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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars predict devastating floods, crushing famines, and the rise of a blood-soaked moon in the night's sky. But enough about your mom.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Clear and open communication is the key to a successful marriage. Signal to your wife that you love her using the semaphoric alphabet.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Remember: While resorting to violence is never the answer, starting off with violence almost always is.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Lately it seems like you can't say anything without people getting hurt. Don't be alarmed: You're just a terrible hostage negotiator.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Animal rights activists will call your method of killing livestock "cruel" and "inhumane," but then that's what you get for sending poultry to the electric chair.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Love is like a butterfly. Hold it too tight and you'll crush it. Hold it too loose and it'll end up fucking your best friend.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your cold and hardened exterior will finally crack this week, but not before the jackhammers, pneumatic drills and Freudian psychoanalysts are called in to help.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You can kick and scream and flail around all you want, but it's not going to change the fact that you never learned how to dance.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Avoid any and all mirrors, reflecting pools of water, and photographic cameras this week. Trust the stars on this one.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll be the victim of a gypsy curse this week when a Romanian villager points at your head, closes her bright green eyes, and calls you a "fucking asshole."

More from this section

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

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