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Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Like all Aries, you are extremely patient with others. However, if they can't come up with the money soon, kill the twins.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Strange impulses you can neither describe nor explain impel you to take your life savings, drive to Vegas, and put it all on red.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your stress-management technique of taking long, deep breaths will prove disastrous this week when a riptide drags you underwater.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Fears of being exposed as a fraud will be realized this week when you're revealed to lack the fluid color, strong lines, and playful style of Matisse's trademark works.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    God will appear to you in a dream and tell you that loving you is the part of His job He hates the most.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Years of enduring the constant, numbing pain of existence will end this week when you discover "whiskey," a magical drink that makes your problems disappear.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Sometimes in life, you have to put your fear aside and stand up for what you believe in. Thankfully for you, this isn't one of those times.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Light from the constellation Scorpio has traveled for millions of years through the interstellar void to tell you to begin a new diet this week.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You've never much cared for appearances. Still, you're beginning to wonder why everyone else is wearing a HAZMAT suit.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The little voice inside your head will be powerless to stop the barrage of Q-tips this week.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will be plunged into despair following your realization that being an Aquarius is the most noteworthy thing about you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will experience little this week, except for a mild feeling of paranoia and a niggling awareness of your own insignificance. Expect the next 2,115 weeks to be the same.


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