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Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will soon make a comfortable living exploiting other people's deep-seated anxieties and crippling social fears.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    When all is said and done, only you can make yourself feel bad. But that won't keep everyone else from trying.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your desire to join the winning team will take you in a strange new direction when you decide to fight on the side of lung cancer.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Buy yourself some extremely long bed sheets. You'll be making an escape rope out of them very soon.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    There are, in fact, good and evil twins, but a greater range of moral choices is available to you as a sextuplet.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You're not the kind of person who constantly goes around saying the sky is falling, making you ill-equipped to cope with the events of this Thursday.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Doctors caution that you cause extreme negative reactions—including rashes, vomiting, and hysteria—in women who may become pregnant.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It turns out that Andy Warhol overestimated the duration of your fame by about 14 and a half minutes.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Scientists agree that you are a unique and fascinating specimen, but there are no practical applications for you as yet.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You've made it your life's mission to find the best crab cakes in Boston. Truly, you're one of America's unsung heroes.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    If you've ever regretted not pursuing a career in bullfighting, this week may bring an accidental chance to start over.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You're nearly at the end of the longest, most difficult spirit-journey of your life. Be prepared for a difficult and boring period of spirit-unpacking.


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