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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A surprise awaits Taurus in the days to come, or whenever it is you have that physical scheduled for.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll be awarded the Nobel Prize For Not Paying Attention And Letting The Damn Rice Burn Again this week.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The stars will be out on vacation for the next several days. Please contact them at cancer17@gmail.com in the event of an astrological emergency.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll popularize a strange, but nonetheless memorable catchphrase this week after being accidentally set on fire.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Don't let your ego get in the way of important friendships this week. You're better than that. Much, much better than that.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You've always said there's nothing a little bit of sun couldn't cure, leading to your eventual death from both diabetes and skin cancer.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Tension mounts this week when interrogators crank the wooden vice another three and a half turns.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    All of the evidence will soon point to you, as will all of the witnesses, each and every one of the jurors, and most of the screaming chimpanzees.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll finally experience true and unconditional love this week, thanks to a partially open window shade.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars indicate that you have no impulse control, which explains why you're already on the other side of the room eating cake.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You may not be a marine biologist, or some leading whale expert, but you're pretty sure that's a blowhole you got there.

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