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Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You're not the type of person who gives up easily, forcing SWAT team officers to burst in through the skylight and aim for the head.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars, in their infinite wisdom, indicate that your entire future can be summed up in pretty much 20 words.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Paramedics will find you lying unconscious in the middle of the street, but not before putting the ambulance in reverse and running over you for a second time.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The secret to happiness will finally be yours this week, instantly making you miserable for not guessing it sooner.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Scientists will discover a new substance more dense than uranium and plutonium combined, at which point you'll kindly ask that they leave your home.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll finally catch the great white whale this week, only to realize the damned thing is just a metaphor.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    When offered a raise at work this week, smile politely, thank them kindly, and back out of the room with the dynamite still strapped to your chest.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your name, photo, and date of birth will soon figure prominently in your city's fight against teenage pregnancy.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You're a one-of-a-kind being, unique in the Universe and the most beloved in all Creation. Now then, can Capricorn borrow 10 bucks?
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Events following your gory beheading will prove that Broadway can make a musical out of anything.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It may just be a game to you, some silly and carefree diversion, but come on now—people are trying to play Parcheesi here.

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