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Vol 44 Issue 33

U.S. Driving Less

Americans drove 53.2 billion fewer miles in the past nine months than they did in a comparable period a year ago. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    You'll finally get a taste of your own medicine this week, which is unfortunate, as you're the nation's leading supplier of horse laxatives.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    The stars, in their infinite wisdom, indicate that you have something on your shirt. Also the stars indicate that you always fall for that one.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    They say there's plenty of fish in the sea, but everything you catch is either covered in scales, has concentrated levels of mercury, or suffers from deep-seated abandonment issues.
  • Leo

    Leo

    After years of being an emotionless drone, you'll finally break down and cry this week, instantly rusting your metal hinges and joints.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You've always wondered what kind of father you'd be. Now with the children out of the way, you'll have plenty of time to figure it out.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Remember: A penny saved is a harsh and unflattering reputation earned.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You're not the type of person who takes things personally, making it very hard for friends to openly insult you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    The green-eyed monster will rear its ugly head this week, flash a knowing smile, and return to making love to your former wife.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You'll allow your children to pick out a dog of their choosing. Unfortunately, you'll do this at the betting track.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Decades of trying to make sense of the world will come to an embarrassing end this week when you realize you've been staring at the damn thing upside-down.
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