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Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    They say that someone with half a brain could do your job, which is good news considering next week's debilitating stroke.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    God may have a divine plan for you, but after the coal mine disaster and the tour bus fire, you're beginning to suspect He's just making it up along the way.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll be reduced to a fraction of your former self this week when both your numerator and denominator are divided by 12.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Prom can be the most memorable night in a young girl's life. However, if the barbiturates do their job, she should still have trouble identifying you the next morning.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You've never been the athletic type, so it's a bit of a surprise when you're suddenly struck with a dozen errant javelins.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You're about to undergo a deeply religious experience. Unfortunately for you, it's the kind that involves being alienated, persecuted, and finally crucified.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars indicate that this is a good week to jump around as if on fire, seduce a species of rare crayfish, and find a new astrologist.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You and your partner will once again argue over money in bed, but then that's what you get for not agreeing to a price beforehand.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    There's no worse fate than dying alone. Thankfully, you'll be surrounded by hundreds of airline passengers when it happens.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll scream until you're blue in the face this week, which only makes sense, as you're screaming for the national independence of greater Scotland.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Remember: Just because they haven't found the bodies yet doesn't make it a victimless crime.


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