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Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Jealousy, suspicion, and utter confusion will be yours this week when you find yourself at the center of a bizarre love rhombus.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The mere mention of your name strikes fear and terror in the hearts of men, though that's mainly because it's so difficult to pronounce.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars foresee a great number of failures, setbacks and letdowns in your future, but then pretty much anyone could have told you that.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Smuggling cocaine across the border is a delicate art. Next time try stashing it inside a stuffed animal instead of a live one.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Action and adventure await you this Thursday, though not before hours of pointless exposition and predictable plot twists.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your claims that you can't do nothing right are incorrect. What you mean you to say is "can't do anything right."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    While it's true that your marriage isn't dead yet, the circling vultures and lurking coyotes can't be a good sign.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Turns out it's neither the heat nor the humidity, but rather a foot-long meatball sub that will cause all the sweating.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will drink from the well of wisdom this week, instantly learning all there is to know about contracting dysentery.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your flawless table manners, impeccable hygiene, and extensive vocabulary may seem strange to some, but then they've never met anyone raised by the Wolffs before.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Remember: Anything can be accomplished with enough grit, determination, and cups of black coffee.

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