adBlockCheck

Recent News

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
End Of Section
  • More News

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Though you are a vindictive, cruel, and miserable son of a bitch, you will be rewarded with great happiness and good fortune this week. This is just how the universe works.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Try as you might, you will be unable to convince the judge that the big jewel heist was all the monkey's idea.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Joy and meaning will return to your life this week when you discover a wondrous and magical substance your dealer calls "Angel Dust."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The inaccuracy of your last 17 horoscopes finally leads you to a inescapable conclusion: You are actually a Libra.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It's been a good life, but you always knew the day would come when the owls would finally catch up with you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your wildest dreams are about to come true, much to the horror of your high-school gym teacher, several large pumpkins, and a pair of bedroom handcuffs.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll laugh in the face of danger this week, but in a way where it'll be obvious you're just masking your fear.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Remember: Crying in public doesn't make you any less of a man. It does, however, make you more of a woman.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Wanton murder, scorching betrayal, and a love that knows no bounds will soon mark the end of your third and final act.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Being in a relationship means having to make certain sacrifices. Keep slaying those goats to prevent your wife from leaving you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Next week, you will suffer a broken heart, or whatever it is you call it when all your aortic valves tear loose at once.
More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close