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Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll feel like a million bucks this week when security guards escort you across town, unload you from the back of an armored truck, and lock you deep inside a bank vault.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Life as you know it will cease to exist, which, considering how you spend your time, can only be a good thing.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll work your special brand of magic on a group of attractive women, instantly boring them with a series of card tricks and linking rings.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The rise of Uranus in your sign indicates great loss and misfortune, but you'll be too busy giggling to yourself to really notice.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Like Dr. Doolittle, you've always been able to talk to the animals. Unfortunately, this has more to do with your crippling loneliness than any special talent or gift.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll be green with envy this week, before becoming red with anger, blue with sorrow, and finally purple with complete lack of oxygen.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Shame will be yours this week when you discover that not only were you conceived in the back of your parent's Buick, but that it was filled with a dozen test tubes at the time.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Avoiding personal questions may be one thing, but throwing down a series of smoke bombs and escaping in the ensuing chaos is just plain rude.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    By the end of the week, you'll have only one arm, three toes, and four teeth left with which to learn from your mistakes.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Little boys and girls will continue to ask you where babies come from, baffling everyone with how they're getting into your apartment.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Despite the promise of a new car, an all-expense-paid trip to Greece, and a four-piece living room set, you'll once again go for the box with the question mark on it.


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