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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.
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  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will soon make a comfortable living exploiting other people's deep-seated anxieties and crippling social fears.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    When all is said and done, only you can make yourself feel bad. But that won't keep everyone else from trying.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your desire to join the winning team will take you in a strange new direction when you decide to fight on the side of lung cancer.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Buy yourself some extremely long bed sheets. You'll be making an escape rope out of them very soon.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    There are, in fact, good and evil twins, but a greater range of moral choices is available to you as a sextuplet.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You're not the kind of person who constantly goes around saying the sky is falling, making you ill-equipped to cope with the events of this Thursday.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Doctors caution that you cause extreme negative reactions—including rashes, vomiting, and hysteria—in women who may become pregnant.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It turns out that Andy Warhol overestimated the duration of your fame by about 14 and a half minutes.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Scientists agree that you are a unique and fascinating specimen, but there are no practical applications for you as yet.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You've made it your life's mission to find the best crab cakes in Boston. Truly, you're one of America's unsung heroes.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    If you've ever regretted not pursuing a career in bullfighting, this week may bring an accidental chance to start over.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You're nearly at the end of the longest, most difficult spirit-journey of your life. Be prepared for a difficult and boring period of spirit-unpacking.

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