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Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    This coming week is a good time for Aries to explore different career options, which, with your skill set, should leave Tuesday through Sunday wide open.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    After experiencing the steep drops, abrupt climbs, and out-of-control spins of a roller coaster this week, you'll finally see why your therapist so often invokes them in characterizing your mental states.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    While it's often understood that racism, by nature, is borne of ignorance, your claim that the Irish control the media will still seem particularly uneducated this week.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your tendency to see the worst in every situation will rob you of any pleasure you might have otherwise derived from next Thursday's biological outbreak.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Tomorrow will be the perfect day to curl up in bed with a good book and sob hysterically about how you never learned to read.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    So ashamed will you be about falling down the stairs that you'll lie to friends and family, telling them instead that your husband beat you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    While experimenting with sex is perfectly normal for someone your age, experimenting with the many varieties of electrical currents and diode clamps is not.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll still be able to count the number of times you've suffered a woodshop accident on one hand, although it'll take a little more ingenuity and creativity than before.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    When carrying out a book-burning, first stoke the fire with smaller, lighter works from Austen and Waugh, before throwing on the heavier hardbacks of Tolstoy and Joyce.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    They've taken to calling you a broken man, defeated, beaten, dispirited, hopeless—but then they have access to a thesaurus.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your therapist will insist that childhood trauma is the cause of your unusual behavior, but it's only recently that you've started screaming for candy.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    By the time you manage to get the bear suit off, it will have been too late.