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Vol 44 Issue 37

Ron Paul Endorses Third Parties

Former Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul has refused to endorse Sen. John McCain or Sen. Barack Obama, calling the race a charade and...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    Palm-reading has long been used to foretell the future, but it won't really be an option for Aries after this Thursday.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    The good news is that all that blood is actually ketchup. The bad news, however, is that all that ketchup is actually blood.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Yes, there's something growing inside of you, and yes, it's going to completely change your life, but nine months is being optimistic to say the least.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Smoking will finally kill you, but not in the way you or any of the other gas station attendants will see coming.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    When attracting a mate this week, emit several high-pitched calls, display your tail plumage in a colorful fan, and avoid getting arrested by horrified zoo officials.
  • Libra

    Libra

    True beauty lies not on the surface, but deep within. Claw away at flesh and bone until you find it.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    The natives will scream, and dance, and raise their fists in the air. But then, it's not everyday you win big at video poker.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Remember: Nobody said it was going to be a piece of cake. Or a walk in the park. Or what the hell they were even talking about in the first place.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Let the rhythmic lapping of the sea put your mind at ease this week—no matter how loud the shrieks for help seem to get.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Raising a family can feel like a circus act at times, especially the part where you whip your children back into their cages.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Due to a scheduling conflict, we now join this week's astrological prediction already in progress…
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