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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Be sure to take a good look in the mirror this week, as you'll soon have to remember where most of that stuff used to be.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Taurus will release its own line of designer perfume in the days to come. Prepare yourself for Destiné—it's your future in a bottle.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Cigarettes will continue to take a toll on your health this week when you're traded back and forth for packs of them.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The stars apologize for last week's prediction of untold fame and fortune. They keep forgetting that you actually believe in this crap.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll ask the princess to marry you, disrupting the royal procession, ruining countless chicken dinners, and forcing security personnel to escort you out of Medieval Times.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Recent advances in forensic science may sound impressive, but the entire field is still years away from determining what will happen to you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll fall to your knees this week and beg God for forgiveness. Then it's right back to what you were doing on your knees in the first place.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Beneath your tough exterior lies a sweet and sensitive human being. Beneath that, however, it's pretty much all tumors.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Look for a sign this week when deciding whether to stop, yield, feed the animals, or touch high-voltage power-lines.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Get ready to kick up your heels and throw your hands in the air, as that can of mace will have little to no effect.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Humiliation will be yours this week when you're replaced with a healthy variety of meatless alternatives.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars blah blah blah exciting life changes blah blah blah night journey over water blah blah blah it'll be born with three fingers.