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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Like all Aries, you are extremely patient with others. However, if they can't come up with the money soon, kill the twins.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Strange impulses you can neither describe nor explain impel you to take your life savings, drive to Vegas, and put it all on red.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your stress-management technique of taking long, deep breaths will prove disastrous this week when a riptide drags you underwater.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Fears of being exposed as a fraud will be realized this week when you're revealed to lack the fluid color, strong lines, and playful style of Matisse's trademark works.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    God will appear to you in a dream and tell you that loving you is the part of His job He hates the most.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Years of enduring the constant, numbing pain of existence will end this week when you discover "whiskey," a magical drink that makes your problems disappear.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Sometimes in life, you have to put your fear aside and stand up for what you believe in. Thankfully for you, this isn't one of those times.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Light from the constellation Scorpio has traveled for millions of years through the interstellar void to tell you to begin a new diet this week.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You've never much cared for appearances. Still, you're beginning to wonder why everyone else is wearing a HAZMAT suit.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The little voice inside your head will be powerless to stop the barrage of Q-tips this week.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will be plunged into despair following your realization that being an Aquarius is the most noteworthy thing about you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will experience little this week, except for a mild feeling of paranoia and a niggling awareness of your own insignificance. Expect the next 2,115 weeks to be the same.

More from this section

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

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