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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    It will hit you like a ton of bricks this week, which is misleading, as "it" is actually two tons of bricks.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Things are about to get hairy for Taurus, as well as bloody, and possibly gross. But then, that's puberty.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The look on your face will be priceless this week, but due to the core temperature of molten steel, it won't last very long.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Catch all the exciting predictions, amazing revelations, and out-of-this-world prophecies in Leo IV: Revenge Of The Zodiac.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Don't let other people get you down. They have a lot more important things they could be doing right now.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Lately it may seem as if you're losing your mind, but don't worry: There's microwaves for every laughter and plaster wolverine.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll soon have a hit country music song on your hands, no matter how many times you try to scrub it off.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Everyone laughed when you fell down the stairs, but the joke will be on them this week, when it's revealed you were pregnant at the time.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll soon meet your maker, which, according to your model number and serial code, is the Globotech Corporation.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars indicate financial success, new romantic interests, and complete spiritual fulfillment this week. There, are you happy now?
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The ladies all think you're a sex god, but unfortunately for you, they're still not buying the whole immaculate conception excuse.

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