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What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Four will be killed, 12 injured, and nearly 50 molested this week after your subconscious escapes free.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The training wheels will soon come off your bike, as will both regular wheels, the front and back brakes, each handlebar, and finally, you.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Red-bellied trout are known for traveling halfway across the country in search of a mate, but it's still a bit of a surprise when hundreds of them arrive at your doorstep.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Don't be afraid to ask loved ones for help this week. After all, they expect nothing less from a fuck-up like you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You always knew the day would come when the machines would rise up and take over the world, but never did you imagine it'd be so convenient.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After years of quiet introspection, you'll finally come out of your shell this week, disgusting everyone with your squirming, mucous-covered flesh.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    More and more, you're beginning to suspect you're just around to help move the plot forward.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Remember to count your blessings this week, as it's the last time you'll be able to perform mental arithmetic for months to come.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll soon owe the local police chief, resident fire marshal, and head zookeeper a rather large apology.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Despite their best efforts, rescue workers will fail to pull you out from beneath hundreds of pounds of stored fat this week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars indicate that—hoo, boy—that's definitely going to hurt.

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