adBlockCheck

Your Horoscope

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll finally get a taste of your own medicine this week, which is unfortunate, as you're the nation's leading supplier of horse laxatives.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars, in their infinite wisdom, indicate that you have something on your shirt. Also the stars indicate that you always fall for that one.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    They say there's plenty of fish in the sea, but everything you catch is either covered in scales, has concentrated levels of mercury, or suffers from deep-seated abandonment issues.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    After years of being an emotionless drone, you'll finally break down and cry this week, instantly rusting your metal hinges and joints.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You've always wondered what kind of father you'd be. Now with the children out of the way, you'll have plenty of time to figure it out.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Remember: A penny saved is a harsh and unflattering reputation earned.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You're not the type of person who takes things personally, making it very hard for friends to openly insult you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The green-eyed monster will rear its ugly head this week, flash a knowing smile, and return to making love to your former wife.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll allow your children to pick out a dog of their choosing. Unfortunately, you'll do this at the betting track.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Decades of trying to make sense of the world will come to an embarrassing end this week when you realize you've been staring at the damn thing upside-down.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close