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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Be sure to take a good look in the mirror this week, as you'll soon have to remember where most of that stuff used to be.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Taurus will release its own line of designer perfume in the days to come. Prepare yourself for Destiné—it's your future in a bottle.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Cigarettes will continue to take a toll on your health this week when you're traded back and forth for packs of them.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The stars apologize for last week's prediction of untold fame and fortune. They keep forgetting that you actually believe in this crap.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll ask the princess to marry you, disrupting the royal procession, ruining countless chicken dinners, and forcing security personnel to escort you out of Medieval Times.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Recent advances in forensic science may sound impressive, but the entire field is still years away from determining what will happen to you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll fall to your knees this week and beg God for forgiveness. Then it's right back to what you were doing on your knees in the first place.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Beneath your tough exterior lies a sweet and sensitive human being. Beneath that, however, it's pretty much all tumors.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Look for a sign this week when deciding whether to stop, yield, feed the animals, or touch high-voltage power-lines.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Get ready to kick up your heels and throw your hands in the air, as that can of mace will have little to no effect.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Humiliation will be yours this week when you're replaced with a healthy variety of meatless alternatives.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars blah blah blah exciting life changes blah blah blah night journey over water blah blah blah it'll be born with three fingers.
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