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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Fate has something special in store for Taurus this week, though to be fair, that's not what the other kids will call him.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Remember: It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then, it's a challenging scavenger hunt.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll awake to find a complete stranger in your bed this week, but then it's been years since you last recognized your wife.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Friends will soon think of you every time a gasoline truck crashes into the side of a burning building.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Police officials will quickly rule you out as a suspect in the Case Of The Recently Showered Burglar.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Nothing can replace the bliss and euphoria of a runner's high. Still, lugging around all that vodka is really starting to slow you down.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    By the end of the week, you'll be the nation's foremost expert on muskrat attacks, industrial glue mishaps, and rare Egyptian curses.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Bringing a child into the world might seem cruel to you, but you're going to have to let him out of the basement at some point.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll set a new record for most meatball sandwiches consumed in an hour, or at least you would have, had you waited for the judges to arrive.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Don't let anyone call you a coward this week. Unless, of course, they happen to be much bigger than you.
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