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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Four will be killed, 12 injured, and nearly 50 molested this week after your subconscious escapes free.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The training wheels will soon come off your bike, as will both regular wheels, the front and back brakes, each handlebar, and finally, you.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Red-bellied trout are known for traveling halfway across the country in search of a mate, but it's still a bit of a surprise when hundreds of them arrive at your doorstep.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Don't be afraid to ask loved ones for help this week. After all, they expect nothing less from a fuck-up like you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You always knew the day would come when the machines would rise up and take over the world, but never did you imagine it'd be so convenient.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After years of quiet introspection, you'll finally come out of your shell this week, disgusting everyone with your squirming, mucous-covered flesh.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    More and more, you're beginning to suspect you're just around to help move the plot forward.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Remember to count your blessings this week, as it's the last time you'll be able to perform mental arithmetic for months to come.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll soon owe the local police chief, resident fire marshal, and head zookeeper a rather large apology.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Despite their best efforts, rescue workers will fail to pull you out from beneath hundreds of pounds of stored fat this week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars indicate that—hoo, boy—that's definitely going to hurt.
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