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How To Talk To Your Child About Death

When your family has experienced a loss, it can be a difficult concept for young children to process. The Onion breaks down the best ways to converse with your child about the realities of death

Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.

NASA Deploys Congressional Rover To Search For Funding

WASHINGTON—Calling the program “the most crucial in the agency’s history,” researchers at NASA announced Wednesday they have successfully deployed a Special Exploratory Rover to Congress as part of an open-ended mission to seek out any possible trace of funding on Capitol Hill.

What The Planet Will Look Like In 2100

As scientists try to project the effects of climate change into the future, many of these forecasts only go as far as 2100, a year beyond which the alterations to our environment become much harder to predict. Here is a breakdown of what we can expect our world to look like in 2100
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  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Though you are a vindictive, cruel, and miserable son of a bitch, you will be rewarded with great happiness and good fortune this week. This is just how the universe works.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Try as you might, you will be unable to convince the judge that the big jewel heist was all the monkey's idea.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Joy and meaning will return to your life this week when you discover a wondrous and magical substance your dealer calls "Angel Dust."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The inaccuracy of your last 17 horoscopes finally leads you to a inescapable conclusion: You are actually a Libra.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It's been a good life, but you always knew the day would come when the owls would finally catch up with you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your wildest dreams are about to come true, much to the horror of your high-school gym teacher, several large pumpkins, and a pair of bedroom handcuffs.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll laugh in the face of danger this week, but in a way where it'll be obvious you're just masking your fear.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Remember: Crying in public doesn't make you any less of a man. It does, however, make you more of a woman.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Wanton murder, scorching betrayal, and a love that knows no bounds will soon mark the end of your third and final act.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Being in a relationship means having to make certain sacrifices. Keep slaying those goats to prevent your wife from leaving you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Next week, you will suffer a broken heart, or whatever it is you call it when all your aortic valves tear loose at once.