Aries | March 21 to April 19
You'll finally get a taste of your own medicine this week, which is unfortunate, as you're the nation's leading supplier of horse laxatives.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The stars, in their infinite wisdom, indicate that you have something on your shirt. Also the stars indicate that you always fall for that one.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
They say there's plenty of fish in the sea, but everything you catch is either covered in scales, has concentrated levels of mercury, or suffers from deep-seated abandonment issues.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
After years of being an emotionless drone, you'll finally break down and cry this week, instantly rusting your metal hinges and joints.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You've always wondered what kind of father you'd be. Now with the children out of the way, you'll have plenty of time to figure it out.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Remember: A penny saved is a harsh and unflattering reputation earned.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You're not the type of person who takes things personally, making it very hard for friends to openly insult you.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
The green-eyed monster will rear its ugly head this week, flash a knowing smile, and return to making love to your former wife.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You'll allow your children to pick out a dog of their choosing. Unfortunately, you'll do this at the betting track.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Decades of trying to make sense of the world will come to an embarrassing end this week when you realize you've been staring at the damn thing upside-down.
WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION