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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    It will hit you like a ton of bricks this week, which is misleading, as "it" is actually two tons of bricks.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Things are about to get hairy for Taurus, as well as bloody, and possibly gross. But then, that's puberty.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The look on your face will be priceless this week, but due to the core temperature of molten steel, it won't last very long.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Catch all the exciting predictions, amazing revelations, and out-of-this-world prophecies in Leo IV: Revenge Of The Zodiac.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Don't let other people get you down. They have a lot more important things they could be doing right now.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Lately it may seem as if you're losing your mind, but don't worry: There's microwaves for every laughter and plaster wolverine.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll soon have a hit country music song on your hands, no matter how many times you try to scrub it off.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Everyone laughed when you fell down the stairs, but the joke will be on them this week, when it's revealed you were pregnant at the time.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll soon meet your maker, which, according to your model number and serial code, is the Globotech Corporation.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars indicate financial success, new romantic interests, and complete spiritual fulfillment this week. There, are you happy now?
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The ladies all think you're a sex god, but unfortunately for you, they're still not buying the whole immaculate conception excuse.

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