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Vol 44 Issue 29

McCain Addresses NAACP

Presumptive Republican presidential candidate John McCain spoke before the NAACP on Wednesday. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    You're not the type of person who gives up easily, forcing SWAT team officers to burst in through the skylight and aim for the head.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    The stars, in their infinite wisdom, indicate that your entire future can be summed up in pretty much 20 words.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Paramedics will find you lying unconscious in the middle of the street, but not before putting the ambulance in reverse and running over you for a second time.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    The secret to happiness will finally be yours this week, instantly making you miserable for not guessing it sooner.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Scientists will discover a new substance more dense than uranium and plutonium combined, at which point you'll kindly ask that they leave your home.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You'll finally catch the great white whale this week, only to realize the damned thing is just a metaphor.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    When offered a raise at work this week, smile politely, thank them kindly, and back out of the room with the dynamite still strapped to your chest.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Your name, photo, and date of birth will soon figure prominently in your city's fight against teenage pregnancy.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You're a one-of-a-kind being, unique in the Universe and the most beloved in all Creation. Now then, can Capricorn borrow 10 bucks?
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Events following your gory beheading will prove that Broadway can make a musical out of anything.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    It may just be a game to you, some silly and carefree diversion, but come on now—people are trying to play Parcheesi here.
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