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New York City Abuzz Over New Resident

NEW YORK—With word spreading rapidly through office towers, apartment buildings, and across all five boroughs, sources confirmed Friday that New Yorkers were abuzz over reports that a new resident had moved to the city.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Ranking Women Somehow Not Issue In Miss USA Debacle

NEW YORK—As backlash against the Miss USA pageant continues to spread following controversial anti-immigration remarks made by the contest’s owner, Donald Trump, sources confirmed this week that the overt ranking of women is somehow not a part of the ongoing nationwide outrage.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Though you are a vindictive, cruel, and miserable son of a bitch, you will be rewarded with great happiness and good fortune this week. This is just how the universe works.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Try as you might, you will be unable to convince the judge that the big jewel heist was all the monkey's idea.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Joy and meaning will return to your life this week when you discover a wondrous and magical substance your dealer calls "Angel Dust."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The inaccuracy of your last 17 horoscopes finally leads you to a inescapable conclusion: You are actually a Libra.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It's been a good life, but you always knew the day would come when the owls would finally catch up with you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your wildest dreams are about to come true, much to the horror of your high-school gym teacher, several large pumpkins, and a pair of bedroom handcuffs.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll laugh in the face of danger this week, but in a way where it'll be obvious you're just masking your fear.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Remember: Crying in public doesn't make you any less of a man. It does, however, make you more of a woman.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Wanton murder, scorching betrayal, and a love that knows no bounds will soon mark the end of your third and final act.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Being in a relationship means having to make certain sacrifices. Keep slaying those goats to prevent your wife from leaving you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Next week, you will suffer a broken heart, or whatever it is you call it when all your aortic valves tear loose at once.
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