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NASA Deploys Congressional Rover To Search For Funding

WASHINGTON—Calling the program “the most crucial in the agency’s history,” researchers at NASA announced Wednesday they have successfully deployed a Special Exploratory Rover to Congress as part of an open-ended mission to seek out any possible trace of funding on Capitol Hill.

What The Planet Will Look Like In 2100

As scientists try to project the effects of climate change into the future, many of these forecasts only go as far as 2100, a year beyond which the alterations to our environment become much harder to predict. Here is a breakdown of what we can expect our world to look like in 2100

Your Horoscopes – Week of May 1, 2012

ARIES: You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Fatherhood

  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    There's nothing quite like the love of a real woman. Then again, if the plaster sets properly and the paint dries evenly, you'll have the next best thing.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The answer you've been searching for lies right in front of your face, though it's difficult to make out with all that cheesecake in the way.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You didn't get into plumbing for the fame, the fortune, or the women. But one severely backed-up toilet will soon change all of that.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Turns out beauty marks are smaller than a grapefruit in size, are generally symmetrical in shape, and don't grow at the base of one's brain.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll fail to find happiness at the bottom of a bottle this week, but by that point you'll be too drunk to really care.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    All of your sins will come back to haunt you— especially those involving boomerangs, tether-balls, and vengeful homing pigeons.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your financial situation takes a turn for the worse this week when that damn quarter slips loose and falls behind a sofa cushion.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Yelling "shark" and running around in a panic will only get you hurt, especially if you keep doing it at shady pool halls.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your attempt to vandalize a series of 16th-century paintings will fail this week, since most already feature handlebar mustaches, wispy goatees, and racial epithets aimed at the Jews.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    No amount of rope can hold you back. Unless, of course, it's suspended from the ceiling of a middle-school gym.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    After everything is said and done, you'll continue to prattle on like a fucking idiot.