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Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Fate has something special in store for Taurus this week, though to be fair, that's not what the other kids will call him.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Remember: It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then, it's a challenging scavenger hunt.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll awake to find a complete stranger in your bed this week, but then it's been years since you last recognized your wife.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Friends will soon think of you every time a gasoline truck crashes into the side of a burning building.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Police officials will quickly rule you out as a suspect in the Case Of The Recently Showered Burglar.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Nothing can replace the bliss and euphoria of a runner's high. Still, lugging around all that vodka is really starting to slow you down.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    By the end of the week, you'll be the nation's foremost expert on muskrat attacks, industrial glue mishaps, and rare Egyptian curses.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Bringing a child into the world might seem cruel to you, but you're going to have to let him out of the basement at some point.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll set a new record for most meatball sandwiches consumed in an hour, or at least you would have, had you waited for the judges to arrive.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Don't let anyone call you a coward this week. Unless, of course, they happen to be much bigger than you.

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