Your Horoscope

Top Headlines

Recent News

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Palm-reading has long been used to foretell the future, but it won't really be an option for Aries after this Thursday.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The good news is that all that blood is actually ketchup. The bad news, however, is that all that ketchup is actually blood.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Yes, there's something growing inside of you, and yes, it's going to completely change your life, but nine months is being optimistic to say the least.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Smoking will finally kill you, but not in the way you or any of the other gas station attendants will see coming.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    When attracting a mate this week, emit several high-pitched calls, display your tail plumage in a colorful fan, and avoid getting arrested by horrified zoo officials.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    True beauty lies not on the surface, but deep within. Claw away at flesh and bone until you find it.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The natives will scream, and dance, and raise their fists in the air. But then, it's not everyday you win big at video poker.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Remember: Nobody said it was going to be a piece of cake. Or a walk in the park. Or what the hell they were even talking about in the first place.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Let the rhythmic lapping of the sea put your mind at ease this week—no matter how loud the shrieks for help seem to get.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Raising a family can feel like a circus act at times, especially the part where you whip your children back into their cages.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Due to a scheduling conflict, we now join this week's astrological prediction already in progress…


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close