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Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    There's nothing quite like the love of a real woman. Then again, if the plaster sets properly and the paint dries evenly, you'll have the next best thing.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The answer you've been searching for lies right in front of your face, though it's difficult to make out with all that cheesecake in the way.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You didn't get into plumbing for the fame, the fortune, or the women. But one severely backed-up toilet will soon change all of that.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Turns out beauty marks are smaller than a grapefruit in size, are generally symmetrical in shape, and don't grow at the base of one's brain.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll fail to find happiness at the bottom of a bottle this week, but by that point you'll be too drunk to really care.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    All of your sins will come back to haunt you— especially those involving boomerangs, tether-balls, and vengeful homing pigeons.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your financial situation takes a turn for the worse this week when that damn quarter slips loose and falls behind a sofa cushion.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Yelling "shark" and running around in a panic will only get you hurt, especially if you keep doing it at shady pool halls.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your attempt to vandalize a series of 16th-century paintings will fail this week, since most already feature handlebar mustaches, wispy goatees, and racial epithets aimed at the Jews.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    No amount of rope can hold you back. Unless, of course, it's suspended from the ceiling of a middle-school gym.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    After everything is said and done, you'll continue to prattle on like a fucking idiot.

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