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Vol 44 Issue 42

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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    You'll find it difficult to point out your assailant in court next week, but that's mainly because of what he'll have done to your hands.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Have the stars told you how wonderful you've looked lately? And how great it would be if you could check in on their cats this weekend?
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You've always believed women to be your one true weakness, but as it turns out, it's leaving ground forces exposed to a sudden pincer-style attack.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Banking on its growing popularity, Cancer will launch an all-new astrological spin-off starting this fall. Keep an eye out for Cancer: The College Years in weeks to come!
  • Leo

    Leo

    God will shine His divine light on you this week, instantly blinding you with His infinite carelessness.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You knew eating those hamburgers would come back to haunt you, but it's still a bit of a surprise when all the floating cows show up.
  • Libra

    Libra

    The bullet will miss your heart by several inches, which only makes sense, as it will be fired at your head.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    The natives will treat your sudden appearance with a combination of suspicion and awe, but then, they've never seen anyone purchase 20 cartons of cigarettes at once.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Be sure to watch your temper, as it's about to do some pretty amazing things in the days to come.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    While you'd love nothing more than to tap it, please be mindful, as the nation's Strategic Ass Reserves are at an all-time low.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Money will soon change your life in ways you couldn't possibly imagine—especially the $5,000 or so you'll owe to local loan sharks.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Remember, people like you for who you are: An incredibly insecure person willing to do almost anything for acceptance.
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