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Vol 44 Issue 36

Cows Instinctively Know North

German and Czech researchers have discovered that cows tend to align themselves in a north-south direction when grazing or resting. What do...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    Though you are a vindictive, cruel, and miserable son of a bitch, you will be rewarded with great happiness and good fortune this week. This is just how the universe works.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Try as you might, you will be unable to convince the judge that the big jewel heist was all the monkey's idea.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Joy and meaning will return to your life this week when you discover a wondrous and magical substance your dealer calls "Angel Dust."
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    The inaccuracy of your last 17 horoscopes finally leads you to a inescapable conclusion: You are actually a Libra.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    It's been a good life, but you always knew the day would come when the owls would finally catch up with you.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Your wildest dreams are about to come true, much to the horror of your high-school gym teacher, several large pumpkins, and a pair of bedroom handcuffs.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You'll laugh in the face of danger this week, but in a way where it'll be obvious you're just masking your fear.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Remember: Crying in public doesn't make you any less of a man. It does, however, make you more of a woman.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Wanton murder, scorching betrayal, and a love that knows no bounds will soon mark the end of your third and final act.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Being in a relationship means having to make certain sacrifices. Keep slaying those goats to prevent your wife from leaving you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Next week, you will suffer a broken heart, or whatever it is you call it when all your aortic valves tear loose at once.
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