Aries | March 21 to April 19
It will hit you like a ton of bricks this week, which is misleading, as "it" is actually two tons of bricks.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Things are about to get hairy for Taurus, as well as bloody, and possibly gross. But then, that's puberty.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
The look on your face will be priceless this week, but due to the core temperature of molten steel, it won't last very long.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Catch all the exciting predictions, amazing revelations, and out-of-this-world prophecies in Leo IV: Revenge Of The Zodiac.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Don't let other people get you down. They have a lot more important things they could be doing right now.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Lately it may seem as if you're losing your mind, but don't worry: There's microwaves for every laughter and plaster wolverine.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You'll soon have a hit country music song on your hands, no matter how many times you try to scrub it off.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Everyone laughed when you fell down the stairs, but the joke will be on them this week, when it's revealed you were pregnant at the time.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You'll soon meet your maker, which, according to your model number and serial code, is the Globotech Corporation.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
The stars indicate financial success, new romantic interests, and complete spiritual fulfillment this week. There, are you happy now?
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The ladies all think you're a sex god, but unfortunately for you, they're still not buying the whole immaculate conception excuse.
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