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1783: First Onion Issue

Historical Archives: Kid-ney Bean Shaped Organ Recently Discovered

By Chirurgeons and Blood-Letters, in Boston DISCOVER'D, an Organelle of the Body, an' that Human; excis'd from the Back & Mottl'd Purple in Colour, and very like a Kiddney-Bean in SHAPE, which when Remov'd causes Expiration, as with all Organs. By Chirurgeons and Blood-Letters, in Boston DISCOVER'D, an...
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    You will soon make a comfortable living exploiting other people's deep-seated anxieties and crippling social fears.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    When all is said and done, only you can make yourself feel bad. But that won't keep everyone else from trying.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Your desire to join the winning team will take you in a strange new direction when you decide to fight on the side of lung cancer.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Buy yourself some extremely long bed sheets. You'll be making an escape rope out of them very soon.
  • Leo

    Leo

    There are, in fact, good and evil twins, but a greater range of moral choices is available to you as a sextuplet.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You're not the kind of person who constantly goes around saying the sky is falling, making you ill-equipped to cope with the events of this Thursday.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Doctors caution that you cause extreme negative reactions—including rashes, vomiting, and hysteria—in women who may become pregnant.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    It turns out that Andy Warhol overestimated the duration of your fame by about 14 and a half minutes.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Scientists agree that you are a unique and fascinating specimen, but there are no practical applications for you as yet.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You've made it your life's mission to find the best crab cakes in Boston. Truly, you're one of America's unsung heroes.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    If you've ever regretted not pursuing a career in bullfighting, this week may bring an accidental chance to start over.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You're nearly at the end of the longest, most difficult spirit-journey of your life. Be prepared for a difficult and boring period of spirit-unpacking.
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