adBlockCheck

Your Horoscope

Top Headlines

Recent News

Charles Koch Orders Sniper To Fire Warning Shot Next To Marco Rubio On Debate Stage

GREENVILLE, SC—In response to the presidential candidate’s unsatisfactory answer to a question about the economic effects of environmental regulations, Koch Industries CEO Charles Koch reportedly ordered a sniper positioned in the rafters of the Greenville Peace Center to fire a warning shot near Marco Rubio’s podium during Saturday’s Republican debate.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Satisfaction

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Jealousy, suspicion, and utter confusion will be yours this week when you find yourself at the center of a bizarre love rhombus.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The mere mention of your name strikes fear and terror in the hearts of men, though that's mainly because it's so difficult to pronounce.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars foresee a great number of failures, setbacks and letdowns in your future, but then pretty much anyone could have told you that.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Smuggling cocaine across the border is a delicate art. Next time try stashing it inside a stuffed animal instead of a live one.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Action and adventure await you this Thursday, though not before hours of pointless exposition and predictable plot twists.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your claims that you can't do nothing right are incorrect. What you mean you to say is "can't do anything right."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    While it's true that your marriage isn't dead yet, the circling vultures and lurking coyotes can't be a good sign.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Turns out it's neither the heat nor the humidity, but rather a foot-long meatball sub that will cause all the sweating.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will drink from the well of wisdom this week, instantly learning all there is to know about contracting dysentery.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your flawless table manners, impeccable hygiene, and extensive vocabulary may seem strange to some, but then they've never met anyone raised by the Wolffs before.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Remember: Anything can be accomplished with enough grit, determination, and cups of black coffee.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close