adBlockCheck

Recent News

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
End Of Section
  • More News

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will soon make a comfortable living exploiting other people's deep-seated anxieties and crippling social fears.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    When all is said and done, only you can make yourself feel bad. But that won't keep everyone else from trying.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your desire to join the winning team will take you in a strange new direction when you decide to fight on the side of lung cancer.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Buy yourself some extremely long bed sheets. You'll be making an escape rope out of them very soon.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    There are, in fact, good and evil twins, but a greater range of moral choices is available to you as a sextuplet.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You're not the kind of person who constantly goes around saying the sky is falling, making you ill-equipped to cope with the events of this Thursday.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Doctors caution that you cause extreme negative reactions—including rashes, vomiting, and hysteria—in women who may become pregnant.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It turns out that Andy Warhol overestimated the duration of your fame by about 14 and a half minutes.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Scientists agree that you are a unique and fascinating specimen, but there are no practical applications for you as yet.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You've made it your life's mission to find the best crab cakes in Boston. Truly, you're one of America's unsung heroes.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    If you've ever regretted not pursuing a career in bullfighting, this week may bring an accidental chance to start over.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You're nearly at the end of the longest, most difficult spirit-journey of your life. Be prepared for a difficult and boring period of spirit-unpacking.
More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close