Aries | March 21 to April 19
You'll feel like a million bucks this week when security guards escort you across town, unload you from the back of an armored truck, and lock you deep inside a bank vault.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Life as you know it will cease to exist, which, considering how you spend your time, can only be a good thing.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You'll work your special brand of magic on a group of attractive women, instantly boring them with a series of card tricks and linking rings.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
The rise of Uranus in your sign indicates great loss and misfortune, but you'll be too busy giggling to yourself to really notice.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Like Dr. Doolittle, you've always been able to talk to the animals. Unfortunately, this has more to do with your crippling loneliness than any special talent or gift.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You'll be green with envy this week, before becoming red with anger, blue with sorrow, and finally purple with complete lack of oxygen.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Shame will be yours this week when you discover that not only were you conceived in the back of your parent's Buick, but that it was filled with a dozen test tubes at the time.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Avoiding personal questions may be one thing, but throwing down a series of smoke bombs and escaping in the ensuing chaos is just plain rude.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
By the end of the week, you'll have only one arm, three toes, and four teeth left with which to learn from your mistakes.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Little boys and girls will continue to ask you where babies come from, baffling everyone with how they're getting into your apartment.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Despite the promise of a new car, an all-expense-paid trip to Greece, and a four-piece living room set, you'll once again go for the box with the question mark on it.
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