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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Palm-reading has long been used to foretell the future, but it won't really be an option for Aries after this Thursday.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The good news is that all that blood is actually ketchup. The bad news, however, is that all that ketchup is actually blood.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Yes, there's something growing inside of you, and yes, it's going to completely change your life, but nine months is being optimistic to say the least.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Smoking will finally kill you, but not in the way you or any of the other gas station attendants will see coming.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    When attracting a mate this week, emit several high-pitched calls, display your tail plumage in a colorful fan, and avoid getting arrested by horrified zoo officials.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    True beauty lies not on the surface, but deep within. Claw away at flesh and bone until you find it.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The natives will scream, and dance, and raise their fists in the air. But then, it's not everyday you win big at video poker.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Remember: Nobody said it was going to be a piece of cake. Or a walk in the park. Or what the hell they were even talking about in the first place.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Let the rhythmic lapping of the sea put your mind at ease this week—no matter how loud the shrieks for help seem to get.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Raising a family can feel like a circus act at times, especially the part where you whip your children back into their cages.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Due to a scheduling conflict, we now join this week's astrological prediction already in progress…
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