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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You're not the type of person who gives up easily, forcing SWAT team officers to burst in through the skylight and aim for the head.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars, in their infinite wisdom, indicate that your entire future can be summed up in pretty much 20 words.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Paramedics will find you lying unconscious in the middle of the street, but not before putting the ambulance in reverse and running over you for a second time.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The secret to happiness will finally be yours this week, instantly making you miserable for not guessing it sooner.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Scientists will discover a new substance more dense than uranium and plutonium combined, at which point you'll kindly ask that they leave your home.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll finally catch the great white whale this week, only to realize the damned thing is just a metaphor.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    When offered a raise at work this week, smile politely, thank them kindly, and back out of the room with the dynamite still strapped to your chest.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your name, photo, and date of birth will soon figure prominently in your city's fight against teenage pregnancy.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You're a one-of-a-kind being, unique in the Universe and the most beloved in all Creation. Now then, can Capricorn borrow 10 bucks?
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Events following your gory beheading will prove that Broadway can make a musical out of anything.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It may just be a game to you, some silly and carefree diversion, but come on now—people are trying to play Parcheesi here.

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