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NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
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Your Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Like all Aries, you are extremely patient with others. However, if they can't come up with the money soon, kill the twins.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Strange impulses you can neither describe nor explain impel you to take your life savings, drive to Vegas, and put it all on red.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your stress-management technique of taking long, deep breaths will prove disastrous this week when a riptide drags you underwater.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Fears of being exposed as a fraud will be realized this week when you're revealed to lack the fluid color, strong lines, and playful style of Matisse's trademark works.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    God will appear to you in a dream and tell you that loving you is the part of His job He hates the most.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Years of enduring the constant, numbing pain of existence will end this week when you discover "whiskey," a magical drink that makes your problems disappear.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Sometimes in life, you have to put your fear aside and stand up for what you believe in. Thankfully for you, this isn't one of those times.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Light from the constellation Scorpio has traveled for millions of years through the interstellar void to tell you to begin a new diet this week.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You've never much cared for appearances. Still, you're beginning to wonder why everyone else is wearing a HAZMAT suit.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The little voice inside your head will be powerless to stop the barrage of Q-tips this week.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will be plunged into despair following your realization that being an Aquarius is the most noteworthy thing about you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will experience little this week, except for a mild feeling of paranoia and a niggling awareness of your own insignificance. Expect the next 2,115 weeks to be the same.

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