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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll feel like a million bucks this week when security guards escort you across town, unload you from the back of an armored truck, and lock you deep inside a bank vault.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Life as you know it will cease to exist, which, considering how you spend your time, can only be a good thing.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll work your special brand of magic on a group of attractive women, instantly boring them with a series of card tricks and linking rings.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The rise of Uranus in your sign indicates great loss and misfortune, but you'll be too busy giggling to yourself to really notice.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Like Dr. Doolittle, you've always been able to talk to the animals. Unfortunately, this has more to do with your crippling loneliness than any special talent or gift.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll be green with envy this week, before becoming red with anger, blue with sorrow, and finally purple with complete lack of oxygen.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Shame will be yours this week when you discover that not only were you conceived in the back of your parent's Buick, but that it was filled with a dozen test tubes at the time.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Avoiding personal questions may be one thing, but throwing down a series of smoke bombs and escaping in the ensuing chaos is just plain rude.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    By the end of the week, you'll have only one arm, three toes, and four teeth left with which to learn from your mistakes.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Little boys and girls will continue to ask you where babies come from, baffling everyone with how they're getting into your apartment.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Despite the promise of a new car, an all-expense-paid trip to Greece, and a four-piece living room set, you'll once again go for the box with the question mark on it.
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