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Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A surprise awaits Taurus in the days to come, or whenever it is you have that physical scheduled for.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll be awarded the Nobel Prize For Not Paying Attention And Letting The Damn Rice Burn Again this week.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The stars will be out on vacation for the next several days. Please contact them at cancer17@gmail.com in the event of an astrological emergency.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll popularize a strange, but nonetheless memorable catchphrase this week after being accidentally set on fire.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Don't let your ego get in the way of important friendships this week. You're better than that. Much, much better than that.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You've always said there's nothing a little bit of sun couldn't cure, leading to your eventual death from both diabetes and skin cancer.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Tension mounts this week when interrogators crank the wooden vice another three and a half turns.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    All of the evidence will soon point to you, as will all of the witnesses, each and every one of the jurors, and most of the screaming chimpanzees.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll finally experience true and unconditional love this week, thanks to a partially open window shade.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars indicate that you have no impulse control, which explains why you're already on the other side of the room eating cake.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You may not be a marine biologist, or some leading whale expert, but you're pretty sure that's a blowhole you got there.

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