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Vol 44 Issue 44

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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Healthy Living

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    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries

    Like all Aries, you are extremely patient with others. However, if they can't come up with the money soon, kill the twins.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Strange impulses you can neither describe nor explain impel you to take your life savings, drive to Vegas, and put it all on red.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Your stress-management technique of taking long, deep breaths will prove disastrous this week when a riptide drags you underwater.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Fears of being exposed as a fraud will be realized this week when you're revealed to lack the fluid color, strong lines, and playful style of Matisse's trademark works.
  • Leo

    Leo

    God will appear to you in a dream and tell you that loving you is the part of His job He hates the most.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Years of enduring the constant, numbing pain of existence will end this week when you discover "whiskey," a magical drink that makes your problems disappear.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Sometimes in life, you have to put your fear aside and stand up for what you believe in. Thankfully for you, this isn't one of those times.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Light from the constellation Scorpio has traveled for millions of years through the interstellar void to tell you to begin a new diet this week.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You've never much cared for appearances. Still, you're beginning to wonder why everyone else is wearing a HAZMAT suit.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    The little voice inside your head will be powerless to stop the barrage of Q-tips this week.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You will be plunged into despair following your realization that being an Aquarius is the most noteworthy thing about you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You will experience little this week, except for a mild feeling of paranoia and a niggling awareness of your own insignificance. Expect the next 2,115 weeks to be the same.
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