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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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    Aries | March 21 to April 19

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    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars, in their infinite wisdom, indicate that your entire future can be summed up in pretty much 20 words.
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    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Paramedics will find you lying unconscious in the middle of the street, but not before putting the ambulance in reverse and running over you for a second time.
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    The secret to happiness will finally be yours this week, instantly making you miserable for not guessing it sooner.
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    You'll finally catch the great white whale this week, only to realize the damned thing is just a metaphor.
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    Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
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    When offered a raise at work this week, smile politely, thank them kindly, and back out of the room with the dynamite still strapped to your chest.
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    Your name, photo, and date of birth will soon figure prominently in your city's fight against teenage pregnancy.
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  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Events following your gory beheading will prove that Broadway can make a musical out of anything.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It may just be a game to you, some silly and carefree diversion, but come on now—people are trying to play Parcheesi here.

More from this section

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

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