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Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll lean on friends and family members this week, slowly drowning all of them when your boat capsizes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Love can move mountains and part the seas, but this week it'll be mainly used to terrorize women.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your biggest enemy is yourself. Smash him over the head with a large frying pan when he's not looking.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The important thing is that you tried. Not that you failed. Which you did. Though that's not important. No, the fact that you failed is not important at all.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll draw a line in the sand this week, followed by two other lines, a large half-circle and several small curlicues. At this point, people will call you disgusting.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You've always had a funny way of showing affection, which is unfortunate, as your wife's getting pretty tired of all the pies in the face.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A lump in your left breast will soon confirm what you've long feared: You have breasts now.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Life will sneak up on you when you least expect it this week, knock you unconscious with a baseball bat, and drag your motionless body into a nearby alleyway.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    If only those jerks from high school could see you now. Too bad you're still completely invisible to most of them.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your failure to follow last week's horoscope has resulted in the loss of thousands of innocent lives.


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