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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    They say that someone with half a brain could do your job, which is good news considering next week's debilitating stroke.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    God may have a divine plan for you, but after the coal mine disaster and the tour bus fire, you're beginning to suspect He's just making it up along the way.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll be reduced to a fraction of your former self this week when both your numerator and denominator are divided by 12.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Prom can be the most memorable night in a young girl's life. However, if the barbiturates do their job, she should still have trouble identifying you the next morning.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You've never been the athletic type, so it's a bit of a surprise when you're suddenly struck with a dozen errant javelins.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You're about to undergo a deeply religious experience. Unfortunately for you, it's the kind that involves being alienated, persecuted, and finally crucified.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars indicate that this is a good week to jump around as if on fire, seduce a species of rare crayfish, and find a new astrologist.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You and your partner will once again argue over money in bed, but then that's what you get for not agreeing to a price beforehand.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    There's no worse fate than dying alone. Thankfully, you'll be surrounded by hundreds of airline passengers when it happens.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll scream until you're blue in the face this week, which only makes sense, as you're screaming for the national independence of greater Scotland.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Remember: Just because they haven't found the bodies yet doesn't make it a victimless crime.

More from this section

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

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