Aries | March 21 to April 19
This coming week is a good time for Aries to explore different career options, which, with your skill set, should leave Tuesday through Sunday wide open.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
After experiencing the steep drops, abrupt climbs, and out-of-control spins of a roller coaster this week, you'll finally see why your therapist so often invokes them in characterizing your mental states.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
While it's often understood that racism, by nature, is borne of ignorance, your claim that the Irish control the media will still seem particularly uneducated this week.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Your tendency to see the worst in every situation will rob you of any pleasure you might have otherwise derived from next Thursday's biological outbreak.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Tomorrow will be the perfect day to curl up in bed with a good book and sob hysterically about how you never learned to read.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
So ashamed will you be about falling down the stairs that you'll lie to friends and family, telling them instead that your husband beat you.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
While experimenting with sex is perfectly normal for someone your age, experimenting with the many varieties of electrical currents and diode clamps is not.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You'll still be able to count the number of times you've suffered a woodshop accident on one hand, although it'll take a little more ingenuity and creativity than before.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
When carrying out a book-burning, first stoke the fire with smaller, lighter works from Austen and Waugh, before throwing on the heavier hardbacks of Tolstoy and Joyce.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
They've taken to calling you a broken man, defeated, beaten, dispirited, hopeless—but then they have access to a thesaurus.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Your therapist will insist that childhood trauma is the cause of your unusual behavior, but it's only recently that you've started screaming for candy.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
By the time you manage to get the bear suit off, it will have been too late.
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