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Vol 44 Issue 31

L.A. Bans Fast Food

The Los Angeles City Council passed a one-year moratorium on new fast-food establishments opening in South Los Angeles where 30 percent of the...
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    You'll feel like a million bucks this week when security guards escort you across town, unload you from the back of an armored truck, and lock you deep inside a bank vault.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Life as you know it will cease to exist, which, considering how you spend your time, can only be a good thing.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You'll work your special brand of magic on a group of attractive women, instantly boring them with a series of card tricks and linking rings.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    The rise of Uranus in your sign indicates great loss and misfortune, but you'll be too busy giggling to yourself to really notice.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Like Dr. Doolittle, you've always been able to talk to the animals. Unfortunately, this has more to do with your crippling loneliness than any special talent or gift.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You'll be green with envy this week, before becoming red with anger, blue with sorrow, and finally purple with complete lack of oxygen.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Shame will be yours this week when you discover that not only were you conceived in the back of your parent's Buick, but that it was filled with a dozen test tubes at the time.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Avoiding personal questions may be one thing, but throwing down a series of smoke bombs and escaping in the ensuing chaos is just plain rude.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    By the end of the week, you'll have only one arm, three toes, and four teeth left with which to learn from your mistakes.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Little boys and girls will continue to ask you where babies come from, baffling everyone with how they're getting into your apartment.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Despite the promise of a new car, an all-expense-paid trip to Greece, and a four-piece living room set, you'll once again go for the box with the question mark on it.
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