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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A surprise awaits Taurus in the days to come, or whenever it is you have that physical scheduled for.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll be awarded the Nobel Prize For Not Paying Attention And Letting The Damn Rice Burn Again this week.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The stars will be out on vacation for the next several days. Please contact them at cancer17@gmail.com in the event of an astrological emergency.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll popularize a strange, but nonetheless memorable catchphrase this week after being accidentally set on fire.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Don't let your ego get in the way of important friendships this week. You're better than that. Much, much better than that.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You've always said there's nothing a little bit of sun couldn't cure, leading to your eventual death from both diabetes and skin cancer.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Tension mounts this week when interrogators crank the wooden vice another three and a half turns.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    All of the evidence will soon point to you, as will all of the witnesses, each and every one of the jurors, and most of the screaming chimpanzees.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll finally experience true and unconditional love this week, thanks to a partially open window shade.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars indicate that you have no impulse control, which explains why you're already on the other side of the room eating cake.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You may not be a marine biologist, or some leading whale expert, but you're pretty sure that's a blowhole you got there.

More from this section

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

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