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What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Jealousy, suspicion, and utter confusion will be yours this week when you find yourself at the center of a bizarre love rhombus.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The mere mention of your name strikes fear and terror in the hearts of men, though that's mainly because it's so difficult to pronounce.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars foresee a great number of failures, setbacks and letdowns in your future, but then pretty much anyone could have told you that.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Smuggling cocaine across the border is a delicate art. Next time try stashing it inside a stuffed animal instead of a live one.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Action and adventure await you this Thursday, though not before hours of pointless exposition and predictable plot twists.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your claims that you can't do nothing right are incorrect. What you mean you to say is "can't do anything right."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    While it's true that your marriage isn't dead yet, the circling vultures and lurking coyotes can't be a good sign.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Turns out it's neither the heat nor the humidity, but rather a foot-long meatball sub that will cause all the sweating.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will drink from the well of wisdom this week, instantly learning all there is to know about contracting dysentery.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your flawless table manners, impeccable hygiene, and extensive vocabulary may seem strange to some, but then they've never met anyone raised by the Wolffs before.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Remember: Anything can be accomplished with enough grit, determination, and cups of black coffee.

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