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Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    It will hit you like a ton of bricks this week, which is misleading, as "it" is actually two tons of bricks.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Things are about to get hairy for Taurus, as well as bloody, and possibly gross. But then, that's puberty.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The look on your face will be priceless this week, but due to the core temperature of molten steel, it won't last very long.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Catch all the exciting predictions, amazing revelations, and out-of-this-world prophecies in Leo IV: Revenge Of The Zodiac.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Don't let other people get you down. They have a lot more important things they could be doing right now.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Lately it may seem as if you're losing your mind, but don't worry: There's microwaves for every laughter and plaster wolverine.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll soon have a hit country music song on your hands, no matter how many times you try to scrub it off.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Everyone laughed when you fell down the stairs, but the joke will be on them this week, when it's revealed you were pregnant at the time.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll soon meet your maker, which, according to your model number and serial code, is the Globotech Corporation.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars indicate financial success, new romantic interests, and complete spiritual fulfillment this week. There, are you happy now?
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The ladies all think you're a sex god, but unfortunately for you, they're still not buying the whole immaculate conception excuse.


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