Aries | March 21 to April 19
Like all Aries, you are extremely patient with others. However, if they can't come up with the money soon, kill the twins.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Strange impulses you can neither describe nor explain impel you to take your life savings, drive to Vegas, and put it all on red.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Your stress-management technique of taking long, deep breaths will prove disastrous this week when a riptide drags you underwater.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Fears of being exposed as a fraud will be realized this week when you're revealed to lack the fluid color, strong lines, and playful style of Matisse's trademark works.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
God will appear to you in a dream and tell you that loving you is the part of His job He hates the most.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Years of enduring the constant, numbing pain of existence will end this week when you discover "whiskey," a magical drink that makes your problems disappear.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Sometimes in life, you have to put your fear aside and stand up for what you believe in. Thankfully for you, this isn't one of those times.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Light from the constellation Scorpio has traveled for millions of years through the interstellar void to tell you to begin a new diet this week.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You've never much cared for appearances. Still, you're beginning to wonder why everyone else is wearing a HAZMAT suit.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
The little voice inside your head will be powerless to stop the barrage of Q-tips this week.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You will be plunged into despair following your realization that being an Aquarius is the most noteworthy thing about you.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You will experience little this week, except for a mild feeling of paranoia and a niggling awareness of your own insignificance. Expect the next 2,115 weeks to be the same.
WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION