Aries | March 21 to April 19
Though you are a vindictive, cruel, and miserable son of a bitch, you will be rewarded with great happiness and good fortune this week. This is just how the universe works.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Try as you might, you will be unable to convince the judge that the big jewel heist was all the monkey's idea.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Joy and meaning will return to your life this week when you discover a wondrous and magical substance your dealer calls "Angel Dust."
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
The inaccuracy of your last 17 horoscopes finally leads you to a inescapable conclusion: You are actually a Libra.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
It's been a good life, but you always knew the day would come when the owls would finally catch up with you.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your wildest dreams are about to come true, much to the horror of your high-school gym teacher, several large pumpkins, and a pair of bedroom handcuffs.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You'll laugh in the face of danger this week, but in a way where it'll be obvious you're just masking your fear.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Remember: Crying in public doesn't make you any less of a man. It does, however, make you more of a woman.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Wanton murder, scorching betrayal, and a love that knows no bounds will soon mark the end of your third and final act.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Being in a relationship means having to make certain sacrifices. Keep slaying those goats to prevent your wife from leaving you.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Next week, you will suffer a broken heart, or whatever it is you call it when all your aortic valves tear loose at once.
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