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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll lean on friends and family members this week, slowly drowning all of them when your boat capsizes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Love can move mountains and part the seas, but this week it'll be mainly used to terrorize women.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your biggest enemy is yourself. Smash him over the head with a large frying pan when he's not looking.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The important thing is that you tried. Not that you failed. Which you did. Though that's not important. No, the fact that you failed is not important at all.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll draw a line in the sand this week, followed by two other lines, a large half-circle and several small curlicues. At this point, people will call you disgusting.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You've always had a funny way of showing affection, which is unfortunate, as your wife's getting pretty tired of all the pies in the face.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A lump in your left breast will soon confirm what you've long feared: You have breasts now.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Life will sneak up on you when you least expect it this week, knock you unconscious with a baseball bat, and drag your motionless body into a nearby alleyway.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    If only those jerks from high school could see you now. Too bad you're still completely invisible to most of them.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your failure to follow last week's horoscope has resulted in the loss of thousands of innocent lives.

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