Your Horoscope

Top Headlines

Recent News

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Protection

  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

House and Home

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Like all Aries, you are extremely patient with others. However, if they can't come up with the money soon, kill the twins.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Strange impulses you can neither describe nor explain impel you to take your life savings, drive to Vegas, and put it all on red.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your stress-management technique of taking long, deep breaths will prove disastrous this week when a riptide drags you underwater.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Fears of being exposed as a fraud will be realized this week when you're revealed to lack the fluid color, strong lines, and playful style of Matisse's trademark works.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    God will appear to you in a dream and tell you that loving you is the part of His job He hates the most.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Years of enduring the constant, numbing pain of existence will end this week when you discover "whiskey," a magical drink that makes your problems disappear.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Sometimes in life, you have to put your fear aside and stand up for what you believe in. Thankfully for you, this isn't one of those times.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Light from the constellation Scorpio has traveled for millions of years through the interstellar void to tell you to begin a new diet this week.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You've never much cared for appearances. Still, you're beginning to wonder why everyone else is wearing a HAZMAT suit.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The little voice inside your head will be powerless to stop the barrage of Q-tips this week.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will be plunged into despair following your realization that being an Aquarius is the most noteworthy thing about you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will experience little this week, except for a mild feeling of paranoia and a niggling awareness of your own insignificance. Expect the next 2,115 weeks to be the same.