adBlockCheck

Recent News

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
End Of Section
  • More News

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll lean on friends and family members this week, slowly drowning all of them when your boat capsizes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Love can move mountains and part the seas, but this week it'll be mainly used to terrorize women.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your biggest enemy is yourself. Smash him over the head with a large frying pan when he's not looking.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The important thing is that you tried. Not that you failed. Which you did. Though that's not important. No, the fact that you failed is not important at all.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll draw a line in the sand this week, followed by two other lines, a large half-circle and several small curlicues. At this point, people will call you disgusting.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You've always had a funny way of showing affection, which is unfortunate, as your wife's getting pretty tired of all the pies in the face.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A lump in your left breast will soon confirm what you've long feared: You have breasts now.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Life will sneak up on you when you least expect it this week, knock you unconscious with a baseball bat, and drag your motionless body into a nearby alleyway.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    If only those jerks from high school could see you now. Too bad you're still completely invisible to most of them.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your failure to follow last week's horoscope has resulted in the loss of thousands of innocent lives.
More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close