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Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    They say that someone with half a brain could do your job, which is good news considering next week's debilitating stroke.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    God may have a divine plan for you, but after the coal mine disaster and the tour bus fire, you're beginning to suspect He's just making it up along the way.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll be reduced to a fraction of your former self this week when both your numerator and denominator are divided by 12.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Prom can be the most memorable night in a young girl's life. However, if the barbiturates do their job, she should still have trouble identifying you the next morning.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You've never been the athletic type, so it's a bit of a surprise when you're suddenly struck with a dozen errant javelins.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You're about to undergo a deeply religious experience. Unfortunately for you, it's the kind that involves being alienated, persecuted, and finally crucified.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars indicate that this is a good week to jump around as if on fire, seduce a species of rare crayfish, and find a new astrologist.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You and your partner will once again argue over money in bed, but then that's what you get for not agreeing to a price beforehand.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    There's no worse fate than dying alone. Thankfully, you'll be surrounded by hundreds of airline passengers when it happens.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll scream until you're blue in the face this week, which only makes sense, as you're screaming for the national independence of greater Scotland.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Remember: Just because they haven't found the bodies yet doesn't make it a victimless crime.

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