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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Be sure to take a good look in the mirror this week, as you'll soon have to remember where most of that stuff used to be.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Taurus will release its own line of designer perfume in the days to come. Prepare yourself for Destiné—it's your future in a bottle.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Cigarettes will continue to take a toll on your health this week when you're traded back and forth for packs of them.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The stars apologize for last week's prediction of untold fame and fortune. They keep forgetting that you actually believe in this crap.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll ask the princess to marry you, disrupting the royal procession, ruining countless chicken dinners, and forcing security personnel to escort you out of Medieval Times.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Recent advances in forensic science may sound impressive, but the entire field is still years away from determining what will happen to you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll fall to your knees this week and beg God for forgiveness. Then it's right back to what you were doing on your knees in the first place.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Beneath your tough exterior lies a sweet and sensitive human being. Beneath that, however, it's pretty much all tumors.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Look for a sign this week when deciding whether to stop, yield, feed the animals, or touch high-voltage power-lines.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Get ready to kick up your heels and throw your hands in the air, as that can of mace will have little to no effect.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Humiliation will be yours this week when you're replaced with a healthy variety of meatless alternatives.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars blah blah blah exciting life changes blah blah blah night journey over water blah blah blah it'll be born with three fingers.

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