Your Horoscope

In This Section

Vol 44 Issue 28

Life Expectancy Falls

A study at the Harvard Global Health Initiative shows that, for a segment of the population, life expectancy is lower now that in was in the early...
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Partying

Internet

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    There's nothing quite like the love of a real woman. Then again, if the plaster sets properly and the paint dries evenly, you'll have the next best thing.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    The answer you've been searching for lies right in front of your face, though it's difficult to make out with all that cheesecake in the way.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You didn't get into plumbing for the fame, the fortune, or the women. But one severely backed-up toilet will soon change all of that.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Turns out beauty marks are smaller than a grapefruit in size, are generally symmetrical in shape, and don't grow at the base of one's brain.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You'll fail to find happiness at the bottom of a bottle this week, but by that point you'll be too drunk to really care.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    All of your sins will come back to haunt you— especially those involving boomerangs, tether-balls, and vengeful homing pigeons.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Your financial situation takes a turn for the worse this week when that damn quarter slips loose and falls behind a sofa cushion.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Yelling "shark" and running around in a panic will only get you hurt, especially if you keep doing it at shady pool halls.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Your attempt to vandalize a series of 16th-century paintings will fail this week, since most already feature handlebar mustaches, wispy goatees, and racial epithets aimed at the Jews.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    No amount of rope can hold you back. Unless, of course, it's suspended from the ceiling of a middle-school gym.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    After everything is said and done, you'll continue to prattle on like a fucking idiot.
Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More