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How To Reform The Nation’s Prison System

With pressing issues such as overcrowding, overuse of solitary confinement, and the long-term incarceration of nonviolent offenders, many critics of the nation’s prison system are calling for sweeping reforms. Here are some of the proposals to improve the prison system:

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll feel like a million bucks this week when security guards escort you across town, unload you from the back of an armored truck, and lock you deep inside a bank vault.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Life as you know it will cease to exist, which, considering how you spend your time, can only be a good thing.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll work your special brand of magic on a group of attractive women, instantly boring them with a series of card tricks and linking rings.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The rise of Uranus in your sign indicates great loss and misfortune, but you'll be too busy giggling to yourself to really notice.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Like Dr. Doolittle, you've always been able to talk to the animals. Unfortunately, this has more to do with your crippling loneliness than any special talent or gift.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll be green with envy this week, before becoming red with anger, blue with sorrow, and finally purple with complete lack of oxygen.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Shame will be yours this week when you discover that not only were you conceived in the back of your parent's Buick, but that it was filled with a dozen test tubes at the time.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Avoiding personal questions may be one thing, but throwing down a series of smoke bombs and escaping in the ensuing chaos is just plain rude.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    By the end of the week, you'll have only one arm, three toes, and four teeth left with which to learn from your mistakes.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Little boys and girls will continue to ask you where babies come from, baffling everyone with how they're getting into your apartment.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Despite the promise of a new car, an all-expense-paid trip to Greece, and a four-piece living room set, you'll once again go for the box with the question mark on it.