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Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    This coming week is a good time for Aries to explore different career options, which, with your skill set, should leave Tuesday through Sunday wide open.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    After experiencing the steep drops, abrupt climbs, and out-of-control spins of a roller coaster this week, you'll finally see why your therapist so often invokes them in characterizing your mental states.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    While it's often understood that racism, by nature, is borne of ignorance, your claim that the Irish control the media will still seem particularly uneducated this week.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your tendency to see the worst in every situation will rob you of any pleasure you might have otherwise derived from next Thursday's biological outbreak.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Tomorrow will be the perfect day to curl up in bed with a good book and sob hysterically about how you never learned to read.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    So ashamed will you be about falling down the stairs that you'll lie to friends and family, telling them instead that your husband beat you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    While experimenting with sex is perfectly normal for someone your age, experimenting with the many varieties of electrical currents and diode clamps is not.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll still be able to count the number of times you've suffered a woodshop accident on one hand, although it'll take a little more ingenuity and creativity than before.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    When carrying out a book-burning, first stoke the fire with smaller, lighter works from Austen and Waugh, before throwing on the heavier hardbacks of Tolstoy and Joyce.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    They've taken to calling you a broken man, defeated, beaten, dispirited, hopeless—but then they have access to a thesaurus.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your therapist will insist that childhood trauma is the cause of your unusual behavior, but it's only recently that you've started screaming for candy.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    By the time you manage to get the bear suit off, it will have been too late.


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