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Vol 44 Issue 35

Mugabe Heckled By Parliament

President Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe was loudly derided as a murderer by the Movement for Democratic Change as he opened a meeting of parliament. What...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

    The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Fate has something special in store for Taurus this week, though to be fair, that's not what the other kids will call him.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Remember: It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then, it's a challenging scavenger hunt.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You'll awake to find a complete stranger in your bed this week, but then it's been years since you last recognized your wife.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Friends will soon think of you every time a gasoline truck crashes into the side of a burning building.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Police officials will quickly rule you out as a suspect in the Case Of The Recently Showered Burglar.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Nothing can replace the bliss and euphoria of a runner's high. Still, lugging around all that vodka is really starting to slow you down.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    By the end of the week, you'll be the nation's foremost expert on muskrat attacks, industrial glue mishaps, and rare Egyptian curses.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Bringing a child into the world might seem cruel to you, but you're going to have to let him out of the basement at some point.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You'll set a new record for most meatball sandwiches consumed in an hour, or at least you would have, had you waited for the judges to arrive.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Don't let anyone call you a coward this week. Unless, of course, they happen to be much bigger than you.
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