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Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A surprise awaits Taurus in the days to come, or whenever it is you have that physical scheduled for.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll be awarded the Nobel Prize For Not Paying Attention And Letting The Damn Rice Burn Again this week.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The stars will be out on vacation for the next several days. Please contact them at in the event of an astrological emergency.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll popularize a strange, but nonetheless memorable catchphrase this week after being accidentally set on fire.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Don't let your ego get in the way of important friendships this week. You're better than that. Much, much better than that.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You've always said there's nothing a little bit of sun couldn't cure, leading to your eventual death from both diabetes and skin cancer.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Tension mounts this week when interrogators crank the wooden vice another three and a half turns.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    All of the evidence will soon point to you, as will all of the witnesses, each and every one of the jurors, and most of the screaming chimpanzees.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll finally experience true and unconditional love this week, thanks to a partially open window shade.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars indicate that you have no impulse control, which explains why you're already on the other side of the room eating cake.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You may not be a marine biologist, or some leading whale expert, but you're pretty sure that's a blowhole you got there.


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