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New York City Abuzz Over New Resident

NEW YORK—With word spreading rapidly through office towers, apartment buildings, and across all five boroughs, sources confirmed Friday that New Yorkers were abuzz over reports that a new resident had moved to the city.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Ranking Women Somehow Not Issue In Miss USA Debacle

NEW YORK—As backlash against the Miss USA pageant continues to spread following controversial anti-immigration remarks made by the contest’s owner, Donald Trump, sources confirmed this week that the overt ranking of women is somehow not a part of the ongoing nationwide outrage.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars predict devastating floods, crushing famines, and the rise of a blood-soaked moon in the night's sky. But enough about your mom.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Clear and open communication is the key to a successful marriage. Signal to your wife that you love her using the semaphoric alphabet.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Remember: While resorting to violence is never the answer, starting off with violence almost always is.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Lately it seems like you can't say anything without people getting hurt. Don't be alarmed: You're just a terrible hostage negotiator.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Animal rights activists will call your method of killing livestock "cruel" and "inhumane," but then that's what you get for sending poultry to the electric chair.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Love is like a butterfly. Hold it too tight and you'll crush it. Hold it too loose and it'll end up fucking your best friend.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your cold and hardened exterior will finally crack this week, but not before the jackhammers, pneumatic drills and Freudian psychoanalysts are called in to help.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You can kick and scream and flail around all you want, but it's not going to change the fact that you never learned how to dance.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Avoid any and all mirrors, reflecting pools of water, and photographic cameras this week. Trust the stars on this one.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll be the victim of a gypsy curse this week when a Romanian villager points at your head, closes her bright green eyes, and calls you a "fucking asshole."
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