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New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars predict devastating floods, crushing famines, and the rise of a blood-soaked moon in the night's sky. But enough about your mom.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Clear and open communication is the key to a successful marriage. Signal to your wife that you love her using the semaphoric alphabet.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Remember: While resorting to violence is never the answer, starting off with violence almost always is.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Lately it seems like you can't say anything without people getting hurt. Don't be alarmed: You're just a terrible hostage negotiator.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Animal rights activists will call your method of killing livestock "cruel" and "inhumane," but then that's what you get for sending poultry to the electric chair.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Love is like a butterfly. Hold it too tight and you'll crush it. Hold it too loose and it'll end up fucking your best friend.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your cold and hardened exterior will finally crack this week, but not before the jackhammers, pneumatic drills and Freudian psychoanalysts are called in to help.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You can kick and scream and flail around all you want, but it's not going to change the fact that you never learned how to dance.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Avoid any and all mirrors, reflecting pools of water, and photographic cameras this week. Trust the stars on this one.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll be the victim of a gypsy curse this week when a Romanian villager points at your head, closes her bright green eyes, and calls you a "fucking asshole."

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