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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll find it difficult to point out your assailant in court next week, but that's mainly because of what he'll have done to your hands.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Have the stars told you how wonderful you've looked lately? And how great it would be if you could check in on their cats this weekend?
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've always believed women to be your one true weakness, but as it turns out, it's leaving ground forces exposed to a sudden pincer-style attack.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Banking on its growing popularity, Cancer will launch an all-new astrological spin-off starting this fall. Keep an eye out for Cancer: The College Years in weeks to come!
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    God will shine His divine light on you this week, instantly blinding you with His infinite carelessness.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You knew eating those hamburgers would come back to haunt you, but it's still a bit of a surprise when all the floating cows show up.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The bullet will miss your heart by several inches, which only makes sense, as it will be fired at your head.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The natives will treat your sudden appearance with a combination of suspicion and awe, but then, they've never seen anyone purchase 20 cartons of cigarettes at once.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Be sure to watch your temper, as it's about to do some pretty amazing things in the days to come.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    While you'd love nothing more than to tap it, please be mindful, as the nation's Strategic Ass Reserves are at an all-time low.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Money will soon change your life in ways you couldn't possibly imagine—especially the $5,000 or so you'll owe to local loan sharks.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Remember, people like you for who you are: An incredibly insecure person willing to do almost anything for acceptance.
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