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Vol 44 Issue 39

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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    Four will be killed, 12 injured, and nearly 50 molested this week after your subconscious escapes free.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    The training wheels will soon come off your bike, as will both regular wheels, the front and back brakes, each handlebar, and finally, you.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Red-bellied trout are known for traveling halfway across the country in search of a mate, but it's still a bit of a surprise when hundreds of them arrive at your doorstep.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Don't be afraid to ask loved ones for help this week. After all, they expect nothing less from a fuck-up like you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You always knew the day would come when the machines would rise up and take over the world, but never did you imagine it'd be so convenient.
  • Libra

    Libra

    After years of quiet introspection, you'll finally come out of your shell this week, disgusting everyone with your squirming, mucous-covered flesh.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    More and more, you're beginning to suspect you're just around to help move the plot forward.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Remember to count your blessings this week, as it's the last time you'll be able to perform mental arithmetic for months to come.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You'll soon owe the local police chief, resident fire marshal, and head zookeeper a rather large apology.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Despite their best efforts, rescue workers will fail to pull you out from beneath hundreds of pounds of stored fat this week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    The stars indicate that—hoo, boy—that's definitely going to hurt.
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