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Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Though you are a vindictive, cruel, and miserable son of a bitch, you will be rewarded with great happiness and good fortune this week. This is just how the universe works.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Try as you might, you will be unable to convince the judge that the big jewel heist was all the monkey's idea.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Joy and meaning will return to your life this week when you discover a wondrous and magical substance your dealer calls "Angel Dust."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The inaccuracy of your last 17 horoscopes finally leads you to a inescapable conclusion: You are actually a Libra.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It's been a good life, but you always knew the day would come when the owls would finally catch up with you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your wildest dreams are about to come true, much to the horror of your high-school gym teacher, several large pumpkins, and a pair of bedroom handcuffs.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll laugh in the face of danger this week, but in a way where it'll be obvious you're just masking your fear.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Remember: Crying in public doesn't make you any less of a man. It does, however, make you more of a woman.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Wanton murder, scorching betrayal, and a love that knows no bounds will soon mark the end of your third and final act.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Being in a relationship means having to make certain sacrifices. Keep slaying those goats to prevent your wife from leaving you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Next week, you will suffer a broken heart, or whatever it is you call it when all your aortic valves tear loose at once.


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