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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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House and Home

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll find it difficult to point out your assailant in court next week, but that's mainly because of what he'll have done to your hands.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Have the stars told you how wonderful you've looked lately? And how great it would be if you could check in on their cats this weekend?
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've always believed women to be your one true weakness, but as it turns out, it's leaving ground forces exposed to a sudden pincer-style attack.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Banking on its growing popularity, Cancer will launch an all-new astrological spin-off starting this fall. Keep an eye out for Cancer: The College Years in weeks to come!
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    God will shine His divine light on you this week, instantly blinding you with His infinite carelessness.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You knew eating those hamburgers would come back to haunt you, but it's still a bit of a surprise when all the floating cows show up.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The bullet will miss your heart by several inches, which only makes sense, as it will be fired at your head.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The natives will treat your sudden appearance with a combination of suspicion and awe, but then, they've never seen anyone purchase 20 cartons of cigarettes at once.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Be sure to watch your temper, as it's about to do some pretty amazing things in the days to come.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    While you'd love nothing more than to tap it, please be mindful, as the nation's Strategic Ass Reserves are at an all-time low.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Money will soon change your life in ways you couldn't possibly imagine—especially the $5,000 or so you'll owe to local loan sharks.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Remember, people like you for who you are: An incredibly insecure person willing to do almost anything for acceptance.