This coming week is a good time for Aries to explore different career options, which, with your skill set, should leave Tuesday through Sunday wide open.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    After experiencing the steep drops, abrupt climbs, and out-of-control spins of a roller coaster this week, you'll finally see why your therapist so often invokes them in characterizing your mental states.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    While it's often understood that racism, by nature, is borne of ignorance, your claim that the Irish control the media will still seem particularly uneducated this week.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Your tendency to see the worst in every situation will rob you of any pleasure you might have otherwise derived from next Thursday's biological outbreak.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Tomorrow will be the perfect day to curl up in bed with a good book and sob hysterically about how you never learned to read.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    So ashamed will you be about falling down the stairs that you'll lie to friends and family, telling them instead that your husband beat you.
  • Libra

    Libra

    While experimenting with sex is perfectly normal for someone your age, experimenting with the many varieties of electrical currents and diode clamps is not.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You'll still be able to count the number of times you've suffered a woodshop accident on one hand, although it'll take a little more ingenuity and creativity than before.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    When carrying out a book-burning, first stoke the fire with smaller, lighter works from Austen and Waugh, before throwing on the heavier hardbacks of Tolstoy and Joyce.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    They've taken to calling you a broken man, defeated, beaten, dispirited, hopeless—but then they have access to a thesaurus.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Your therapist will insist that childhood trauma is the cause of your unusual behavior, but it's only recently that you've started screaming for candy.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    By the time you manage to get the bear suit off, it will have been too late.
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