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Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You're not the type of person who gives up easily, forcing SWAT team officers to burst in through the skylight and aim for the head.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars, in their infinite wisdom, indicate that your entire future can be summed up in pretty much 20 words.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Paramedics will find you lying unconscious in the middle of the street, but not before putting the ambulance in reverse and running over you for a second time.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The secret to happiness will finally be yours this week, instantly making you miserable for not guessing it sooner.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Scientists will discover a new substance more dense than uranium and plutonium combined, at which point you'll kindly ask that they leave your home.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll finally catch the great white whale this week, only to realize the damned thing is just a metaphor.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    When offered a raise at work this week, smile politely, thank them kindly, and back out of the room with the dynamite still strapped to your chest.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your name, photo, and date of birth will soon figure prominently in your city's fight against teenage pregnancy.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You're a one-of-a-kind being, unique in the Universe and the most beloved in all Creation. Now then, can Capricorn borrow 10 bucks?
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Events following your gory beheading will prove that Broadway can make a musical out of anything.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It may just be a game to you, some silly and carefree diversion, but come on now—people are trying to play Parcheesi here.

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