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The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Dad Locks Into Elaborate Chess Match With Lawn Mower Salesman

TACOMA, WA—Intermittently shifting his gaze between his opponent and the product brochure in his hands as he shrewdly calculated his next move, local father Thomas McCabe became locked into an intricate chess match Thursday with riding lawn mower salesman Keith Porter, family sources reported.

How To Prepare A Will

Writing a will ensures the proper distribution of your assets upon your death. The Onion takes you through the steps of preparing this important document
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Be sure to take a good look in the mirror this week, as you'll soon have to remember where most of that stuff used to be.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Taurus will release its own line of designer perfume in the days to come. Prepare yourself for Destiné—it's your future in a bottle.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Cigarettes will continue to take a toll on your health this week when you're traded back and forth for packs of them.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The stars apologize for last week's prediction of untold fame and fortune. They keep forgetting that you actually believe in this crap.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll ask the princess to marry you, disrupting the royal procession, ruining countless chicken dinners, and forcing security personnel to escort you out of Medieval Times.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Recent advances in forensic science may sound impressive, but the entire field is still years away from determining what will happen to you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll fall to your knees this week and beg God for forgiveness. Then it's right back to what you were doing on your knees in the first place.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Beneath your tough exterior lies a sweet and sensitive human being. Beneath that, however, it's pretty much all tumors.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Look for a sign this week when deciding whether to stop, yield, feed the animals, or touch high-voltage power-lines.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Get ready to kick up your heels and throw your hands in the air, as that can of mace will have little to no effect.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Humiliation will be yours this week when you're replaced with a healthy variety of meatless alternatives.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars blah blah blah exciting life changes blah blah blah night journey over water blah blah blah it'll be born with three fingers.

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