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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Fate has something special in store for Taurus this week, though to be fair, that's not what the other kids will call him.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Remember: It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then, it's a challenging scavenger hunt.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll awake to find a complete stranger in your bed this week, but then it's been years since you last recognized your wife.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Friends will soon think of you every time a gasoline truck crashes into the side of a burning building.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Police officials will quickly rule you out as a suspect in the Case Of The Recently Showered Burglar.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Nothing can replace the bliss and euphoria of a runner's high. Still, lugging around all that vodka is really starting to slow you down.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    By the end of the week, you'll be the nation's foremost expert on muskrat attacks, industrial glue mishaps, and rare Egyptian curses.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Bringing a child into the world might seem cruel to you, but you're going to have to let him out of the basement at some point.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll set a new record for most meatball sandwiches consumed in an hour, or at least you would have, had you waited for the judges to arrive.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Don't let anyone call you a coward this week. Unless, of course, they happen to be much bigger than you.

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