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How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars predict devastating floods, crushing famines, and the rise of a blood-soaked moon in the night's sky. But enough about your mom.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Clear and open communication is the key to a successful marriage. Signal to your wife that you love her using the semaphoric alphabet.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Remember: While resorting to violence is never the answer, starting off with violence almost always is.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Lately it seems like you can't say anything without people getting hurt. Don't be alarmed: You're just a terrible hostage negotiator.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Animal rights activists will call your method of killing livestock "cruel" and "inhumane," but then that's what you get for sending poultry to the electric chair.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Love is like a butterfly. Hold it too tight and you'll crush it. Hold it too loose and it'll end up fucking your best friend.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your cold and hardened exterior will finally crack this week, but not before the jackhammers, pneumatic drills and Freudian psychoanalysts are called in to help.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You can kick and scream and flail around all you want, but it's not going to change the fact that you never learned how to dance.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Avoid any and all mirrors, reflecting pools of water, and photographic cameras this week. Trust the stars on this one.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll be the victim of a gypsy curse this week when a Romanian villager points at your head, closes her bright green eyes, and calls you a "fucking asshole."

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