adBlockCheck

Your Horoscope

Top Headlines

Recent News

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You're not the type of person who gives up easily, forcing SWAT team officers to burst in through the skylight and aim for the head.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars, in their infinite wisdom, indicate that your entire future can be summed up in pretty much 20 words.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Paramedics will find you lying unconscious in the middle of the street, but not before putting the ambulance in reverse and running over you for a second time.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The secret to happiness will finally be yours this week, instantly making you miserable for not guessing it sooner.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Scientists will discover a new substance more dense than uranium and plutonium combined, at which point you'll kindly ask that they leave your home.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll finally catch the great white whale this week, only to realize the damned thing is just a metaphor.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    When offered a raise at work this week, smile politely, thank them kindly, and back out of the room with the dynamite still strapped to your chest.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your name, photo, and date of birth will soon figure prominently in your city's fight against teenage pregnancy.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You're a one-of-a-kind being, unique in the Universe and the most beloved in all Creation. Now then, can Capricorn borrow 10 bucks?
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Events following your gory beheading will prove that Broadway can make a musical out of anything.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It may just be a game to you, some silly and carefree diversion, but come on now—people are trying to play Parcheesi here.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close